Learnin', Growin' and Losin'

There are only two days left in 2014.

Last year, I said my goals were to lose 80 pounds, get my ACSM or Zumba instructor cert, make 5 new friends and I think something like a handstand? well, I got way more than that this year. I didn't lose 80 pounds, but I did do 3 weightlifting meets and even got a medal at one (I'll probably be talking about that for the rest of my life...so go ahead and get used to it). I didn't get my ACSM or Zumba certifications, but I did make more than 5 new friends. I've gotten more comfortable introducing myself to people that I don't know, and not automatically assuming that people are judging me from the word "hello." I've learned SO much about the sport I never expected to love this much. There's just something about having a barbell in your hands that makes you feel like you can do anything. Pair that with a gym environment that encourages intelligent conversation and hard work with people who are some of the smartest people I've ever talked to...well. It's a really good thing. It's something that I look forward to being able to do. I might not be anywhere near as good as I want to be, but I'll get there. I didn't snatch 40 kilos before the end of the year like I wanted to, but I did clean and jerk 40, and even power cleaned 51! 

I want to lose more weight this year and I'm actively working on it. I've been following weight watchers and I created a rewards system for myself. I made a list of 5 goals for the week and assigned them point values, and if I get 25 points in a week I'm going to reward myself with something like a new Fitbit bracelet or a new pair of workout pants. It may seem silly, because losing weight IS a reward for the work I put in, but when you're facing a monumental task like losing another 125 pounds... well I'll be honest, sometimes you just want to say fuck this shit. I've tried that route for a little while and it's not the best way to go about things, I'll tell you that. Every single time I've said "fuck this, I don't care", a few hours later I did care. I've learned it's better to take things a little bit at a time instead of looking at the big picture. One meal at a time, and some days it's even one bite at a time. My sweet friend Lindsay suggested making a game out of making good choices. Try to make one more good choice than you did the day before. I made 3 today, so tomorrow I'll make 4. If I don't do well? I start over and try again. It's taken me almost 3 years to lose 100 pounds, and I follow a girl on Instagram who lost more than that in half the time. You know what though? no two people are alike or have the same struggles. Patience is the name of the game for me, and if you've known me for any length of time you know that's not my strong suit though. Nick told everyone to start watching a small pot of water boil every day. The only rule is that you can't take your eyes off the pot of water. Your mind can wander, but your eyes can't. Brain training, he calls it. He did warn us and say that people have anxiety attacks because you think the water is never going to boil. He was right about that, the first time I tried it I thought there was something wrong with my stove. In reality, It was less than 4 minutes from start to finish but it felt like forever. Patience can be taught, and I will learn to be more patient this year. Also, maybe one of my goals will be to actually pronounce words like "boil" correctly, because right now I leave out the "i" and it sounds like "ol"...you can take the girl out of Madison County, but you can't take the Madison County out of the girl, I guess. 

Speaking of learning, this was the year of all the new things. I moved out of my mom's house and moved to Asheville with a girl I met on craigslist. I thought things just didn't work out when I had to move back home about 3 months in. I was home for maybe 10 days before my old landlord called and said the apartment was available for rent and this time, I got to move in with my sister. I've learned how to manage money and when trash day is. I've traded in a car and gotten a new one all on my own. I can do my own laundry, cook my own food and with a little help from my friends, I can redecorate my bedroom on a budget. I can do more than I thought possible, that's for sure. 

2014 has been a really good year, and I expect 2015 will be even better. 

them feelings.

When I signed up to lift as part of the Weightlifting Academy team, I knew that I would have to participate in 3 meets every year. The thought of that terrified me. The last time I was part of a team was when I played soccer in 9th grade back in 2003...but because I had literally just had 2 steel rods put in my back, I didn't get a ton of playing time (and also because I had never actually played soccer before...ever). I've never been considered an "athlete", I've never really wanted to be one, in all honesty. I thought that title was reserved for people with rock hard abs and gold medals and I didn't really think about "average" adults being considered athletes. I thought it was weird when USAW classified me as a "senior athlete" when I registered with them. First of all I'm not a senior and second, I'm not an athlete. But actually the definition of athlete is " a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina." While I don't FEEL particularly skilled, I think weightlifting qualifies as strength sport that does require skill. I know that I'm harder on myself that anyone would ever be, but being significantly overweight for the majority of your life takes a psychological toll on you. You start to believe that you really can't do things, and that it's not even worth trying. I'm really glad I decided to not listen to the part of me that said "just go home" the first night I walked in to the gym. I would have missed out on such a good thing. Something that makes me feel athlete(ish) with people who make me laugh and people who make me want to be a better lifter. 

The meet on Saturday was probably the most fun I've had in a while. Well, since the ETSU meet. The team Nick and Tamara have put together is pretty damn phenomenal if I do say so myself. I snatched 33 and clean and jerked 38. I was only 1 kilo off my PR total. It was fun, and I am so happy to get to be around people who are so supportive and good at what they do. I never thought I would be excited to get on a platform and lift, but I am. It's not a source of stress, it's actually fun. I know a lot of people don't want to compete until they think they're good enough. If that was the case, I wouldn't have 3 meets under my non-existent belt. Being a 75+ lifter, I should be putting up more weight. But here's the thing, I also just started weightlifting in May and I'm pretty proud of where I've gotten in 6 months. No snatch to a PR of 35 kilos, no clean and jerk to a PR of 40 kilos and no front squat to a PR of 53 kilos. There was a quote I saw that said "if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting the rest of your life" and I think it's pretty true. You'll probably never feel like the time is right. I tend to think "what's the worst that can happen?" and unless the answer is "I could die", I typically try whatever it is that I'm considering. And since I'm still here writing this blog, I haven't died yet. 

Speaking of dying, you can't spell diet without die. I'm having a really hard time sticking to any kind of diet recently but it's my own fault. I can say no, I just choose not to because I'm an emotional snacker. I've gotta knock that off, because I was doing so well. Tomorrow is Monday (diets can't ever start on any day but Monday, FYI) so it's a clean slate and I intend to do well with it. 

writing.

This blog is a productive of me sitting down and getting what's in my head out on paper/the interwebs. Like most of my blogs, it may be hard to follow. But that's okay because now I feel better not having this rolling around in my head

I really like quotes. My quote board on pinterest is one of the ones with the most pins. I saw this quote yesterday and it said "are you going to look back on life and say 'I'm glad I did' or 'I wish I had'?"

I have a lot of "I wish" statements, like I wish I had appreciated my brother more while he was here, I wish I had spoken up when I was being bullied in middle school and some of high school. I wish I had never gained so much weight. I wish I would have finished college. But you know what? all of those things taught me something. Losing my brother taught me that no matter the enormous ache I feel in my heart every single day, I will survive. Being bullied made me sensitive to other people's emotions. Gaining so much weight taught me that if I work hard enough and be consistent, I really can do whatever I want. Not finishing college has kept me out of student loan debt for a degree that I don't know what in the hell I would do with. I have learned so much in the last five years. Like that I'm impulsive, impatient and sassy as hell. I'm funny, kind and brave.

Even though good can come out of the "I wish" statements, I would rather have more "I'm glad I did" because those are the ones that filled my heart with such absolute joy that I could cry thinking about them. I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about how awesome that medal I got at ETSU is. But I really, really don't think I can put in to words how good that felt. I love weight lifting, I may not be the best at it but it's fun. I don't do it because I think I'm going to be a pro at it. You can do something just for fun, it doesn't have to be anything more than a game (one of many things I've learned that from Tamara and Nick). I want to get better at it, I want to learn to do a full snatch (is that a thing?) instead of power snatching everything, but if that never happens...so what? I've found something that I enjoy doing. I think the world would be a happier place if everyone did what they liked to do for fun instead of with the intent of trying to beat everyone around them and be the best.

The point of this never ending story is that I want to have more "I'm glad I did" statements, and if that means doing things that are out of the ordinary, so be it. Nothing about me is ordinary and for a really long time (and even now) I struggle with the fact that I'm not "normal", I have a hunchback from my scolosis, I still have it and I always will. It won't go away because that's where my ribs are. My back was so twisted and out of place when I had surgery, this was they best they can do. I will likely never be able to back squat because the bar is uneven on my back and it hurts. I talk fast, I talk funny, I'm almost six feet tall and I don't say the "oi" sound in words like boil, coil and toilet. I want to change the world and I want to have a good time doing it.

Right now the challenge given to everyone by The Iron Santa Claus aka Nick, is to be positive. I'm a lot more negative than I think I am, and I'm going to work on that. Lately I've been writing down 1 good thing that happened every day and 1 thing that I could work on. You should too. Be positive and proactive! I heard once that "ordinary people do ordinary things but extraordinary people do extraordinary things." So in the words of our friends the Avett Brothers, "decide what to be, and go be it."