40 pounds.
that's what I've packed on this year. My goal this year was to lose 70. Whoops. I think that's the best word to sum up this situation. I know a couple pounds of that is water weight because I haven't drank more than 16 ounces of water in weeks. I can feel the bloat and grossness everywhere. But 40 pounds is where I am from my lowest recorded weight. Which will forever be kept secret. I don't know why I'm so nuts about how much I weigh. It's not like people don't have eyes and can't guess, but to me it just feels better if I don't actually say it. My lowest weight isn't even all that low, I mean it is compared to where I started but I'm going to stop rambling about how crazy I get over my weight.
I can't pinpoint a day that I said, fuck this I'm going to go eat all the things with no regard to calories. Just like the initial loss happened, gradually, the gain did too. That's what's hard. I noticed my clothes getting tighter and regained a little control and composure. Moved out, changed jobs and started dealing with some super emotional shit and did what I've always done. Instead of doing what I use to do, which was going to the gym and doing whatever I wanted to because it was fun, I started snacking. Now ALL my pants are tight, like muffin top to pound cake style tight. So clearly I need to stop eating muffins and chill. But it's not that easy.
I saw a quote on the instagram one day that said "sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it"...guess I'm one of "those people" who lost a ton of weight and then gained some back. I swore I would never do that. Once I lost it, it's gone forever....but that's not how this works. I fucked up, it's that simple. I have to face la musica and either get back to where I was when I started this blog which is the last thing I want...or get my shit together. Whatever that means. I have no idea where to even start because I have lost all every bit of control I used to have. My sweet friend Lindsay suggested keeping a tally of all the times I've turned down a treat or made a good choice, I think I'm also going to hold myself to doing 10-15 minutes of some kind of activity every single day, be it lifting, zumba videos, walking OR running because I signed up for a 5k on January 1st. I've never done one, and this one starts at 10am so at least it's not the ass crack of dawn. Worst case scenario is that I quit mid-5k and never run again. I don't foresee that happening as I'm really not a quitter, I'm pretty stubborn.
I know it's dumb, but cheap food is tasty. McDonald's is a lot faster at making dinner than I am. It's also less clean up time. I don't know where the girl who lost 110 pounds went. The girl who could turn cookies down, who stopped drinking mountain dew for 6th whole months. SIX. MONTHS. I've considered gastric bypass so many times it's ridiculous but I don't think it's gonna fix anything. You can gain every pound you lose back, it's not a permanent solution for people who are weak willed. When I first started trying to lose weight it was all I focused on. I'm not dumb, I know the tricks of the trade and how to lose weight. You eat less, move more. It's not rocket science, but it does require some work, and I've gotten lazy.
I am paying for weight watchers, every month. I have food here. The entire problem is that I'm lazy. But if I don't stop being lazy and get it the fuck together, I'm going to be right back where I started, desperately wishing to be where I am now. I don't want that, at all. So I think it's time to work on fixing the mess I've made.
and that starts now.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
the waiting game
I read a quote somewhere that said something like "if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting the rest of your life." That's what has actually gotten me to do a lot of things. It's a great thing to have goals and dreams but if you never take any action towards those things...what's the point?
I got a message today saying that I was likely wasting my time with this homelessness project because people are abusing the system and all kinds of jaded junk. The whole world is not bad. People go through bad times and don't know what to do. The system fails people sometimes, I know people who have what could be considered really good jobs, who still actually fall below the poverty line. Shit is expensive, and I didn't know how expensive until I moved out. Rent, phone, lights, water, car payment, insurance and then there are things like dentist appointments, laundry detergent and toilet paper. ALL THE BILLS. Plus buying food, gas and clothes. If something happened to me or my job, I'm lucky enough to know that I can go home. Others aren't so lucky and I think if I'm in a position to help someone then I should. I'm honestly just coordinating efforts and getting stuff together. I don't have a lot to give, I just know a lot of people who are good people. They just don't have the time or heart to go do this themselves, so they don't. That's okay, what I'm doing isn't really for everyone, especially people who argue that handouts don't help people. I watched an episode of What Would You Do? and for those of you not familiar with it, it's a big social experiment. They set up scenarios like a child being abducted to see what people would do. Everyone has a case of "someone else will do it", and half of the time nobody says or does anything. That show makes my blood boil because I couldn't hold my tongue. But, I feel very strongly about some things and I guess other people don't care about their fellow humans or don't have the cognitive ability to imagine if they or a close family member were in that situation.
Also, if I had waited to do a weightlifting meet until I was "ready", I wouldn't have that bangin bronze medal on my wall. You're never going to feel ready, well, I don't think I ever will. I can't speak for the rest of America. You just do it, I mean how many people can say they've competed in a weightlifting meet? If nothing more, it's something to add to my arsenal of cool shit I've done. I've meet some of the absolute funniest, smartest and best people in the world. I've made connections with people I wouldn't have otherwise known, had it not been for lifting. I've learned to appreciate what I can do and work on things that give me trouble. I have a lot of issues with the way I see myself, and I don't see myself as doing anything extraordinary. I wanted to be a weightlifter, I found a gym, I found coaches, I practiced, I did a meet. I feel like that's the normal sequence of events. I have a soft spot in my wee little heart for homeless people. I made a plan. I talked to people. I have a date to go hand things out. Simple. I realized you don't have to have a degree to help people. So I'm coordinating my efforts with a few people and I'm going to give people the things they need. It's simple. Just do what you said you're going to do.
stop waiting, start doing.
I got a message today saying that I was likely wasting my time with this homelessness project because people are abusing the system and all kinds of jaded junk. The whole world is not bad. People go through bad times and don't know what to do. The system fails people sometimes, I know people who have what could be considered really good jobs, who still actually fall below the poverty line. Shit is expensive, and I didn't know how expensive until I moved out. Rent, phone, lights, water, car payment, insurance and then there are things like dentist appointments, laundry detergent and toilet paper. ALL THE BILLS. Plus buying food, gas and clothes. If something happened to me or my job, I'm lucky enough to know that I can go home. Others aren't so lucky and I think if I'm in a position to help someone then I should. I'm honestly just coordinating efforts and getting stuff together. I don't have a lot to give, I just know a lot of people who are good people. They just don't have the time or heart to go do this themselves, so they don't. That's okay, what I'm doing isn't really for everyone, especially people who argue that handouts don't help people. I watched an episode of What Would You Do? and for those of you not familiar with it, it's a big social experiment. They set up scenarios like a child being abducted to see what people would do. Everyone has a case of "someone else will do it", and half of the time nobody says or does anything. That show makes my blood boil because I couldn't hold my tongue. But, I feel very strongly about some things and I guess other people don't care about their fellow humans or don't have the cognitive ability to imagine if they or a close family member were in that situation.
Also, if I had waited to do a weightlifting meet until I was "ready", I wouldn't have that bangin bronze medal on my wall. You're never going to feel ready, well, I don't think I ever will. I can't speak for the rest of America. You just do it, I mean how many people can say they've competed in a weightlifting meet? If nothing more, it's something to add to my arsenal of cool shit I've done. I've meet some of the absolute funniest, smartest and best people in the world. I've made connections with people I wouldn't have otherwise known, had it not been for lifting. I've learned to appreciate what I can do and work on things that give me trouble. I have a lot of issues with the way I see myself, and I don't see myself as doing anything extraordinary. I wanted to be a weightlifter, I found a gym, I found coaches, I practiced, I did a meet. I feel like that's the normal sequence of events. I have a soft spot in my wee little heart for homeless people. I made a plan. I talked to people. I have a date to go hand things out. Simple. I realized you don't have to have a degree to help people. So I'm coordinating my efforts with a few people and I'm going to give people the things they need. It's simple. Just do what you said you're going to do.
stop waiting, start doing.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
weekend thoughts, ramblings and M&Ms
Hello, my name is Vanessa and I have something to share with the group.
*hi, Vanessa!*
I know it may be hard to believe, but I have a life. I have a life that is my own to live, the way I see fit to do so. Guided by the God that I believe in, which may not be the God you believe in. I do not need your commentary on how I choose to do this. I would also like to point out that any of the following are not who I am. I am not the weight I've lost or lift, my tattoos, my foul mouth, my love for the homeless population, my distaste for a certain haunted house of horrors in California... I am not any of those things. They are part of me, but not all of me and I don't know what it's going to take for people to realize that. I do not need any one's commentary on the way I choose to diet. I've been at this for 2 years now, and I am aware of what works and doesn't work for me. So can we stop with the judgemental glances when I order mountain dew to drink? I would also propose that people stop shit talking on their facebook status's about how fat people can't be healthy. I know that I'm at risk for things like diabetes (especially with my dad having it), and heart disease and all the evil the world has to offer. But you know what's extraordinary though? I'm FINE. I don't have diabetes, my blood pressure last time I had my physical was 122/62. also known as just fucking fine. My cholesterol is within normal limits and I don't have sleep apnea. Just because you're BMI is within normal limits, doesn't mean you're superman and can tell everyone else how inferior they are for drinking a soft drink. or a hard one for that matter.
There aren't a lot of people who talk about how hard it is to look in the mirror after you've lost 100 pounds and still see the exact same person pre-weight loss. You want to talk about feeling like you've been punched in the gut? know how hard you've worked, all the times it took every ounce of willpower you had and then some to turn down cake at a birthday party and look in the mirror and see no difference. You know what else sucks? going to walmart and feeling judged because of what you have in your buggy. I don't feel like it's okay for me to buy a bag of m&ms or a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I'm overweight. A couple weeks ago, I was checking out and the bag of M&Ms I had, the barcode wouldn't scan, and the cashier looked at me like "do you really need these?" so I just shrugged it off and said to leave them out, I didn't need them anyway. I didn't NEED the brown ones, I hate brown M&Ms, but the rest of them I really wanted.
In other news, I spent this weekend with a group of absolutely awesome people learning from Chip Conrad (the owner of BodyTribe Fitness in California) and Nick, which listening to some of his stories made me laugh and some of them made me really think about, like you become like the 5 people you spend the most of your time around. Chip was really good at explaining the mind-body connection and explaining how to move better. I realized through various mobility exercises and such that I have a lot to work on. I didn't feel like the odd woman out socially, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my lifting tribe, but I couldn't do some stuff because I'm really overweight. I can't do a burpee or a push up or a cossack squat. But I can work on those things, and I will get better at them. I let the fear of judgement from other people stop me from a lot of things. I have the right to eat m&ms' just as much as anyone who is considered "healthy", this is America. but my social anxiety still gets the best of me, so that will go on my "things to be worked on" list.
I hit my 40 kilo clean and jerk PR tonight, and then a 43 kilo clean, but no jerk. I missed my first 2 attempts at 40, one in front of me and one behind me and that one was sketchy at best. So I think my new clean/jerk PR goal for the year will be 46 kilos aka 101 pounds. I still haven't PR'd on my snatch in a bit, but I think fear has a lot to do with that for some reason. We'll see though, I still have 6 weeks-ish till the end of the year. lots of things can happen between now and then! I do think between now and tomorrow morning, I'm going to get a lot more sore.
2 more weeks till the end of negative kilo november, and so far I think I'm down 6 pounds-ish. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to weight watchers and fast every couple days because once I hit the point of angry hungry aka hangry, things get bad and I probably eat more than I should. So, we'll see what the next few weeks bring! Meet in Asheville on December 13th. Maybe my goal for that meet will be 46 kilo c/j and 37 snatch. Whatever, as long as it's fun, I'm happy.
*hi, Vanessa!*
I know it may be hard to believe, but I have a life. I have a life that is my own to live, the way I see fit to do so. Guided by the God that I believe in, which may not be the God you believe in. I do not need your commentary on how I choose to do this. I would also like to point out that any of the following are not who I am. I am not the weight I've lost or lift, my tattoos, my foul mouth, my love for the homeless population, my distaste for a certain haunted house of horrors in California... I am not any of those things. They are part of me, but not all of me and I don't know what it's going to take for people to realize that. I do not need any one's commentary on the way I choose to diet. I've been at this for 2 years now, and I am aware of what works and doesn't work for me. So can we stop with the judgemental glances when I order mountain dew to drink? I would also propose that people stop shit talking on their facebook status's about how fat people can't be healthy. I know that I'm at risk for things like diabetes (especially with my dad having it), and heart disease and all the evil the world has to offer. But you know what's extraordinary though? I'm FINE. I don't have diabetes, my blood pressure last time I had my physical was 122/62. also known as just fucking fine. My cholesterol is within normal limits and I don't have sleep apnea. Just because you're BMI is within normal limits, doesn't mean you're superman and can tell everyone else how inferior they are for drinking a soft drink. or a hard one for that matter.
There aren't a lot of people who talk about how hard it is to look in the mirror after you've lost 100 pounds and still see the exact same person pre-weight loss. You want to talk about feeling like you've been punched in the gut? know how hard you've worked, all the times it took every ounce of willpower you had and then some to turn down cake at a birthday party and look in the mirror and see no difference. You know what else sucks? going to walmart and feeling judged because of what you have in your buggy. I don't feel like it's okay for me to buy a bag of m&ms or a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I'm overweight. A couple weeks ago, I was checking out and the bag of M&Ms I had, the barcode wouldn't scan, and the cashier looked at me like "do you really need these?" so I just shrugged it off and said to leave them out, I didn't need them anyway. I didn't NEED the brown ones, I hate brown M&Ms, but the rest of them I really wanted.
In other news, I spent this weekend with a group of absolutely awesome people learning from Chip Conrad (the owner of BodyTribe Fitness in California) and Nick, which listening to some of his stories made me laugh and some of them made me really think about, like you become like the 5 people you spend the most of your time around. Chip was really good at explaining the mind-body connection and explaining how to move better. I realized through various mobility exercises and such that I have a lot to work on. I didn't feel like the odd woman out socially, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my lifting tribe, but I couldn't do some stuff because I'm really overweight. I can't do a burpee or a push up or a cossack squat. But I can work on those things, and I will get better at them. I let the fear of judgement from other people stop me from a lot of things. I have the right to eat m&ms' just as much as anyone who is considered "healthy", this is America. but my social anxiety still gets the best of me, so that will go on my "things to be worked on" list.
I hit my 40 kilo clean and jerk PR tonight, and then a 43 kilo clean, but no jerk. I missed my first 2 attempts at 40, one in front of me and one behind me and that one was sketchy at best. So I think my new clean/jerk PR goal for the year will be 46 kilos aka 101 pounds. I still haven't PR'd on my snatch in a bit, but I think fear has a lot to do with that for some reason. We'll see though, I still have 6 weeks-ish till the end of the year. lots of things can happen between now and then! I do think between now and tomorrow morning, I'm going to get a lot more sore.
2 more weeks till the end of negative kilo november, and so far I think I'm down 6 pounds-ish. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to weight watchers and fast every couple days because once I hit the point of angry hungry aka hangry, things get bad and I probably eat more than I should. So, we'll see what the next few weeks bring! Meet in Asheville on December 13th. Maybe my goal for that meet will be 46 kilo c/j and 37 snatch. Whatever, as long as it's fun, I'm happy.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
change, goals and dreams.
you know that thing that you were made for?
the thing that makes you want to stop everything that you're doing right now and spend the rest of your life committed to do this thing?
I've found mine.
I will change the world or die trying. Homelessness will only be taught in history class, it won't be something that is a sad reality for people. Children won't know what it's like to be hungry.
I know that I'm only 25, and just a curly headed, fast talkin, trying to survive being a grown up, grown up. I spend my 40 hours at the business office filing insurance and trying to get my CPC cert. In reality, that's not what I want. What I want is to be outside helping people. I want to be on the street handing out blankets and food and hugs. I want to be giving people hope and connecting them with resources that already exist. I want to be a resource. I want so badly to have a place in the community where people can come and be safe. They won't be worried about where they're going to sleep or if they're going to be able to find food. Moms and Dads wont sit up all night worrying about how they're going to provide for their kids and how to tell them that Santa may not find them this year.
I'm not going to be a resource that exists at Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are too many 2 times a year resources, and frankly, to hell with that. It's wonderful that people want to help but there are 363 other days in a year that people still need things.
I am beyond grateful for the things that I have, and I take them for granted every. single. day. I complained via text message about my coffee at starbucks not having enough room for me to put more almond milk in it. I complained via my iphone 6, from my new car, about the over priced coffee I bought that I was given too much of, so I couldn't put more liquid in the cup. I have a home, a car, a family who loves me (too much, even), a jacket, a phone, I have everything I could ever need and then some. I have more than enough food, I even complain about not having enough room in my cabinets. While people are sitting on the street and literally have no idea where their next meal will come from.
Moving on from the homelessness rambling, there's been a lot of conversations about weight and weight classes and scales and donuts at the gym. It's no secret that I'm trying to lose more weight and now I'm actually taking a step to continue making that happen. It's kind of weird that with women's weightlifting, the weight classes end at 75, and then there's 75+, it doesn't matter if you're 76 or 176 kilos, you're still a 75+, but I still want to get smaller. Which is going to happen, especially since this is Negative Kilo November, ya'll. I will win.
Last January, I said my goals were something like lose 80lbs, become a personal trainer/zumba instructor, and make new friends. which. LOL no to the 80lbs and trainer...but making new friends did happen. So I started thinking about what I really wanted to do. I actually put on a singlet (which really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) and competed. So now what? By the end of December I'd like to snatch and clean and jerk 40 kilos each. Right now 35 is my PR on snatch and 38 on clean and jerk. I can clean 40, but not jerk it. I also want to do a few more meets next year. I'm going to finish and pass my CPC exam by May (or lose like 1900 dollars between the class and exam) and I'm going to get my homelessness project up and started. My dream with that is to eventually take it to Charlotte, Raleigh, to the coast and eventually to other states. I'm having a volunteer meeting/brain storming sesh on November 23 at 3pm at Atlanta Bread on Merrimon. They have really good cookies and wifi, so I feel like it was a good place to set up the initial meeting. All are welcome, even if you just have an idea/suggestion for me. The only rule is that you can't be an asshole. That's all I ask.
anyways, I really have rambled enough and my computer is incessantly playing "party people" by Florida Georgia Line, and while I love them this is not their best song and I can't make it stop. So I'm going to either destroy my laptop or put it somewhere so the battery can die and I can reboot and see if it's still possessed in the morning.
the thing that makes you want to stop everything that you're doing right now and spend the rest of your life committed to do this thing?
I've found mine.
I will change the world or die trying. Homelessness will only be taught in history class, it won't be something that is a sad reality for people. Children won't know what it's like to be hungry.
I know that I'm only 25, and just a curly headed, fast talkin, trying to survive being a grown up, grown up. I spend my 40 hours at the business office filing insurance and trying to get my CPC cert. In reality, that's not what I want. What I want is to be outside helping people. I want to be on the street handing out blankets and food and hugs. I want to be giving people hope and connecting them with resources that already exist. I want to be a resource. I want so badly to have a place in the community where people can come and be safe. They won't be worried about where they're going to sleep or if they're going to be able to find food. Moms and Dads wont sit up all night worrying about how they're going to provide for their kids and how to tell them that Santa may not find them this year.
I'm not going to be a resource that exists at Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are too many 2 times a year resources, and frankly, to hell with that. It's wonderful that people want to help but there are 363 other days in a year that people still need things.
I am beyond grateful for the things that I have, and I take them for granted every. single. day. I complained via text message about my coffee at starbucks not having enough room for me to put more almond milk in it. I complained via my iphone 6, from my new car, about the over priced coffee I bought that I was given too much of, so I couldn't put more liquid in the cup. I have a home, a car, a family who loves me (too much, even), a jacket, a phone, I have everything I could ever need and then some. I have more than enough food, I even complain about not having enough room in my cabinets. While people are sitting on the street and literally have no idea where their next meal will come from.
Moving on from the homelessness rambling, there's been a lot of conversations about weight and weight classes and scales and donuts at the gym. It's no secret that I'm trying to lose more weight and now I'm actually taking a step to continue making that happen. It's kind of weird that with women's weightlifting, the weight classes end at 75, and then there's 75+, it doesn't matter if you're 76 or 176 kilos, you're still a 75+, but I still want to get smaller. Which is going to happen, especially since this is Negative Kilo November, ya'll. I will win.
Last January, I said my goals were something like lose 80lbs, become a personal trainer/zumba instructor, and make new friends. which. LOL no to the 80lbs and trainer...but making new friends did happen. So I started thinking about what I really wanted to do. I actually put on a singlet (which really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) and competed. So now what? By the end of December I'd like to snatch and clean and jerk 40 kilos each. Right now 35 is my PR on snatch and 38 on clean and jerk. I can clean 40, but not jerk it. I also want to do a few more meets next year. I'm going to finish and pass my CPC exam by May (or lose like 1900 dollars between the class and exam) and I'm going to get my homelessness project up and started. My dream with that is to eventually take it to Charlotte, Raleigh, to the coast and eventually to other states. I'm having a volunteer meeting/brain storming sesh on November 23 at 3pm at Atlanta Bread on Merrimon. They have really good cookies and wifi, so I feel like it was a good place to set up the initial meeting. All are welcome, even if you just have an idea/suggestion for me. The only rule is that you can't be an asshole. That's all I ask.
anyways, I really have rambled enough and my computer is incessantly playing "party people" by Florida Georgia Line, and while I love them this is not their best song and I can't make it stop. So I'm going to either destroy my laptop or put it somewhere so the battery can die and I can reboot and see if it's still possessed in the morning.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
30 days.
For the next 30 days I'm going to be kicking ass and taking names. Tamara, Teresa Santa-Maria and I are doing a weight loss challenge. There's no prize, other than smaller pants sizes and bragging rights. My goal is 30 pounds. If that happens or not remains to be seen, but I'm going to give it a whirl. Stop snacking, more water, and fml here comes the cardio. But I can do anything for 30 days, yeah? and before anyone gets crazy, I know that 30 day "crash diets" aren't the best thing. But if for 30 days I can get myself back in the routine of saying no to treats that I KNOW I don't need, actually doing some kind of cardio and putting an end to the snacking.. well. So be it. Plus I'm 18 and I do what I want. #stickthatinyourpipeandsmokeit
So, I know I'm nothing special, but damn I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I won a medal at the meet Saturday. That medal doesn't change anything in my day to day life, but just imagine yourself as a morbidly obese 22 year old who literally can't walk up a flight of stairs without having to sit down and rest afterwords to getting third place at your first weightlifting meet. I can honestly say it was one of the best feelings in the world. Like I've worked my ass off (literally), and it just feels good knowing that I can do things. I did cry in the bathroom at the meet, because I missed my brother. I know he would have been so dang proud of me. He thought I walked on water and would have been the first person to hug me when I got off the platform. I kinda thought after the first year it wouldn't hurt as much, but it still feels like it did the day he died.
There really isn't a ton going on with me lately. I've been reviewing my list of goals and scratching some off. Adding new ones. Right now a 40 kilo clean and jerk is on my radar, as well as turning 33 kilos in to something I can do unlimited reps with. I also want to skydive, bungee jump and run a marathon at some point in my life. I'm still working on learning sign language via youtube videos. So far I have the chorus to "call me maybe" almost down. Clearly I'm using my time wisely.
Well, that's all for now kids. Let's all cross our fingers and hope it never snows again.
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