New Years is upon us. Kind of.

so. it's about that time. I haven't had a truly bad day at the gym in a long, long time. In fact, I rather enjoy myself these days. I guess the universe owed me one.

Before I get to the real point. The rush is promoting shit left and right about new year new you and all that jazz and it pisses me off. Making people think that being a "new you" is as easy and simple as joining a gym is ridiculous. It's hard fucking work and the "old you" is right around the corner with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and mountain Dews at every turn. It takes a hell of a lot more than paying them 30 dollars a month to be a "new you" so stick that in your pipe and smoke it Larry Gurney. 

 

I decided that I was going to try the step class at the rush, after I did my shoulders/quads/conditioning workout and that would be my cardio. Made it through my workout and hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and then went to step. Made it 32 minutes in and then had to leave. I couldn't do it. It was the biggest fucking mess I've ever participated in and I was getting sick to my stomach. I think a)I decided to take on too much and b)I didn't eat enough or I ate too much. STORY OF MY LIFE. Then I sat in my car and had a nice cry after I got protein powder all over my car and myself. I am just so frustrated right now. In the last 4 weeks I've gained roughly 10 pounds and you know what's weird? I don't give a shit. why? because my pants still fit just like they did 4 weeks ago, I don't feel like I've gained any weight and I don't see it in the mirror. The ONLY place I see it is on the scale. Legit, and I'm so over a piece of metal dictating how I feel for the day. enough. It's only taken 18 months for me to figure that out. While I'm bitching, I wish I was a normal human. I wish I had never gained all this weight to lose, and I just wish I could eat oreos and lose weight. It's been an off day, except I've eaten really well today...except temptation to eat the worlds shittiest foods is everywhere.  I've lost 100 pounds, and I am literally changing my life and I'll be the first to tell you, that shit is hard. real hard. Because here I am eating egg whites and turkey sausage and there is pizza and chips to be had at my house.

 

but, in turn, there are pants sizes to be lost and muscles to be flexed. I have worked so hard these last 18 months and if I give up now, I'm just gonna gain the weight back and have to start all over again. So the conclusion that I've come to is this. I forgive myself. I place such high expectations on myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. I hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and my first thought wasn't "hot damn ness, you did good!" it was "took you long enough". While I do have high expectations and lofty goals, I am a human being. I mess up, I skip cardio, I sleep too much, don't drink enough water, and numerous other things but I do a lot of things well. I try new classes when at this time last year, I wouldn't have ever thought about going to step. I make an honest effort to do better when I mess up and I can laugh at myself. One of my resolutions is to chill the fuck out, honestly. I'm the most anxious person in the world and a LOT of that is because I care so much about what other people are thinking about me, and if I could hear what the people I'm so concerned about were thinking, it likely wouldn't even be about me. I have this weird anxiety at the rush about taking up a squat rack to, put on your shocked faces, squat. I feel like because I'm just using the bar and maybe 10s, that I shouldn't even be using it and that doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I pay my membership dues every month, which entitles me to use of it just as much as it does the dude squatting like 49 different plates on each side...oh, and how do you get to use 49 different plates? you start with the bar.

 

anyways, my  news years/long term goals are as follows.

1. chill the fuck out. this is priority number one.

2. lose 80 pounds. somewhat a lofty goal, but I feel like I can do that.

3. get my trainer cert OR my zumba instructor cert. if I use it or not is another thing but I NEED to finish something I start.

4. cut out the mountain dew, permanently. I feel like this is gonna be a lifelong resolution.

5. stretch 4 times a week. because 0 times a week is my current schedule. shame on me.

 

anywho, there you have it. I'm going to do those things this year and I'm going to do them well. I also want to make 5 new friends. I feel like it's weird to say that and put a number on that kind of thing, but I do. Don't ask me what I'm going to do to make that happen because I don't know, but it will happen. even if I have to buy 5 new friends from Russia. mail order brides are a thing, so I bet mail order friends are too. I'll google that and report back later this week.

A good deal and a not so good deal.

Merry Christmas ya'll. Santa/mom was excellent to me this year and brought me a hot pink 6 pack bag and the urban decay naked 3 pallet. And all God's children say amen, I can finally pack my lunch efficiently and wear eye shadow that doesn't crease like a mofo in 3 hours at the same time. #hotmess.

 

I was thinking of starting to write reviews on stuff I use on the daily. I mean, I wish I had someone like me to tell me what they thought of stuff BEFORE they buy it. Because God knows I rarely use things for their intended purpose or hold back on what I think something tastes like. Like today I bought some Dymatize cinnamon bun protein (2 pounds for 23 dollars is a pretty good deal) and it is SO freakin good. I can and likely will drink it for thirst. It mixes a hell of a lot better than the gaspari nutrition PB cookie dough flavor I have. The only thing I hate about buying protein powder is that you're kind of committed to the flavor once you buy it. I'm not great with commitment if we haven't figured that out yet.

 

It wouldn't be a real blog without a rant, yeah? well can I just say that I'm a fan of knowing what you're talking about (for the most part) and understanding that everyone can't follow the same diet plan and get the same results? this girl I follow on instagram who has no nothing (and I know that's a like a double negitive but shut your traps) is charging like 30$ a pop for a 1300 calorie a day "meal plan".....I'm sorry, what? first of all, just no. second of all, how was any of this determined? did you just pick 1300 calories out of a stinkin slot machine? what if someone has diabetes? or kidney problems? I just don't understand why anyone would be like this is a GREAT idea, this girl I don't even know from Adam who has no official/legit education is gonna give me a copy of a 1300 calorie diet she found off the google for 30 dollars and I'm going to look like Miley Cyrus in a month. clearly people love wasting time, money and effort. I'm just not down with that get down. I know a good deal when I see one (see the protein powder in my kitchen) and I know a not so good deal when I see it too. I'm sly like that. 

 

anywho.  

 

when your trainer texts you and says "please bring your inhaler", that's a sure sign that you're likely going to die.

 

as always though, I'm the exception not the rule. I didn't die but I wasn't sure I was going to blow groceries all over the rower. What did we do? to "warm up" we (and by we I mean I) did a butt ton of walking lunges forwards, then backwards, then a bunch of hip thrusts, then repeat that once more. Then...drum roll pleaseee.....fight gone bad. For those of you who may not know, that's a crossfit benchmark WOD. It's a 5 minute AMRAP (as may reps as possible), you have 5 stations. Thrusters, sumo deadlift high pull, box jumps, push press and rowing for calories. The clock starts, and doesn't stop until 5 minutes are up...meaning the transition time also counts. After the first round I was kinda like um wow. I can't decide if this is fun or I'm just retarded. Then after the second round I thought, I'm going to die in this gym and then Kevin is gonna have to call my mom. unlucky for him. Then after the third round, after he called time when I was rowing, I put my head in my hands because I wasn't sure I was going to vomit everything I've ever eaten up. Then after that, we did more lunges. MORE LUNGES. I don't hate them though, it's just A LOT of work. Which obviously is the point but I digress.

 

The next morning I felt like I had been hit by a bus, revived, then said bus has put it in reverse and ran over me again.

 

I've been somewhat okay with food this week surprisingly. I've been playing a game of "make it fit your macros" instead of "If it fits your macros"...MIFYM...it's what you do when you don't get paid for another week and need to eat leftovers but you just bought krissy mae cagney's ebook on meal prep for $16 and got a new six pack bag you can't put chicken mcnugs in it otherwise you'll get crucified by the food police. it's a delicate situation. So I just weighed out some ham, mashed potatoes and 2 deviled eggs and hoped for the best. I mean while it may not be an ideal situation, it's much better than anything I could get elsewhere and it's not the (delicious) chemical shit storm that is McDonalds. Plus if it at the end of the day everything adds up to what it should, I'm okay with that.

 

Today was back/hammies/biceps. Bent over barbell rows are my new favorite thing, those and back squats. I felt like this man next to me was staring, but I couldn't figure out how to get the weights off the bar easily and it was more of a workout than the squats were. Eh. I'll live. One thing about going to a large chain gym is while you see people on the regular, you don't have to communicate with them and there are (usually) just enough people for me to feel anonymous yet not overcrowded. also another delicate situation.

 

I'll tell you what I'm about sick of; this cold as shit weather. I live in a frozen hell. I hate going outside and seeing my breath and getting so cold I feel like I'm going die of hypothermia before I get to my car, I'd much rather sweat my face off in July by the pool. I need to move somewhere the weather is a constant 70-90 degrees, absolutely no natural disasters, up to and including sink holes, tornados, hurricanes, massive wildfires, mudslides or anything of the like, no massive amounts of snow, and minimal rain. If anyone knows where that is, please let me know.

 

I'm writing out 20 goals for next year. I'm not going to call them new years resolutions, because I have January goals and a year is a long time/huge amount of time. I know one of my long term goals is dropping 90 more pounds this year-ish. whaaat? yeah it's called I have work to do and need to stop being lazy sometimes. I would also like to be able to squat more than the bar + 10s on each side and don't ask me how much that is because I don't know. My brain is not functional at the moment, move on.

 

Anyways, shoulders and conditioning and a butt ton of cardio this weekend. I'm so excited. #saidnooneever. get your cardio done during the week when you're supposed to and this wouldn't be a problem #saiddarin. This blog is like the biggest bipolar coaster ever, but it's how things are going for me at the moment. I know it's a mess, but writing is really easy for me and it helps keep me focused sometimes. And all this mess just spews out like hot lava out of a volcano. I'm glad I decided to keep it around, it helps me and you guys get a laugh. win-win.

With that, I'm out. Hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas and kwanza and hannuakah and all the other holidays that may or may not be celebrated during this time of year. I just hope you guys were happy, that's all.

What a week.

Surprise you guys! I blog when I want. And I wanted. 

can we please talk about how Christmas is in less than a week?! I have a lot to talk about this week so get comfortable.

 

Kevin, much like Darin, is under the impression that poptarts aren't the best choice of food. I'm going to start a protest. They have real fruit in them. They can't lie on the box. Don't try to discredit me and my facts I found on the google. if anyone would like to join my protest and by my guess that will be approximately zero of you, let me know. or don't. I can be a single woman protest.

 

I can't decide if I feel like my legs are gonna be super sore or not at all, because there's never a happy medium with me. I have a pretty addictive and impulsive personality I've decided. I'm also really impatient and give in easily to peer pressure. thankfully none of my friends have ever offered me cocaine because given the above mentioned personality traits, well, let's just all thank our lucky stars bizarre is my specialty and only a few select people can stand to be around me for extended periods of time hahaha I am seriously a messtonight. What else is new? After a less than stellar morning, today's workout was much needed. Plank/working with Kevin is a highlight of my week because it's kinda like my "me" time. Weird as that sounds, I don't have to do anything but exercise. No setting anything up, no worrying about how many people are judging, it's simple. And simple is my favorite. I'm beginning to like things I never imagined I would, and I think it's because my legs don't feel so weak. Today was full of front squats, back squats, pistol/one leg squats which are ridiculously hard. Lunges too, and I actually didn't hate them, or the squats...which, WHAT. Read back around this time last year in this hot mess I call a blog and see what my number 1 most hated "I'm gonna kill myself if I have to do another one" exercise was ....squats.  I think push ups have taken the lead on that. On a better note, there were also 44lb kettlebell swings! Kevin gave me an orange one to swing and it was incredibly light and before I thought better of it, I said that. But, easy workouts aren't really workouts. because there is no work involved. Plus 44lbs is a lot for homegirl here.

 

I went to Zumba Tuesday night again and this time brought my precious little Carrie Owensby with me. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole journey and I was excited to knock out an hour of cardio and not feel like such an assclown alone. I finally figured out the warm up song my instructor uses. Timber by pitbull and kesha! And it seems like since I've started zumba again, non-dance cardio seems a lot less fun but the rush teaches the classes at the most sub-optimal times. I get 6pm is good for people who get off work at 5:30 but those of us who get done with work earlier, well, not so much. cry me a river, right?

 

I got some exciting new changes to my workout routine and that's not bullshit. I actually petitioned Darin for a mini-leg day routine because I don't always (and by don't always, I mean rarely ever) do the same thing with Kevin, and I actually like it. Back squats, Romanian deads and leg extensions oh my! that doesn't even work (I was going for the lions/tigers and bears oh my thing) and I don't think I can even do some of that stuff with Kevin but I don't care. I do what I want. One of my goals was a 100lb seated leg extension and I was hanging around 90 for working sets before I started with Kevin, leg day got cut, so I don't know where I am there. Hopefully close. But anyways, back to the real excitement. Now, instead of back and biceps, it's back, biceps and hammies! and by hammies I don't mean I eat ham, I mean hamstrings. and all God's children said amen. Those are my three favorite things. Then I have chest and triceps. My two least favorite. Then shoulders, quads and conditioning. I'm still riding the "no abs" train. Darin says they're in the workouts just not directly and Kevin said he preferred the direct approach. I prefer no approach while I'm throwing information out to the interwebs. I tend to shy away from shit I suck at, and abs and chest exercises would be something a 2 year old could beat me at. I know some people are all like oh, find a weakness and kill it! and I'm all, find a weakness and leave it alone!  

Also this is bothering me. How people choose to eat and be active is THEIR. BUSINESS. Not mine. Don't be the asshole on Instagram eating pie and hashtagging "is this paleo". Here's a hashtag. You're an asshole. How about that? Or if people want to Zumba, body pump, run on the treadmill, crossfit, use the battle ropes for not-their-intended-purpose, I don't give a hot damn. It just drives me crazy when people want to be the exercise or food police of everyone else's life. How about you focus on being the best you that you can be and let everyone else do the same? 

This week was somewhat rough, I'm just really tired haha. And my motivation is kind of lacking. I've been at this 18 months-ish and I've lost 106ish pounds. That's wonderful. But there are people who lose 150lbs in that amount of time. But I'm not them. The internal struggle is real. I'm proud I've lost that much but I also think I shouldn't have been that overweight to have to lose that much. This is my life. But I'm here in this moment in time, and I have things to do. 2014 might be the first year I can wear a bikini. What. That's a strange thought. But we'll seeeeeee. 

 

I'm hoping Santa comes through and brings me a 6 pack bag for Christmas. and by Santa I mean my mom. My wonderful twinsie got me an ipod shuffle for Christmas and couldn't wait to give it to me :) so now, I have no excuse to be distracted during my workout because I can technically lock my phone in a locker and have my music on my ipod......yeahhhh. it's a great idea in theory. I just get anxious being away from my phone, #firstworldproblems. My friends live in my phone. the struggle is real yall. Also, because I get really obsessive over numbers, especially on my heart rate monitor, I went without it tonight. Mostly because I left it at home and didn't have a choice. I have no idea how many calories I burned or how my heart rate was through the workout. I know it was up a couple times because I have this ridiculous habit of holding my breath when I do stuff, especially deadlifts. We did some sumo deads and at the end of the set I thought I was gonna die. I don't know why I do that, it's a terrible habit but breathing and exercising at the same time is hard.

 

Anyways this is my life in a nutshell/essay. I have some Christmas shopping to do and by some, I mean I need to start. Also, if you're looking for more entertainment on a daily basis follow me on instagram if you aren't, or I'll hate you forever. just kidding. kind of. @vkfreeman. 

Oh and merry Christmas y'all! 

 

 

A week of firsts.

So first things first, and most important things first. One of my favorite people on the planet, Jennifer Champion, beasted like legit 40 hours of labor and gave birth to an absolutely perfect baby boy. Logan Nicholas Champion! I even got to hold that beautiful baby Wednesday and it was magical. I just love him already. Congrats Jennifer and Shaun! :)

 

now, for the lesser important things. Like me bitching about how hard my workouts are. I worked with Kevin Thursday afternoon per my usual, and in an hour I burned 691 calories and sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary. whewwwwww. I felt the burn. Everywhere. I felt like we did all the things. No lunges, can I get an amen?! but a butt ton of glute bridges. see what I did there? and barbell hip thrusters can suck it. They're a lot harder than I imagined. I don't know why I thought they would be easy. I don't know why I think a lot of the things I do, but that's the beauty of this blog. You all get to experience the mess that is my mind. Kevin has this way of encouraging you to do more, without being pushy and it's really nice. Like I was down a few minutes(hours) of cardio this week and Kevin told me I was welcome to stay and row if I wanted after, but obviously if I didn't want to that was fine too. I did 1000 meter row in 5:52 and then slowed down and rowed for like 4 more minutes and left plank. 10 minutes I did there is 10 I don't have to worry about later.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnnd I hit a new PR on the stairs on Wednesday! 20 freakin minutes. I almost died.

 

I did Zumba on Tuesday night at the rush, and it might be my new thing on Tuesdays. I really, really, really hate any kind of chest workout, and Tuesday was chest/triceps, and I cranked out the first like 10 bench presses and wanted to die. I decided to get water and come back, and then happened to see Zumba started in about 3 minutes. Sooo. I took some liberties and decided to do Zumba instead and then rearrange my lifting schedule. but I'm also giving myself a learning curve, because I feel like every week something changes with work, my life and then Darin changes things periodically, usually at my request, sometimes not. I'll get everything done...hopefully. I also like to think that I'm somewhat stepping out of my comfort zone. Yes, I've done zumba before...actually around this time last year, and I love it, but I hadn't done it at the rush and walking in to a huge ass group class and joining took my anxiety from like a 2 to 19. BUT, I didn't die, or make a huge ass out of myself (I hope), it was fun and an hour of it burned 680 calories and it was an hour of cardio. I really, really liked the instructor. She was this 5'4 woman who wasn't in perfect shape but she was having a BLAST teaching and she really made it fun. We zumba'd to come and get it by selena gomez, booty werk by tpain and roar by katy perry...and some pitbull song I hate. All that interspersed with some traditional Latin music. I wasn't a fan of that but my heart rate stayed in the mid 160's, and it wasn't slogging it out on an elliptical so I call it a win.

 

I also went to bodypump this morning with Brooke. I've been seeing les mills stuff on my IG and decided to try a class. First of all can we talk about the ridiculousness that was getting up at 7am on Saturday? whew. that was a workout in and of itself. Then we get in the class, and the instructor asks if anyone is new. So we raise our hands, and he immediately tells us to drop the weights on our bars. I use the term bar loosely, as it weighed maybe 5lbs, and Brooke and I had 10s on each side. So we had 25 pounds to work with. We both were like um no and since I'm ridiculously stubborn, I refused to take any of the weight off during anything. I did ALL THE THINGS with at least 25lbs. and now my poor muscles are paying the price because I am already feeling it. It was a fun class, and I like that you do every muscle group in an appropriate order. Except the tricep song, whewww. it was the light 'em up song by fall out boy and light 'em we did. Can I just say fuck a push up in general, but tricep push ups are ridiculous. I did the modified ones and I'm pretty sure my arms are gonna fall off. This week has been all about group fitness classes for me.

All the above on a sketchy right hammie kind of sucked. Especially because we did like no lie 3 minutes of nothing but lunges. Kevin suggested I stretch and foam roll but I'd rather chew on razor blades and swish with running alcohol. I can't be the only person who feels that way but I may get desperate. Especially tomorrow. #help. 

 

I'm considering a small return to crossfit. and by small I mean doing the on-ramp at Pisgah again and then 2 days a week for cardio. maybe. I don't know. I just want something more competitive and something I can get better at. Haters gonna hate, but it really is fun. I don't know though, especially how it would fit in with everything else I have going on. I just like to do all the things, really.

 

Enjoy this cold shitty weather my friends, I'm about to roll up like a burrito and take a little ride to sleepy town before I die of sleep depravation.

 

Story time y'all.

I've been writing this for a while. It's unusual for me to be weirded out by posting blogs. but this one is kinda super personal. I say like this whole blog isn't. It's my story, from beginning to now. I like to write, so I decided it was worth having written down and maybe worth sharing. So no bitching and snark this week, just a story. It's also what one of my english professors calls a "doggy draft" aka a ROUGH, rough draft.  

 

My name is Vanessa, but I rarely answer to that. My friends call me Nessie or Ness, and my family calls me whatever they feel like that day. I started my journey at a whopping 373 pounds. I was on the downhill slide to weighing 400 pounds by the time I was 22. A lot of people will tell you about their "revelation" that something had to change. It was one moment in time where they knew things had to be different. If you continue to read, you'll realize that I am a very different person. I'm not "normal", and I'm learning to be okay with that. So instead of one moment, I had many"aha" moments, but I didn't recognize them at the time. The time I realized that I was 1 size away from being too big for Lane Bryant clothes. The time I broke not only one, but two lawn chairs because I exceeded the weight limit....in public. The time I realized that the seatbelt in my car was entirely too tight, that soon I would need to buy an extender just so I could fit in the car comfortably and safely. Realizing that walking through a couple isles in Walmart winded me. I couldn't walk from the parking lot through the store to get groceries without literally having to find a bench and sit down. Realizing that I was drinking a 2 liter of mountain dew in a twelve hour shift and then another 16 ounce bottle with my dinner, which of course was fast food. All the nights I sat at home crying, wondering what I was going to do, and why no one had ever mentioned my weight to me. All the pictures I saw and didn't even recognize myself, I didn't have a face or a neck. All the clothes I couldn't wear in my room because I had gotten too heavy. When I realized I stopped caring about myself, I realized things had to change. I had just gotten home from a graduation party for three beautiful girls I had went to church with for 7+ years, and I happened to see a picture that I had taken. I cried for almost 4 hours that night alone in my room. Wondering what it was going to take to "fix" this. I had tried countless, and I mean countless diets. The girl in that picture wasn't who I was. I was a wonderful 22 year old woman, who had her whole life ahead of her. I didn't want to be the woman people stared at because she was so big, and I didn't want to have to use a wheelchair to get around because my legs couldn't carry me anymore. I don't remember when I actually developed "a weight problem" because I'd been overweight all my life. I honestly can't tell you the last time I had weighed under 300 pounds, and I don't remember realizing that I was getting so much bigger than the rest of my family. The day that changed my life was any other normal day. I was driving to work, and saw the "O3 Health and Fitness" signed for the 582nd time, and decided to google it when I got to work because maybe it was a new gym that I could try. I had clicked on the "meet the trainers" button or whatever it was called and found a pretty friendly looking face, I mean he didn't look like the devil reincarnated but I couldn't be sure. His name was Darin, and he had his own web site. I clicked it, and read his biography and thought about it for a few days as I drowned my contemplation in chicken nuggets and mountain dew. I decided on a Friday to go ahead and fill out the "consultation request" around 2-3 o'clock ish, figuring it would be a few days before I heard back. It was only a few minutes, and in the "times you can come in" spot, I had written my schedule was flexible, and he had said "lets put your flexibility to the test, can you come in today?" and at that point I wondered what I was doing. I scheduled a consult for Monday at 4:00 I believe, and wow. I worried all weekend, thinking that "Darin" if that was even his real name, was going to likely tell me to go ahead and get a gastric bypass consult set up because he couldn't help shamou. really. OR, on the other extreme, he was going to tell me I needed to workout with him 9 hours a day, 8 days a week and all I would do is run on a treadmill until I threw up. So I think you can imagine how nervous I was before I even left work that day to go talk to the man. I threw up in the parking lot at work before I even left, because I was that nervous. I think it's time I throw a little bit of information in, I have social anxiety, and my anxiety was at it's all time peak when I was at my all time heaviest. I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was so big, that I had to be overly nice to people to make up for being overweight and them having to talk to me. It's a very, very distorted way to view the world and it's a really sad way to view the world. Instead, during what I remember of the consultation, I remember thinking "wow, he's really nice". The rest they say, is history.

 I worked with Darin at least 2 times a week in person (for a few months I paired up with a friend and did 2 days a week with her and 2 solo workouts with Darin) until he moved away to Knoxville, TN. Then I moved to work with him online. I would love to tell you that my weight loss has been a steady downhill journey. It gets easier with time, and it gets more natural. That would be lying. Weight loss is an insane thing, and you're asking your body to change, quickly. Darin asked for a food log and when I try to diet on my own (not knowing ANYTHING except "the less food, the better") I think I was rolling on four to five hundred calories a day. Let me hit you with that again. 500 calories, a day. I ate like a bird, and lost a little weight, but then Darin started pushing me to eat more. I was a little resistant at first because the thought of eating "that much" made me think that I wouldn't lose weight as quick as I wanted to. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in 4 months. I mean they do it on the biggest loser. Why couldn't I? I had also turned off my "I'm hungry" part of my brain because I guess your brain gets to a point where it stops asking for food once it knows it isn't going to get any. On top of anxiety, I am really, really picky about food. I don't let my food touch, I don't eat vegetables of any kind (I recently started eating a little tiny bit of broccoli this year), I don't eat hot food at night, and I've self-diagnosed myself with selective eating disorder. I am the poster child for that disorder. When I say I don't eat vegetables, I mean I don't eat them. Carrots, peas, beans of ANY kind, sweet potatoes, corn, tomatoes, onions, asparagus, spinach...you name it, I don't eat it. And when I say I dont eat it, I mean, I do not eat it. at all. ever. So working with that has been an issue for all parties involved. Over the course of the last year and a half, I've tried a little of everything. Crossfit, zumba, classes at the Y and running. Nothing makes me happier than lifting weights. I never, ever thought those words would come out of my mouth but the power of exercise is insane. It really is the most underutilized antidepressant. I've had my best workouts on my worst days because all I can focus on is breathing. The weight of the world isn't on my shoulders for the hour that I'm in the gym. I don't have to think, I don't have to be anything, I don't have to pretend. I just have to use my muscles. Some days it's easier said than done, and some days I would rather get kicked in the throat than go to the gym, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't lose 106 pounds in a month. It takes patience and consistency. Those are two things that whoever you work with can preach, but you have to experience the struggle first hand. When you've eaten nothing but "good" food for 4 days and climb on the scale to see the number be higher than it was 4 days ago. You really, really have to trust what you're doing is going to work (still an issue for me) and find another way to validate what you're doing is working, other than the scale. Still an issue for me. I'm an instant gratification girl. When I order things off amazon, I always pay extra for overnight shipping. I don't like waiting, and losing weight is a waiting game at best. The first 30 pounds came off pretty quickly, but after that...well, I think you know where I'm going with this. 1-2 pounds a week, 2 pounds is a GREAT week. I still have quite some time to go with this weight loss journey.  My long term goal (and I mean long term) is some kind of bodybuilding competition. Will it happen? Eventually. I have my doubts but I'm much too smart to stand in my own way. I have my doubts that what's underneath is gonna be great, but you can always change the exterior. It may take longer than you'd like and be less than pleasant at times. It requires a lot of hard work, but if I can do this I know anyone else can, you just have to be ready to change. The quote that gave me the title to this blog (and hangs on the wall in my room) says "I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." I did, and it was the best choice I've ever made.

All stars, poker faces and remembering.

the ice we skate is getting pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. my world's on fire, how about yours? that's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

 

HUGE bonus points if you remember that song. I just re-discovered it on pandora and well, it's been on repeat for a while. because that's what I do. Obsessively listen to a song on repeat until I ruin it for 10 years. Hear it again. lather. rinse. repeat.

 

I know I said I would blog Thursday, but guess what. I do what I want.

 

This week has been pretty okay surprisingly. I've learned a lot. like Kevin doesn't need direction from Darin to be crazy on his own. Though, I'm not super sore today and by that I mean not much at all. Like my ass was a tiny bit sore for maybe 2 hours this morning until I got moving. Kevin put me through the wringer yesterday and I've hadTWO asthma attacks in two days. I dont know what is happening. I don't know why NOW my asthma is making itself known. I did cardio at the rush on Monday, and I had just finished rowing and was considering going to stretch and my lungs were like, no air for you! suckaaa. Then, Kevin had me doing 21-15-9 wall balls, side throws and this weird thing on the step and within the first 10 wall balls I had to stop. I could feel it coming and Idk why but I'm always scared of my inhaler. It's like a jack in the box to me and I always jump when I push it. Kevin asked if I wanted to find something other than wall balls since they seem to be a exacerbating factor. um no, I'm pretty headstrong sometimes. I WILL do what I want and I eventually want to go back to crossfit so I might as well try and nip that in the bud now. Don't tell me no unless you want me to do that, but I'm also not stupid and reverse psychology doesn't work on me......or does it. I don't know. I also need to work on my "this is tough" face. Another thing I can't do well is two things at once. I can't squeeze my muscles, do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, and focus on breathing at the same time. one of the three things won't be done and usually it's breathing. I have a bad habit of holding my breath while I exercise and then when I focus on breathing I can't keep tension in my muscles or if I'm doing that I absolutely can't control my body enough to do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. I also noticed I do a little like, shuffle every time I change legs for walking lunges. I'm weird. tell me something I don't know.

 

and get this. Everyone thinks I got new glasses. I haven't worn them since like march or April and I guess miss piggy's face thinned out because they look bigger on my face and everyone is like oh my gosh I love your new glasses. Take a closer look. They're scratched all to hell. and before anyone gets defensive I have called myself and my loved ones miss piggy for years. It's a term of endearment to me. and by that I mean I laugh every time I say it. but I have like 100 dollars left on my eye allowance for the year on my insurance and I'm out of contacts and have been for about a month but I'm just too lazy to go get new ones. It's funny how some areas of my life, I'm diligent and I get shit done and don't slack (80% of the time) and then sometimes I'm like oh who needs vision? these 2 year old glasses will be just fine. Who needs to go to the dentist? I just cracked a molar like 2 months ago. It's fine. But when I eat a piece of a quesadilla from the cafeteria with mystery macros I'm like OH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. I'm a mess. but I can laugh about it. I'm learning to be okay with not being perfect. It might come back to bite me in the ass and it might make things take a big longer than I would like but I would rather take an extra year building my body than to be miserable as fuck for 9 months.

 

also can we just talk about why all my IG friends are freaking out about Thanksgiving? everyone is posting like "ways to stay on plan"...I don't remember being worried about Thanksgiving last year (I know I did go to the gym but that's because I was bored and wanted to, not because I wanted to undo what I did at dinner) but...do you stay on plan during your cheat meal? last time I checked there wasn't any kind of bodybuilding/power lifting/crossfit event the day after. I get thanksgiving isn't an all out binge fest where you eat until you throw up and then eat more, but it's one damn day a year. Everyone is all about "one good meal wont make you healthy, it's consistency" and well, one bad meal wont make you fat either. If you truly want to stay on your plan, congrats. you're a real man. I however, am going to eat macaroni and cheese, ham, deviled eggs, baked beans, stuffing, coleslaw, some cheesecake and mountain dew and move on with my life and maybe do a little extra cardio on Friday. By extra I mean regularly scheduled/what I've missed this week, so the word extra really shouldn't be there. I'm wayyyyyy behind on that this week. what else is new? I just hate slogging it out on a piece of equipment for X amount of minutes. But I also hate metabolic conditioning, so I don't really have a ton of options and of the two...well, depends on the day and what's involved. I don't know how I get this deep in a topic before I realize this is ridiculous.

Anyways, the only thing I'm anxious about is that this is the first thanksgiving without my brosef. Am I still talking about him? yeah, I am. I miss him terribly and the holidays and his birthday (January 6th) are gonna be rough. It's hard to process the regrets I have. Like the fact that no matter where he was, I was always, always, always welcome. No matter what. But I didn't extend the same invitation to him. Though, he was living life as an addict and I was living WITH an addict and there is a difference. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt if he were here he would say "it's okay Ness, I know you loved me." The unconditional loyalty, friendship and love that he showed me in 23 years is something that I will never forget, and something I can only hope to extend to my friends and family. He might have been "just an addict" to some people but to me he was my big brother. I knew whatever I told him, he would (and did) take to the grave. A snitch he was not, and I find myself quoting him often, and missing him just as often. Little stuff has been happening around the house. I was home alone one day, and I heard something hit the floor in the kitchen and there was a box of cake mix in the middle of the floor. I would say it was nothing except the cake mix was under 2 bags of pinto beans and it was in the middle of the floor. not next to the counter it fell off of, in smack dab, face up, in the middle of the kitchen. I just picked it up and laughed, and said hey buddy, no I will not eat cake. I'm on a diet, if you'll remember correctly and I swear I could feel him laugh. Weird, but that's what happened.

 

Enough of the sappy. Tomorrow will be a day of sleeping in, family and mountain dew. Enjoy your friends and family tomorrow, faithful readers and eat some vegetables for me because God knows I'm not eating them.

Worldly workouts.

Hot damn. I seriously better wake up with Dana Lin Bailey's lower body. 

Russian kettlebell swings, (half) Turkish get ups, Romanian dead lifts, I know what you're thinking. Did you take a trip to Europe? (I have no friggen idea if those countries are in Europe) nope! I just worked out with Kevin at Plank. LEG DAY IS THE WORST DAY. Second only to chest day. I know I'm the weird one out on that, but seriously my bewbs are still store. and by bewbs I mean my chest musckles. I'm really dumb tonight, so if you're here for the endless amount of information I cough up on a weekly basis well I suggest you take it somewhere else.

 

Seriously I lost count at how many squats and lunges I did tonight. I know Kevin probably got tired of counting but it's like I lose my memory and can't count my own reps.  I think it's mostly because when you ask me to do two things at one time, hell if you ask me to do anything, if I'm not used to do it then it takes me a hot second to figure out what to do and then I probably have the ugliest/weirdest look ever on my face. Like I can't decide if I should just play dead or not. We also did and by we, I obviously mean me, did these plate pushes across the ground and the ground isn't level at plank and let me tell you about one of the dumbest exercises known to man. Turkish get ups. WHY THE HELL. What. It doesn't make any damn sense. why would you get up like that? that's so inefficient. why do you need to get up holding weight? I can't think of anything on planet earth that you can't just sit down on the ground, get yourself up and pick up and do whatever it is you're gonna do with it. Really. I'm bitching like I had to do 100 of them with 400lb kettlebells haha. I only did 1/2 get ups with no weight, and it was a descending pattern. I think the circuit was 1 arm KB swings, goblet (which apparently are referred to as "gobble" squats this week....clever. I did laugh though) squats, and then 3 of the turkey get ups on each side, repeat the swings and squats, 2, and then 1....I figure it was like that because it only took  me forever and 300 days to do them. I have jello legs already. I'm planning on sleeping with a heating pad on them tonight in hopes that I won't be in a ton of pain tomorrow but well, here's to hoping.

 

I got an inhaler. insert sad face here. Last week actually did scare me because I felt like I was breathing through a straw and couldn't catch up. So thankfully I haven't had to use it yet, though I think I'm supposed to before I exercise...which, let's be clear. Um no. this will be used for rescue purposes only.

 

It's been a week, and I am so excited to be done with work and only have a wee little bit of cardio left and by wee little bit I mean like 30 minutes of sprints and my weekend workout is shoulders + metcon. yeahhhhhhhhhhh. I'm making a face that you can't see right now. I do this every week, and you would think I would get better at this. However, what I'm trying to focus on right now is that this is not a friggen race. I'm not trying to beat anyone. I saw a thing on instagram that someone posted that said "it's hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time" and she was talking about how if you're mean to yourself all the time, you're gonna have a hard time being happy, which is a fair point. You know what I would cut a bitch for right now? some doughnuts. Though, I would never actually cut anyone. I would just go to krispy kreme and buy some if I hadn't already did kind of bad on my meal plan today and it wasn't another trip to Asheville. logistics. ha. Whatever though, this week was better than last and that's always a plus. Moving forward a little a time will still make progress happen even if it is slower than I would like. impatient and impulsive are the top 2 character traits that describe me best. though, they're not always bad things. Impatient can also turn in to a "I'll do whatever it takes to make this happen, NOW" because I want something, and impulsive choices have gotten me 2 trainers and 4 tattoos, also a few piercing and pairs of shoes. that somewhat rhymed. dang I did good. maybe it didn't. I'm delirious from all the lactic acid in my legs.

 

anywho. that's it for this installment of wow someone needs to revoke this girl's blogging privileges. with that, I'm out. Oh and since next week is binge eating to celebrate the death of a ton of native Americans (I really dont know what the hell I'm talking about) aka thanksgiving, I will likely blog, well, on Thursday. It will be your thanksgiving present from me to you, my faithful readers. NOW I'm done.

<3

 

Remixes and rewrites.

I made up a new version of "girl on fire" by Alicia Keyes. It's called MY LEGS ARE GONNA FALL OFF. Catchy, no? 

I'm about to write this next paragraph with all the love a girl can have for the trainer who helped her lose 100 pounds ... but I'm gonna start referring to Darin Starr as Judas. I hired Kevin to help me with conditioning/cardio annnnnd leg day. Well, that all sounds great in theory, I was all aboard the no slacking off boat...until it comes time to actually not slack off and do what I need to. I got my weekly plan update from Benedict Arnold himself, and what was missing? A leg workout. Then he says in the summary, "what could be going on there" WE BOTH KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. We. both. know. Which btw is a great song by Gavin Degraw and Colbie Calliet if anyone needs to update their playlist. Holy. Hell. Judas told Kevin to quote "trash my legs" and trash we did. So I haven't decided who I blame more, though I am down 1.5 pounds so obviously something is working. Though. My legs are toast. Goblet squats, walking lunges, step ups, offset Romanians, which Kevin called "thirsty birds" or something that I literally was like WTF. I don't understand. Then when he showed me I understood. We also did push ups (fuck my liiiife), kettlebell swings, rowing machine, TRX rows and wallballs. During which I had a straight up asthma attack and felt like I was breathing through a straw. After I literally told Kevin last week "it's very well controlled." I mean, it was until today. I just really hate inhalers.  Post workout my head was tingling and I felt SO SHAKY. Like straight up jello legs so I laid down in the back of my car for a few minutes. Thankfully I had a pillow. Idk why, I'm not in 7th grade going to sleepovers. And bless his heart, Kevin tried to talk to me but I can't even remember my own name when I'm working out like that, so much less what book I'm reading. He also noted that I was kinda guarding my answers when he asked questions and that even when my heart rate hit 181, I didn't look like it. My poker face made a reappearance. I just make faces when I'm sure no one is looking. 

This week was really, really bad. Which is weird because the last three were super fucking great. One bad choice leads to another and one gallon missed leads to another and whew. when my work schedule is inconsistant, I get inconsistant. #excuses. I know. I just listened to this really great seminar about living intentionally. Like, legit, you don't pick up the 15s instead of the 10s for a week and wake up looking like Dana Lin Bailey. That shit takes years (so I've heard). You intentionally try to get better, eat better, run better, sleep better, BE better. So I'm chalking this one up as a loss and moving on. 

You know what's weird though? Other than me? I notice myself more. Like sitting in front of a mirror doesn't automatically mean I avert my eyes to anywhere but my reflection. I actually sat and stared at myself for a while today. I just can't believe how different I look. Some days I'm like HOT DAMN You look good and other days I feel like a whale. But I'm noticing those days are less and less which is nice. It's weird though but people act like they are impressed with me. Even a couple times kevin was like "wow", especially after I showed him my update with Darin. It just surprises me how people react sometimes. I'm not anything special, I'm just Vanessa. Honestly. I'm a foul mouthed 24 year old who decided enough was enough, ya know? I got a chance to start over (see what I did there?) and decided to rewrite my story. 

This week was kinda strange too because I had legit like 6 people message me on Facebook asking how I lost weight. I don't understand the shock and awe when I say "I eat better than I used to and exercise." It's like everyone wants the secret. But there isn't one. You just have to do what works for you. Zumba, crossfit, weights, personal training, running, biking, etc. Pick whatever and do what you can and then progressively get better. I started out at a 3 minute PR on the stairmill. Now my current PR is 17 minutes. Is it 45? No. Will it ever be? If I decide I want it to be, yes. Some people say its princess status to have 2 trainers. Well guess what. I am the long lost princess of the curly hair kingdom and I do what I want and it helps me, and it makes me happy. And being happy is the secret to making it work. If I was miserable every time I worked out or did cardio, I would quit in a heart beat. But sans leg massacres like today which honestly was SO freakin hard but I wasn't ready to cry, and the occasional bad day, this shit makes me so happy. I love what I'm doing. So there. 

Anyways. I'm afraid to go to sleep because tomorrow is gonna be insanely hard as far as minor tasks, such as walking, go. I guess that just means my legs are growing. Ugh. Killer legs come from killer leg workouts. So. With that, I'm off to finish the last 3 episodes of white collar that I missed. 

Change is in the air.

here we are again, time for another thrilling edition of this girl shouldn't be allowed in public.

All. Stinkin. Week. I have been disoriented. Like I've lived the entire week thinking it's been a different day than what it was and I don't know why. I am so confused. Also I made a bunch of food on Sunday and haven't eaten one. Single. Thing. That was any sort of fast food or nutritionally baron.  I feel way, way better. But what I would do for some poptarts and ice cream. 

I am not going to bitch about only having lost 106 pounds, for real. I'm not. I need the scale to move on a regular basis and it's not happening and I'm pissed, and that's all I'm going to say about that, other than Darin is right and I need another way to validate what I'm doing is working other than the scale. 

I hired a second trainer. what. what. what. princess Polly pocket here has 2 trainers? yes. yes I do. While this week is even better than last week in terms of nutrition, my leg workout + cardio suuuuuucks. I'm just in a weird funk about that kind of stuff, I like morning cardio (who the fuck knew?!) but post workout cardio, you can forget about it. So, I thought if maybe for a month or so, I had a once-a-week in person someone to kick my ass and not allow me to slack, maybe that would help. Enter stage right; Kevin Martin. Darin knew him from way back when, and I met him on Wednesday for a consult at Plank Fitness. ALL DAY I was completely fine, I wasn't nervous, I almost forgot about it. Thank God for iPhone reminders. Then when I drove in the parking lot I was like what in the holy hell am I doing?! but uh, too little too late. Kevin was a extraordinarily nice guy and seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying and also not like he was judging me from the word go. and the space is perfect. It reminds me of a crossfit box! which I will resume one day, but we went in his office and talked about goals and what I needed and what he thought he could help with, then I had to show him how I squat and lunge (bad, that's how) and then we agreed on 4:15 today. and as I write this (I write these in parts sometimes) I am scared. to. death. this is like session 1 with Darin, alllllll over again. Hopefully I won't vomit in the adjacent parking lot this time. true life I have crazy social anxiety. I could have done without those last two words. Ha. Jesus Henry. Anyways, I PR' d on the stair mill at 17 minutes, already 5 above my November goal. I have a legit love/hate with that machine. I like it for a little bit and I like how many calories it burns but DAMN it's hard. I'm trying to use at least 30 minutes of my 160 steady state a week on the stairs.

 

So in the process of writing this, I actually went to my workout with Kevin, and this is what went down.

TRX and deadlifts and planks (FML) oh myyyy. I had quite the post workout endorphin rush on the way home. I was lovin life. And I have since then crashed. 

 

First of all, jackass here FORGOT TO EAT. That has literally never happened to me. I specifically had greek yogurt and granola in my fridge at work. I ate half a banana and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter at 1pm, and I met Kevin at 4:15. I still cannot believe I forgot to eat and I sure as shit felt it too. Anyways, the gym itself is really cool. I like my machines at the rush but I also really liked the simplistic feel of plank. We started out with some overhead squats and leg swinging and foam rolling. Kevin was really patient and smart, and I like that he explained what the purpose of things were. I haven't had someone tell me what to do in the gym since May so it was weird to just do what I was told haha but he isn't like a bossy Barry. Though during the foam rolling I kept threats of suicide to myself. I hate nothing more than foam rolling. nothing on planet earth other than corn dogs. Thankfully that was fairly short lived. Then I got to use the TRX for the first time in my life and it's not my favorite thing on planet earth. We did bodyweight rows, back extensions then glute bridges on the stability ball. The TRX was weird to me. I just have this overwhelming "am I doing this right" feeling. Then deadlifts and lat pulls. LOVE me a deadlift. I legit hadn't done them in like 4 months. then we did some kettlebell swings and 30 second planks. I haven't done a plank since I don't know when and a 30 second high plank had me shaking like a newborn deer trying to walk. Jesus. It doesn't sound like a lot but it was, believe me haha. 590 calories in 55 minutes isn't too shabby in my opinion. I'm super happy with this choice and I don't think I could have found anyone better than Kevin to help me. Darin was right, once again.

 

I'm fairly sure I'm gonna be pretty sore tomorrow. I'm SO freakin tired and I'm tracking my food on fitness pal and I still have like 300 calories left for today. fabulous. I need more protein but I want popsicles. hmm. choices to be made. 

In unrelated news, I went to my brosef's grave for the first time since the funeral. I just sat down next to it and talked to him like I would if he were here. I know he heard me and I know I probably looked crazy as hell but it made me feel better for a second. I hadn't cried for like 5 days but oh well. Is it weird I think about stuff like I should bring a him a blanket because it's winter and it's cold? It's weird. But I did. I know some people don't agree or think it's real but I swear when I go to his room and sit down, in a couple minutes it's like I can feel something in the room change. Like he's there. And I just sit there in the calmness for a second and wish he were still here. But he is, in a way. 

Enough with the sappy and sad. 

 

anyways, here's to hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow. I'm off work tomorrow and Saturday (work Sunday, ugh) so I can finally go to the rush during the day when it's not busy as hell. with that, I'm off to find play a fun game of "if it fits your macros", ha. Just kidding I'm going to eat some greek yogurt and maybe try to study some of my ACSM stuff since I'm still in the nutrition chapter. where I started 2 weeks ago. yeahhhhhhh. I have to go do something productive. Like rid my DVR of "the voice" battle rounds :P and by "rid" I mean watch.

 

A few tricks up my sleeve.

let me first just say that I love when I'm shaving my legs and slice them up 450 ways from Sunday and I bleed like I'm a hemophiliac for 42 hours. I've cut my legs shaving in the past 2 days more than I have in 10 years. Legit.

 

Anyways, that's not the point. the point is I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack.

 

I have a little housekeeping type announcement. It's come to my attention that my mom has friends who read my blog. Hello mom's friends. Here are the rules for reading my blog. It's mine (not hers), I say what I want and what I'm thinking 99.8% of the time with no filter, and no regard for any kind of profanity, vulgarity, religious considerations, spelling, grammar, political correctness, correctness in general, none of the above. My mama didn't teach me to talk like this, but alas I turned out this fucking awesome anyways. So if you have a problem with any of the above, as I'm sure you've figured out if you've followed for any length of time, leave now and never come back, and you don't have to let me know that's what you've done.

 

still here? sweet.

 

This last week-10 days however long it's been since I've written has been pretty freakin awesome. The biggest thing I've learned the last week or two is that attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference. Being happy that I'm alive, healthy and have the means and motivation to do what I'm doing is something some people don't have. So instead of bitching because it's cold and I would have liked to sleep more, how about we say thanks for all we have and get our asses out of bed? I've been getting up and going to the rush to do fasted cardio in the mornings, and then I go back and do my lifting after work. It sounds like a giant pain in the ass and logistically speaking it kind of is. Packing 2 gym outfits and shower stuff and food for the day and ugh. It's a rough life. buuuut it's actually kept me more on track than anything. I absolutely feel 100% better throughout the day when I actually do get up and get moving that early. I also get a lot of entertainment. Like the group bromance that seems to work out together every. single. morning. and it's so entertaining to watch because they do the craziest shit I've ever seen. Like there's a rig at the rush where normal people generally do pull ups and they have a TRX and such, but that's not what these boys use it for. Oh no, that would be Toooooo simple. There are about 4 different heights, and these boys swing on them like monkey bars and jump from bar to bar. The highest one, I would say MY feet would be about 4 feet off the ground. These boys are a tad shorter so I'm guessing like 5. I can't WAIT for the day one of them falls. That's bad of me. But really. Let's not pretend we're monkeys in our cut up tee shirts at 530 in the morning. 

 

As far as my food consumption goes, I've been on point with my food...I would say 85% of the time and let me tell you. Sugar free popsicles are my new everything. Seriously they taste like the full sugar versions and they're 15 calories each. You can eat 5 of them 75 calories. What else can you eat 5 of for 75 calories? not much. I've also graduated to eating plain greek yogurt which, let's be clear I never thought that day would come. Mix in 1 packet of stevia and a drop or two of almond extract and it's pretty okay. I'm not going to say delicious but it will suffice and I didn't gag. So I call it a win. I also got a turkey burger at lunch today because I've regressed to the struggle bus today (long story) and forgot everything I ever owned at home today or in my car, and then I get online to look at the nutrition facts and um, every single day has a turkey burger listed as different calories and carbs. one day had it listed at 98 carbs. I'm sorry what is this made of? pure white sugar and the tears of Jesus? for as much as I paid for it, the answer should be yes, but my guess is no. I lost my marbles so to speak. I say that like I had them to lose, ha! we all know I'm a loose cannon. Whatever that means. Anyways, I never thought I'd see the day where I was so upset about not knowing the nutritional content of my food. I just am in a good place right now and want to do the best I can and then I get thrown off, try to make good choices and it's never simple. BUT. The beauty in the disaster is that tomorrow is another day to get it right. I didn't gain or lose any significant amount of weight overnight, so I had to have a serious talk with myself called calm the fuck down. I know I have a long way to go and I'm not going to get there overnight. Yes, I want to compete but I have a long way to go before that's even a remote possibility and but it motivates me on days that I don't feel like doing anything because you don't get on stage being a lazy sloth. maybe that's weird. but I'm weird. so that's okay. 

 

Also. for the last few weeks I've been feeling like writing, a lot. Not this trash per se, but just my story. I may post it, I may not. I haven't decided, I try not to be super annoying with the blog (good try, right? ha!) but Idk. I started writing it because I just needed to get it out on paper. How things happened, why they happened, what you don't see via my blog. It's actually being edited/proof read by one of my old english professors. I like to keep journals and stuff from the past and this is a HUGE part of my life right now. So I figured why not. I don't know if anyone is even remotely interested in reading it but when has that stopped me before? hell I created a blog not knowing if anyone would be interested and look what happened. 16 months later. started from the bottom now we here. Drake lyrics ftw. 

 

So. the rest of the week includes a back, leg, chest/shoulders and biceps/triceps workout and 160 minutes of steady state and 60 minutes of interval cardio and lots of food. If anyone is interested in joining me for any of the above mentioned festivities, well you just let me know. I'm going to go pack my bags and eat a popsicle or 5. That's all for this edition of I can't wait for her to shut up. oh and the question from the last week, the whole "check back to see if I can tell you what a carb is"...well, homegirl here has been on the road to Nashville and back and has yet to crack a book. I know carbs are sugar and your body processes them as such, and complex carbs digest slower than simple carbs. So. The answer is kind of. There just aren't enough hours in the day! just kidding. I just suck at studying. Maybe next week I'll have a better answer. but don't count on it. I make no promises here.

Perspective, Pocahontas and Puzzles

Alliteration, ftw. 

What a week it has been. 

 

I am trying so, so, so hard to get it together and keep a positive attitude. I mean, I even posted a facebook status about it. It's serious. Ha. Serious is not my specialty sometimes. But when I said "things aren't always as bad as they seem, they're as bad as we let them be" I meant it. I made that up all on my own, for realz. I mean it's true. I can sit here and tell you guys that I've had a crappy, crappy week. I miss my brother, my dad is sick, I'm working extra hours, I'm tired, I'm behind on studying, I cracked my molar on a nature valley granola bar...ugh. But, all of the above for the most part can be easily remedied. Speaking of that nature valley fiasco. Let's talk about an ingredient not listed on the side of the package. CONCRETE. damn it. I don't think it's an unreasonable request to eat a granola bar and keep all my teeth, though apparently that's going to be a concern of mine for the rest of the foreseeable future. Also, I swallowed the peice of tooth that broke off and I am also concerned about that. There's still some slight inflammation. I'm trying to hold off on a dental visit because lets be clear, I would rather do push ups than go to the dentist. I neeeed my wisdom teeth out but then I wouldn't be as smart. I can't afford that kind of loss. Also. I have a small cavity I've been putting off getting filled. Oops. So far I've been a wonderful adult. Just kidding I think I'm still 14 in my mind. 

 

so. studying for the ACSM CPT cert is a bitch, to be blunt. I had NO FREAKIN IDEA the subject of physics was in any way involved. I mean it makes sense, somewhat, but I skipped physics in leau of chemistry in high school and sweet baby jesus. I suck at math and it takes me a bit for some things to kinda click with me. So. maybe I'll test in February or March, depending on if I ever get my shit together and start studying on a regular basis. I'm about 1/4 of the way in to the anatomy portion, I'm good with the bones but not muscles. or connective tissues. or joints. or anything really. I actually decided to switch that and start with nutrition so I could a)maybe get a handle on mine  and b)not feel completely overwhelmed. I have a bad habit of quitting when I'm intimidated or not good at something quickly. Like crossfit. Oh and college. I'm a mess. 

 

lack of consistency. I think that should be my indian name, but we all know if I was ever an indian my name would be girl who eats too much or girl who talks too much, and I think pale Pocohontis has a nice ring to it as well. I want to be able to run as long as she does barefoot through all those rocks and up that huge hill and still sing that "paint with all the colors of the wind song" as if I'm just standing there doing nothing. But I also don't want a boyfriend named John Smith. I mean if he stole your identity, good luck getting it back. Also if I remember correctly he almost gets beheaded by her dad and I have yet to meet someone I'm willing to get my head knocked off with by a rusty rock with for. I mean what did she think that was gonna do? like her dad was gonna kill her. She knew what she was doing all the time. manipulative. HA. This is how my mind works. If I don't start doing cardio on somewhat of a regular basis I'm gonna need someone to behead me with a rusty rock. well. maybe not that drastic. but maybe an "out of line" pinch. you know where I'm going with this. I'm supposed to do like 150 minutes of steady state and 50 of intervals maybe. I'm squinting when I type that because my memory is sketchy lately. I think I've maybe done 20 minutes this week. yeahhhhh. I'm making an ugly face while I type that too (is that even possible you ask? every day of my life. I'm sorry I'm on a roll) but really. I HAVE however, gotten alllllllllll the lifting done with no problemo. I've been sore as shit. I just like lifting weights more than cardio and I have yet to find a form of cardio I like. I liked running for a while but thats out, I don't get my heart rate up enough on a bike, I hate walking on a treadmill, that's boring, the stairmill can go straight to hell where it can from, ellipiticals are okayyyyy, I'm too scared to try a class at the rush alone and swimming is a pain in the ass and I hate the outdoors. this is what Darin has to work with. a mess. I hope if/when/in a galaxy far far away I ever become a trainer I get a client like me. I don't know what I would tell me honestly. Probably sorry about your luck, chuck. if you don't stop eating poptarts I'm going to hit you with a haymaker and break your jaw so you have to go on a liquid diet. then I would have no clients. Goodness. this is my life, folks. If I didn't laugh I would cry. and I prefer laughing. life is better when you're laughing. that's for damn sure.

 

I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, and every time I get close to putting all the pieces together, there's an earthquake that registers like a 8.4 on the richter scale and everything goes to hell in a handbasket. but there's no reason to not try to put it together again because I don't know when the next earthquake is gonna happen. damn I'm getting good at metaphors. Really though, that's exactly how I feel. so. plans for today include being lazy, watching criminal minds and studying, a bicep/trciep workout, some cardio for the love of all that is good and holy, farmburger for dinner downtown then a haunted asheville trolly tour. I can't wait. 

That's all for this edition of my God this is still being written, check back next week to see if I can tell you what a carb is. Spoiler alert. Maybe. 

could this get anymore exciting?

well this has just been an exciting week, you guys.

I usually say ya'll. sometimes I like to change things up for funsies.

first blog post as a 24 year old! annnnnnnd...

after a couple of months of deliberation and hem hawwing around, I decided I'm getting my personal trainer certification from the ACSM. let me hit you with that again. homegirl here is gonna (maybe eventually kind of be) a personal trainer. what. what. what. is happening. I don't really know either. My reasoning is simple. I just want to help people. that's all I've ever wanted to do in life. I want to make people's lives better than they were, no matter how I do it, and that's all I want. I've changed a LOT in the last year and not just physically. I know it may sound silly, but this is what happened. I started looking through old pictures that, let's all take a minute and thank God, never made it to facebook. You can absolutely see how unhappy and miserable I am. It's all over my huge face and those pictures. While I'm not where I want to be, I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was and I WILL get there. I want to help other people get where they want to be and have fun doing it. This also will likely sound stupid but Madison County isn't really fitness friendly, there are very few resources for gyms/classes and of which, I don't know how many are very affordable. I'm honestly not looking to make my millions being a trainer obviously, I just want to use what I've learned to make someone else's life better. My eventual goal would be to function as a full time trainer (IF I like doing that, I'm keeping my day job for the next little bit) and have a boot camp/something of that sort/ class in madison county/marshall area that functions as a resource for people who don't have the means/time/gym access/etc to at least get moving a couple times a week. It's honestly astounding how much better I feel when I actually do workout and eat like I should. I'm less tired, and in turn I'm way less irritable and I can focus a little more. I'm more aware of what I'm putting in to my stomach and I just am a happier person because I just feel better. It wasn't that way to start with, but over time you grow and evolve. This may be the worst idea ever, but I'm cool with taking that chance.

and hopefully it will give me a little extra motivation to get things kickin' on a consistant basis on my own journey again. I'm gonna try to knock this whole ACSM thing out in about 2 months, but I'm also going to have to get it together and figure out how to juggle everything. work, my own workouts, studying, family, friends and life in general. I don't want to spend 300$ and fail this test. so I have to be serious. I'm also really worried about the amount of math invovled because we all know sometimes it's all I can do to count my own reps. In the next few weeks, if anyone wants their body fat measured (which will likely be no one) call me :) ha. I wouldn't call me. So. in addition to bitching about how hard losing weight is and how much I hate squats, now I'll be complaining about studying and how much I dont know.

and let's be clear. thursday morning I met Alyssa at the gym for leg day. Darin said in our update "first legit leg day in 2 weeks, DONT BE A HERO" ..... I was far from a hero but I'm not very far from a cripple. I'm not too far from just laying in my bed for a few weeks. haha.

Anyways, if anyone wants to be a lab rat in the next few weeks and let me practice whatever I happen to be learning on them, let me know. I'll repay you in friendship and grattitude as I am a poor white girl. If you're lucky and/or I hurt you, maybe I'll buy you a drink at starbucks. depending on the severity of said imminent injury. ha. confidence is obviously my speciality. really though. my books should be here today, so you'll likely find this white girl in her natural habitat. starbucks or atlanta bread. free wi-fi and good things are found at both locations.

well that's all for this suprise edition of "well I guess this blog wont be over anytime soon". check in next week to see if I'm back at my starting weight. spoiler alert; maybe.

haha seriously though. before anyone emails me and tells me to be nicer to myself, I know I'm great. and obviously you think so too, because you're still reading :)

I win.

100.

ya'll. this is biiiiiiiiiig. I have officially lost 100 pounds. in 15 months. I remember reading a blog on runsforcookies.com about how she lost 100 pounds and 100 things that were different for her when that happened. I promised myself that "if I ever lose 100 pounds, I'll write one too"...and well that time has come. Some of them will probably be repeats from my "55" post, but they likely are worth repeating. I started this blog over a year ago to help me process some of what I was going through and the changes I was making. Who knew it would be such a hit? ha. I think a few of you (Darin) have probably wanted to hit me, but that's not the point. So. without further ado, here are 100 things I've learned, that I've changed, wish I'd known, challenges I've overcome and just things I want to put in a list. I'm going backwards, because #1 will be the most important but the rest are just in order as they come to me.

100. I never understood when people talked about fast food making them feel bad. Now I do. When your body gets used to getting at least decent food for a week, then you throw some chicken mcnugs down the hatch, you'll notice a difference.

99. push ups are the worst exercise on the face of the planet, and no one should ever have to do another one if they don't want to.

98. water is the best thing to drink, and mountain dew is a close second.

97. some days you just don't feel like doing anything, and those are the days you do it anyways. But there are days that you just can't, and it's not the end of the world.

96. new music to listen to while you do your cardio makes the time pass a lot quicker.

95. sometimes I still don't know what some exercises are for. Like I didn't know the incline press was a chest exercise for about 8 months. some still baffle me.

94. gyms are the germiest places in the world. wash your hands when you leave. legit.

93. foam rollers are Satan's handiwork, straight up. If you've never tried one, go workout and make sure you're really sore the next day and then lay down on a pair of scissors and roll back and forth. it's the same thing.

92. working out isn't a punishment for what you've eaten and it shouldn't be treated as such. "i had a brownie today so i have to run 5 miles" isn't a healthy attitude. You can't negate everything you eat and it's okay to have a treat. one bad meal doesn't make you fat like one good meal doesn't make you skinny.

91.there's a difference between going to the gym and actually making good use of your time there, and I don't think I need to explain the difference.

90. get rid of your 'fat' clothes...I think it's a way of letting yourself off the hook. like "i might need them again"...well if you do what you're supposed to do, you won't ever need them again. I kept 1 pair of my largest size pants, mostly to remind myself where I never want to be again.

89. having a workout partner is the best especially if you start at the same place and have the same goals.

88. cereal is not a meal.

87. deciding at 6am (when you're a grumpy gus anyways) if you'll go to the gym or not that evening, isn't the best plan of attack.

86. it's okay to be happy where you are.

85. comparing yourself to someone who doesn't even look like you is stupid. I can't compare myself to girls who are 5'3" and want to weigh as little as them.

84. people want a quick and easy fix, and there isn't one. good luck trying to find it.

83. you have to decide that it's worth the sacrifices you'll make.

82. saying "i don't eat xyz" instead of "i can't eat xyz" actually works for me. People will always ask why you can't eat it, and then you end up explaining you're trying to lose weight.

81. no one at the gym gives a rats ass what you're doing. no one is staring. no one thinks you look stupid. no one is thinking about you.

80. eventually you WILL feel different. you won't be as tired and you'll just feel better overall. and that feeling is priceless.

79. you are respoinsble for your journey. if you barely scrape by and hit your goal(s) or if you smash them and make new ones, is up to you.

78. you have to step outside your comfort zone. that's where all the magic happens. and if you're anything like me, you'll throw up before your first workout with your new trainer and you'll be scared to death the entire time and likely look like a deer in the headlights. but it's okay, because it gets easier.

77. haters gonna hate, but I think everyone should try crossfit at least twice.

76. don't reward yourself for going to the gym/losing weight with food. It's really easy to do, but really stupid.

75. plain oatmeal is disgusting.

74. everyone has an opinion on how to lose weight. It's simple really. eat good food and get off your ass. and by good food I mean nutritious food. not chicken mcnugs and milkshakes.

73. flexing, no matter how small the muscles you have, never gets old. ever. I understand why people do it now. Because you work SO hard to build them, and it's part of the reward you get for busting your ass in the gym. I flex my biceps at least 10 times a day.

72. what worked for your coworkers uncle Pete may not work as well for you. You have to find what works for you, but you have to be smart about it too. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it sounds unhealthy, it probably is.

71. sometimes you have to take time off. when your brosef dies unexpectedly and you get bursitis in your hip, you physically can't go to the gym. and you won't gain every single pound you ever lost back in the span of 2 weeks or go from using 20s for bicep curls to the 2 1/2 pounders.

70. things that seem so hard now will seem incredibly easy in 6 months.

69. trying new things is scary but if I had never tried Zumba, I would never now how much fun it can be. plus it's cardio!

68. always have a plan. don't walk in to a gym without knowing at least what muscle group you want to hit, and don't walk in to a cafeteria or restaurant without knowing at least what you're going to try and eat.

67. embarassingly enough my max speed on a treadmill use to be less than 3mph. not anymore though!

66. The Rush is the most ADD inducing gym I've ever been in, but it's one of my favorite gyms I've ever been in.

65. only put in half the work if you want half the results. seriously. there were a couple weeks I saw Darin 4 times a week (2 with Jennifer, 2 alone) PLUS boot camp, PLUS some cardio on Sunday and in a span of 3 weeks lost maybe 4 pounds because I was eating like garbage.

64.If you're reading this and just starting out, take some damn pictures. I know you don't want to, and I know it sucks to see yourself like you are at the moment. But if you put in the work and do what you're supposed to, this will be the last time you see yourself like this.

63. people on instagram are morons. #teamnodaysoff should be #teamimanidiot. you have to rest.

62. sometimes an iced coffee from dunkin' donuts is worth 200 calories.

61. If you can't put not text/facebook/instagram and focus on what you're doing at the gym, get a cheap ipod and lock your phone in your car. instagram can wait an hour until you're done.

60. protein shakes don't taste all that bad once you get used to them.

59. protein shakes smell TERRIBLE if you leave them in your gym bag for more than a few hours. seriously. don't try this at home. or you'll throw up. I've thrown away shaker cups instead of washing them because there is no stank like old protein shake stank.

58. sometimes I lip synch on the treadmill and look like a moron. but I'm having fun, which is less than I could say for the girl next to me who usually looks like she's ready to cry.

57. being sore is the pits.

56. Zumba is really, really fun. classes called "boot camp" with instructors named "Janice", are not.

55. never say never. I remember vividly explaining to Darin he wouldn't catch my dead, lifeless, dehydrated body at boot camp. Where did I spend most Saturday's from about September-December? boot camp. I still believe that if it would have been at 10:30, there would have been a lot more people attend.

54. pop tarts have real fruit in them. but unfortunately that still doesn't mean they're a nutrtionally sound choice.

53. It's okay to be proud of what you've accomplished. really.

52. RERACK YOUR DAMN WEIGHTS.

51. hiring a personal trainer was hands down one of the very best decisions I've made in my 23 years of life.

50. cutting the sleeves off old shirts is one of my favorite ways to make new gym attire.

49. I asked for cellucor c4 in pineapple flavor and a tub of peanut butter cookie protein for my birthday.

48. I don't see it as (that much of) a chore/inconvience to go the gym at 5am anymore.

47. I used to be afraid to sit down in lawn chairs for fear I would break them because I exceeded the weight limit. it happened twice and I will never forget it. not anymore though, and never again.

46. never in my entire life did I ever think I could run an entire mile without stopping...but there have been days I've ran a 5k on a treadmill after my workout. to say I've changed would be the understatement of the decade.

45. I have a face now, and it looks a lot different than it used to and that amazes me.

44. sometimes you have to interrupt your shoulder and bicep workout to play basketball for the first time in 10 years.

43. write out new goals every month. I remember my consult with Darin, and he asked me what my goals were and I remember shrugging my shoulders (little did he know that would be my answer for EVERYTHING he asked the next 10 months). I didn't want to do much, just lose weight. now I have 100 different things I want to do. but short term goals at least give me motivation to get to the gym.

42. buying new clothes and feeling okay good in them, is a great feeling. especially when jeans are 10 sizes smaller and shirts are 4 sizes smaller.

41. I like ellipiticals now. and the stairmaster is my new nemesis. we can all agree that perpetually walking up the stairs is what hell is like.

40. I'm going to invent an apparatus that will help you wash your hair post shoulder/arm workouts. it's a necessity.

39. it makes me really uncomfortable when people call me an inspiration. I think that's weird.

38. everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. I didn't get an extra hour a day to lose weight. I just had to rearrange my schedule and decide which was more important, laying on the couch and watching tv after work or going to the gym.

37. you don't have to eat everything on your plate.

36. there's a major difference in mental limiations and physical limitations. My physical limitations include the ridiculous amount of metal in my body (just call me iron woman). anything else is an excuse...in my humble opinion.

35. It makes me really happy when, on the rare occasion, someone at the gym asks me to show them how to do something.

34. there are days an 8pm bedtime is necessary.

33. my feet lost almost 3 shoe sizes. who knew that could even happen?

32. post workout poptarts are the bomb.

31. you have to be honest with yourself about everything. it doesn't hurt anyone else when you skip a set or cheat the last few reps. YOU are the one who suffers.

30. gastric bypass may work for some people, but working in healthcare I've seen too many cases where it doesn't. my theory is that you don't learn anything or anything sustainable. Yeah, eating good food and exercising take a bit longer to see results, but you LEARN to make better choices that you can live with forever.

29. kid's yogurt cups have ENTIRELY too much sugar.

28. I get colder more often now.

27. having your personal trainer certification doesn't make you a god among men, or give you the right to tell me what I'm doing is wrong especially when I see you chain smoking winstons outside the gym drinking your protein shake. #healthylyfe

26. I believe I've lost approximatley 1 million hairbows during this process.

25. people will doubt you. I, no doubt, tried at least 10 times to lose weight on my own. When I hired Darin, I got a few skeptics and unwanted opinions about "wasting my money" and rude comments of that caliber. 50 pounds later, they shut up. 100 pounds later, that's my middle finger to all those people.

24. impossible is not a synonym for difficult.

23. work your way up to being able to hold a 1 minute plank, don't do one (or any kind of ab exercise for that matter) for 5 months and then try the same 1 minute plank. it's no bueno. I work on my spanish while I plank sometimes. I need new ways to say bad things.

22. sometimes you just have to suck it up and eat your broccoli. or feed it to your dog.

21. I never thought tracking my food on myfitnesspal would be as important as it was. I actually really like seeing how close I can get to my target macros, and I like the charts you can make. ha. I'm special sometimes.

20. I never thought I would use words like 'macros' and feel like it's normal and everyone should know what they are/track them too.

19. I'm too stubborn for my own good.

18. there are no good choices to be made in a drive through. except krispy kreme. just kidding. that's the best worst.

17. there are still days my eyes are bigger than my stomach, and I get about halfway through what I have on my plate and think...when did I start training to become a sumo wrestler?

16. yelling "fuck" when you drop a plate weight on your finger will get you some stares in the gym.

15. I love to get on youtube and watch instructional exercise videos. people are SO stupid and Scott Herman is my favorite to make fun of. typically because he never has on a shirt and his accent is ridiculous. I laugh every time.

14. it's always more fun to workout with a group of friends. there were a few Saturday's of boot camp that rank in my top 10 most fun days ever list.

13. if I can do this, anyone can.

12. sometimes I park myself on an elliptical and watch all the massive fails happening at the rush, and it makes my cardio time go a lot faster.

11. the more sugar you eat, the more sugar you want.

10. the scale can make you crazy if you let it. it's a number, and even though I'm still terrible at taking my own advice, it shouldn't determine how you feel the rest of the day...or anything else for that matter. What you eat, if/how hard/you workout...anything. it's a number. the end. how you feel is way more important.

9. I don't see 100 pounds worth of difference in the picture I can't upload to this stupid blog. But I also look at myself with a different pair of eyes, and I see myself every. single. day. and I still have a "is this real life?" feeling about it.

8. not everyone will accept your changes. People are pushers. Cookie pushers, pizza pushers, fried chicken pushers. I think it's because they feel not-as-bad about eating their junk food when you do too.The words are "no thank you", and you have to mean them. Once you start consistently saying no, people finally get the picture.

7. no one can do this for you.

6. I always heard people talking about what a stress reliever/fun time/etc working out was for them, and now I feel the same way. you just have to find something you enjoy.

5. going to the gym/eating healthy isn't my entire life though that's what it feels like sometimes, it's part of my life. a big part at the moment but still.

4. bosu balls are still retarded. no matter what you're doing, you look like a retard and it's hard to stand on them no matter which way they're turned.

3. one. day. at. a. time.

2. this blog (and my faithful readers) have helped me more than I could ever put in to words. I mean, 100 pounds and 15 months later, I'm still writing and you're still reading.

1. You can do absolutely anything you want to, as long as you're willing to work for it.

there you have it. 100 pounds and 100 things. I know the above is probably filled with a ton of errors and bad grammar and stupid stuff ya'll didn't want to know. oh well, this is my blog and I do what I want. I'm still still limited to upperbody and some light cardio for a few more days per my orthopedist, but I'm cool with that. The rest has been nice, actually. After my birthday I plan to get fully back on track and make shit happen. I have more weight to lose and things to accomplish. So, until next week mi amigos. told you I've been working on my espanol.