Beep. Beep.

ya'll. this week has been ridiculous. in a good way. and this is probably the longest blog post ever written. so prepare yo'selves cause I have a lot to say.

 

It's been, by far, the best week I've had as far as food and workouts go (minus leg day) in months. MONTHS I tell you. I don't really know what happened other than I really started thinking about how to make some shit happen. Like. I lost a ton of weight in January, like 15 pounds that month because I was working with Darin, going to crossfit and zumba on the regular and watching everything I ate on myfitnesspal. I also started thinking, hey nessie. You said you wanted to eventually compete in a bikini competition and I STILL laughed when I typed that, so what are you doing to make it happen? Darin can write you 7 katrillion workouts and tell you what to eat, but if you don't do it...it's not gonna happen. ever. like ever. So I decided to try and be a little more serious, and so far so good. decisions made? make an actual, honest effort to drink my gallon of water a day, especially on the weekends. I don't know why I think weekends are free for alls sometimes. Like I don't have to anything because it's Saturday. Also like last week, make sure to keep accurate records of the weight I used for lifting. and I may take some legit progress pictures but they will be for mi pequino ojos (my little eyes for the non spanish speakers among us) only. I just don't really know how/where to start. I've lost 98.5 pounds but I'm still no where close to where I want to be. I mean let's be clear, I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was this time last year. but this time next year I want to be at my goal. And I'm the only person who can make that happen. I saw a quote on someone's pinterest that said "some of your activities should be viewed as an investment and not a sacrifice"...which made me think that I really do need to get it together with how I view my workouts and eating. It's not a punishment. I don't have to eat sweet potatoes because I said a bad word. Which let's be clear, I don't think there are enough sweet potatoes in all of the South to make that happen. Agricultural deficiencies in the South isn't the point being made here. The point is (there is one?) that other than that leg workout, I look forward to working out now because I feel like I have a new purpose and a time frame and I need to figure out a way to keep that motivation. because it's like the wind. it comes and goes. Which I think is normal (it may not be, but I'm far from normal), but finding balance is hard right now for me.

 

I keep looking at basically the only picture I have of me at my heaviest weight and it makes me so. freakin. sad. Like. I remember crying most nights because I didn't know what I was going to do. and I'm crying while I type this hahahaa. I'm completely crazy and I know that, but really. I know I write a lot of riff raff and bitch about a lot of stuff but I am SO close to having lost 100 pounds which is insane. I flip back and forth between these extremes of being proud of having lost that much and then thinking I shouldn't be proud because I let myself get THAT much overweight. I'm not really sure how to feel honestly.

 

let's talk about Thursday. ALL ABOARD THE STRUGGLE BUS. Seriously. Beep beep yall. So, I got up at 430 in the effin morning because last week I didn't have enough time to do my cardio. What a shame. That workout still sucked more than Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. yes I went there. what a whore. but she got exactly what she wanted, more publicity. Also let's not forget the song was called blurred lines, not amazing grace. But back to struggle city, I got mad during part of my workout. the part where I do 714,951 squats and Romanian dead lifts. After round 2 when I was telling myself...oh good. 3 more to go. I got angry thinking that was what Darin thinks I'm capable of, and decided to act like a 3 year old and kick a stability ball. well I kicked said stability ball straight in to the wall, which came promptly back and busted my nose and made it bleed. THEN, not 10 minutes later, I dropped a 15 pound weight on my right index finger and was fairly sure I broke it. I was SO mad. So I finish my workout. down a protein shake, shower and go to work. Only to realize that I signed up to give blood. So, I chug some water and go on my lunch break to do so. Nicest guy in the world took me to the little cubicle where they ask you if you're a whore. Seriously they ask you like 3 different ways if you have sex for money. "do you have sex for material gain?" "do you have sexual intercourse for money?" "do you have sexual intercourse for monetary donations" like DO I LOOK LIKE A PROSTITUTE? No. I work at the hospital. You have my badge in your hand. I don't need to shake it on the street corner for 5$. obviously I would be the worlds worst prostitute for reasons I don't think I need to say. Like I'm obese Denise and I have no tolerance for stupidity nor do I know what the going rate for that kind of thing is. really. stop asking me. And they ask you throughout the questionnaire and usually I get to answer the questions on a laptop but some of the more awkward people read them to you. But anyways, he pricked my finger the first time which is THE WORST PART and lo and behold, I'm anemic again. So let's try the other hand because sometimes the readings are different. it hurt SO BAD and it was lower on my left hand. So I got the no-go for donating and the guy was like "you didn't fail, it's not your fault"....um I know it's not my fault buddy, and this isn't something you fail at. You fail college classes. You don't fail giving blood. So then I just walked back over the bridge to my office and put my head down for a few. all aboard the struggle bus. beep. beep. bitches.

 

I haven't had ONE bite of anything that I wasn't supposed to eat. Tonight is the first cheat meal night that I honestly deserve. and I can't fucking wait. I plan on eating a bowl of frozen yogurt with cookie dough and cheesecake as big as my head. with marshmallow sauce and maybe some reece pieces. I also have a can of mountain dew and a pack of poptarts ready for consumption too. weirdly enough, I can tell a difference in the way food makes me feel now. Like..when I eat "good" (like normal people) I don't feel NEARLY as tired. at all. I can workout and come home and not feel like I need to lay down. I haven't had fast food in 9 days. which is sadly a record, but it's fine.

 

and the next beach body coach to hit me up on instagram is gonna get it. like STOP. DO ANY OF MY 98 MILLION POSTS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH INSANITY, P90X OR SHAKEOLOGY? no. no they do not. Stop trying to push insanity or t25 down my throat. I prefer weight lifting to jumping around in my living room like a hippo on a bad meth trip with Shaun-T yelling "lets go!" and "keep your core tight", so LET IT GO. It's. not. happening.

 

I joined The Rush! my contract with the Y is over in like 3 weeks anyway, and I was over it. it's too small. It's SO freakin weird but I'm not nearly as anxious at the rush. Except the only time is when I'm using the leg press machine that you actually load the plates on. I feel like people judge me when I use it and that's the ONLY machine I feel that way on. I'm weird. this isn't news. but. I guess because in my crazy little mind there are enough people there to make me feel like no one is watching me. Which, obviously my rational mind knows that no one gives a damn what I'm doing, but sometimes I felt that way at the Y. It's big enough to where I also dont feel like I'm right on top of the other gym goers. Though, the lady signing me up was pushing their personal trainers. I was like um, I've lost almost 100 pounds and I have my own trainer and she was like oh. well if you want, I can hook you up with a free session and he can take measurements and get your body fat percentage. HOWWWWW is that supposed to make me want to do that?! no. no. no. hell no. I am not going to have the boy who looks like the situation know anything about me. He was sitting there drinking his pre-workout like he was sipping on wine and staring like he had a mental problem. Hey ass clown, middle school called. Spiking your hair like that is only cool if you're 12. Not 35. His name badge said something like "Coach T" ...I'm sorry, we're not middle school football players and if I'm going to talk to you, I'm not calling you "coach T"....I want your name, or I'll make one up for you. and I promise it won't be as nice as "coach T"...dickhead. And also explaining to that lady that I didn't want her damn personal trainers was like explaining the seek part of hide and seek to Helen Keller. Good news though. I got "all locations" which I guess means every rush they've built and a month-to-month contract and no enrollment fee because I work at Mission! I joined Friday, and it was a 10 minutes of sprints day, so I did that...and some 'splorin. I found a glute machine I like, and I did some bicep curls on the hoist machine because I LOVE those machines. I also looked around the free weight area but I also don't like to get in the way. They have a pool and a hot tub but there was the creepiest looking man EVER, E.V.E.R. in it, so I doubt I'll ever use it. I don't what to know what happens in that pool area.

 

Anyways ya'll. if you're still reading...bless you. I know I ramble and it's weird that I say all this stuff, but I like my blog and I like to make people laugh. so thanks for reading and being a part of my journey here. that's all I have to say for now (about. damn. time. I know) so until next week, my friends.

 

 

 

That time I made a noise.

ya'll. seriously. I've become that person at the gym that I usually make fun of. The one who you can tell gets upset when other people take "their" treadmill/bench/weights/etc. All I'm saying is that most days around 5pm you can find me on the small Landice treadmill with the place to put your ipod. So why then, Mr. ipod-less 90 year old power walker, do I walk in the gym to FIND YOU ON IT?! I mean I'm okay at sharing, I have a twin seester and a brosef, but really. inconsiderate. THEN. This part pains me to actually admit. I made a couple noises during my last workouts. I HATE people who make noises. My back and tricep workout, during the last SIXTY overhead extensions I was making faces, but before that, during the row, row, row till your back falls off mess of stuff, I was doing wide grip rows with more weight than I've done, well, ever, I grunted. like audibly. I don't like it either. It was involuntary. I didn't even know it was coming. I'm still upset about that. 

In other d-bag news, I'm sore as shit all the time. I did a back and tricep workout on Tuesday and my back is STILL sore. Darin and I are working together again and I actually really, really love the workouts he's written this go around....although Monday's workout is called "3 bars of death....and abs!" a)I don't want to do anything with 'death' in the title, and b) anything with abs. I haven't done a sit up or a plank in months. which means it's gonna be ridiculous. not looking forward to that one. Though these workouts are different. The last ones were a mix of everything and these are broken up and it's like you absolutely kill one muscle group before hitting another. Like today's shoulder workout has like 4 different kinds of lateral raises, push presses and shoulder presses, and then it starts with like 6 different kinds of bicep curls. I'm excited though because those are my favorites. Also, I dreaded my leg workout for 3 days. Like I didn't want it to be Thursday because I knew what I would be doing. I got up at 4am to go to the gym to knock it out before the meeting I had to go to for like 5 freakin hours. There's this one crazy as hell set where I do a Romanian dead lift which are my jammmmm with a zercher squat (not my jam) and you do 15 of each, add weight, 12 of each, add weight, 10 of each, add weight, 8 of each, add weight, 6 of each..... repeated FIVE TIMES. THAT'S FIVE HUNDRED AND TEN REPS. and that wasn't the end of leg day. there were front squats, lunges, calf raises, leg extensions and hamstring curls. I not only grunted, but cried a little out of frustration. I looked crazy. as. hell. I also never knew that there was more than 1 way to do calf raises. Mine now hurt. all over. 360 degrees of pain. scratch that. everything I own hurts in some way. 

Also. who hasn't ran more than a mile in about 3 weeks? I'm raising my hand in case you can't see me. who also seems to love carbs? I'm raising both hands. I just love fruit. that's alllllll. and potatoes. I also sucked at getting a gallon of water in the later the week went.

 

Moving on, I've decided it's about time I get it together and learn a little more about nutrition. What? poptarts aren't good for you? No no no, not any kind of bullshit stuff like that (they seriously do have real fruit in them, I will stand by that statement until I'm 6 feet under and eating all the poptarts heaven has to offer one day) but I mean stuff like what carbs actually do, other than make me happy. I did read on the google (try putting "the" infront of stuff...it makes your words a lot more fun) that carbs are all digested as sugar, and the type of carb determines how quickly it's absorbed and used, or stored. I also do know that you should keep your fats to a minimum post workout because it blocks the absorption of protein which has the amino acids your musckles (mus-kuls) need to repair the shredding you just laid on them. As I've done here before, here's the disclaimer. I have no idea who is reading this blog, and how you take what I say isn't my problem. If you think I'm rude, stupid, God's gift to creation, the long lost princess of the curly hair kingdom, whatever. The above paragraph about macro nutrients (suck on that, Merriam Webster) could be completely and totally wrong. I don't think it is, but take what you find here with a grain of salt and do your own research. google is free for everyone! just like facebook and myspace. seriously I'm sick of these old people on my facebook posting the "IT WAS ON THE NEWS! FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING EVERYONE UNLESS YOU POST THIS STATUS 482082 TIMES!" I think facebook should legit charge the dumbasses who post that stuff. and the ones who say "God will bless you if you post this status"...it's kinda like the one time I got hoodwinked back in like 1998 when chain emails got popular on AOL and I got this email from a girl named Emily claiming to be dead, and if you didn't forward that email/virus to 20 people she would appear by your bed at midnight with a knife to kill you. That night I slept on the couch, so jokes on you Emily. I don't know how the hell I get on these topics.

 

anyways. I'm -3 pounds this week, I have 3-4 pounds to go before I'm officially -100 pounds. whhaat? not really sure what I'm going to do for a celebration. Maybe get my nails did. who am I kidding, I'll just chew them off. my nails always look like I got hungry and needed a snack. hmmmmmm. we'll see what I come up with. Rest assured there will be a few pictures on facebook and instagram. well, that's all I have for now. Catch up with me next week and see what else I can find to ramble about. 'till next time, my friends.

 

A whole new world.

A whole new worlddddddd. A dazzling place I never knew, but when I'm way up here, it's crystal clearrrr...

Imagine me singing that on a magic carpet in India, where I feel like Aladdin was filmed. Well. Aladdin wasn't a real movie it was animated. If you down know that song, leave now. We can't be friends. Just kidding. Kind of.  

what is happening? I'm blogging on somewhat of a regular schedule and it seems like every week my life has changed enough to warrant an essay. 

 

I have new goals and I'm not sure where to begin. Other than Katy Perry's new song "roar" is my effin jammmm. I'm trying to cuss less, but I think we all know by the end of this post I'm gonna be dropping f-bombs. I just can't help myself. Anyways, I have a... I won't say weird, even though it is to me, but ... new. new is a good word. New goal that I actually laughed at when I decided to write it in my Lily planner (my Lily Pulitzer planner is where ALL my important information is....just in case anyone wants to steal it and ruin my life)....and that is, I, Vanessa Kaitlin (Ke$ha) Freeman, want to eventually compete in a bikini competition and I laughed again while I typed that. The words "Vanessa" and "bikini" are never ever ever ever never in the same sentence. Here's the thing though,OBVIOUSLY I know that I have a lot more weight to lose, but I know there are still contests going on in November...so my goal is to be ready next November...which gives me around 15 months to lose the rest of my weight and get it together. Now, I'm not even sure if that is possible or with my back the way it is and the Edward scissor hand type scar running from the base of my neck to the small of my back and the one on my hip...plus I know losing a ton of weight could make me need skin removal surgery. Oh also I have terrible social anxiety....but I have a quote in this crazy memory I have that says "decide you want it more than you're afraid of it."

The definition of courage (yes I googled it) is "the ability to do something that frightens one" which lets be clear. I have no idea what's about to happen but I don't want to be 50 years old wondering what would have happened if I tried. I want to do this more than anything. I've wanted to do it for a while, since this whole thing started, but I ALWAYS gave up when I was trying to lose weight before so I figured this time would be like the last and just to give it up now. I'm really glad I didn't listen to that part of me. I follow a ton of NPC competitors on IG, and it just fuels my fire. I want to be strong AND pretty. I just really am having a hard time envisioning myself on a stage in clear heels and a bikini of ANY kind, all tanned up (that also seems weird to me as I'm whiter than Michael Jackson and Casper's love child)  flexing like I'm Dana Lin Bailey, but I want to give it a shot. I'll be 25 when all this (hopefully) goes down which makes me feel old. Though, I do feel like Darin is gonna have an "adult" honey boo boo on his hands. "why are we doing this? I just want to eat cheese puffs!" haha clearly I'm a mess.  But, I have SO much I want to do and it's so crazy how much things have changed since I've lost weight....which. brings me to point number two.

 

I quit weight watchers. I got pissed off, and went back to myfitnesspal and counting calories and I've lost 6 pounds this week. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. I lasted about 10 seconds without using the F bomb. New record. #cantstopwontstop. I have a problem. I guess weight watchers was giving me more calories than I needed(?) and I was eating not so great choices? I mean I really didn't eat m&ms for 7 meals a day, so I don't know what the deal is. I honestly didn't change anything that drastically. I ate a lot of turkey sausage, eggs, grilled chicken, salads, the same thing I was eating on weight watchers but I guess I was more aware of how much I ate(?) I don't know. I haven't gained any of that weight back....and we all know I get on the scale every morning, sure as the sun will rise.  I went to the gym the same amount of times, but I did more weight lifting this week and it felt good to get back in the swing of that. Except I did a leg workout on Wednesday and wanted to DIE. Plie squats supersetted with box jumps, leg press supersetted with boot strappers which finding a place to do boot strappers where I wouldn't scare off the other gym patrons was a process in and of itself... hip abductions supersetted with split squats and calf raises. I seriously hoped at one point I passed out so I could call the workout a wash and leave when I woke back up. I'm dramatic but that thought really crossed my mind. My legs are still sore as shit. I did treadmill sprints on Thursday because when I do a leg workout I can't do cardio after. Weird, but my legs didn't hurt while I was running...just every day after haha. It's a rough life. one thing at a time.

 

speaking of one thing at a time and myfitnesspal. Who consumed 248 grams of carbs on Friday? I'm raising my hand in case you can't see me. WHAT THE FUCK. IT WASN'T EVEN MY BIRTHDAY. I feel like 248 grams of carbs is like I'm gonna run a full marathon today nutrition. Not I'm gonna go to the Y and do some back/chest action and a few elliptical sprints then go home and lay on the couch type nutrition. BUT, lesson learned. Pay a little more attention to your food BEFORE the end of the day. annnnnd because I make bad choices, I ended up riding to dairy queen with Nick and Kalynn at 11 o'clock last night and got a mini cookie dough blizzard. Was it cheat meal night? no. do I regret it? not that much, no. This was hands down THE best week I've had in a long, long time. Today will be better, and tomorrow won't be. Matt, Rebecca and I are taking a mini-road trip to Knoxville to see Darin in "The Nerd", so I'm saving some bad choices for the trip.

 

and this is legit first world/weight loss probz at their finest but none of my clothes fit anymore. I know what you're thinking. Nessie, why don't you treat yourself and go buy some beautiful new smaller clothes? well that's a wonderful idea, readers of this blog. However, I'm a cheapskate and can't find anything I really want to spend my money on haha. Like legit all my scrub pants are 3 sizes too big and look like I'm wearing a tent on my lower body...which sounds like toot toot, all aboard the brag boat, but really. I'm a mess. I really should though. I've lost a total of 8 pants sizes and 4 shirt sizes. I still wear my shirts to the gym, and my new favorite activity is cutting the sleeves off my shirts. I didn't realize how much of a redneck randall I looked like when I cut the sleeves off my bass pro shop shirt hahahaha. I really need to stop talking.

 

so. there you have it. Another completely crazy insane essay about the happenings of my life. go do yourselves a favor and download "roar" by Katy Perry and "brave" by Sara Bareilles. you're welcome. until next week, my friends!

 

 

Rants and raves.

so here's the thing yall. I have a lot to say, so prepare yourselves. 

I lost half a stinkin pound this week and I ran a fucking 5k the night before on the treadmill. I RAN FOR AN HOUR. 57 minutes to be exact but I RAN FOR AN HOUR the night before a weigh in. I should have been back at my birth weight. I really do understand that weigh ins at noon aren't the most reliable methods of gauging progress. Really. but that's what my weight watchers group goes by and yes, other people gained weight this week and I lost, so that's good. I'm wasn't mad. I'm not mad. Maybe if I type that enough I'll believe it. Do ya'll believe me? no? that's fair. I was pissed. I couldn't even pay attention to the meeting about sleeping and losing weight because I was stewing over losing half a pound. But also ya'll I'm not saying ha-ha to those that gained weight, I felt bad for them because I will likely cry when that happens to me. this has LEGIT been the hardest thing I've ever done and it pisses me off when things don't go the way I think they should. Especially when I ran 3.2 miles the night before. am I still talking about that? you betcha. BUT. a total of 4 pounds in 2 weeks is fine. really. that averages 2 pounds a week. I angry ate a hamburger when I got back to my office from my meeting. Am I the only person who angry eats? and then about 20 minutes later I was like...well that will certainly show the scale who's boss. Sometimes I'm an idiot. it is what it is. I talked to my leader after the meeting, and this is where another rant is going to start. so prepare yourselves for some possible profanities.

my main beef with weight watchers (see what I did there?) other than the fact that if you don't use the activity points you earn in the week you get them, you don't get to use them (I earned 48 last week and didn't get to use a single one. mother fuckers.) is that they don't promote exercises as much as I think they should, especially weight lifting, and the system is kind of weird. And, THIS IS MY OPINION ON MY BLOG WHICH YOU ARE VOLUNTARILY READING, and you should know by now i'm pretty honest about this stuff but they really shouldn't have people with no real fitness background telling people how to lose weight. Yes I'm just figuring this out. It's cool that the leaders have lost weight on weight watchers, you wouldn't want someone who did something different selling something they don't know about...but my leader suggested I use ALL my points for the week and said I should eat something I've been depriving myself of. Well I love dipping cheetos in ketchup (if you're just figuring out how weird I am, you're obviously new to this blog) but that's a chemical shit storm in my mouth and not something I really should be eating no matter how many points that is. here's the thing too, I get 47 points a day (don't you dare judge me) and 49 weekly points for days you go over/treats/etc, PLUS the 48 I earned from running/exercising....that's a SHIT TON of food. On weeks I workout like I should, I've averaged earning 40 points a week extra. But get this. A chocolate toffee cookie from Atlanta bread company is 11 points. That mofo is no less than 400 calories of delicious soft sweet cookie goodness, in a week I could eat 4 of those and still have 5 points left just using my weekly extras. I could eat 5 more cookies with the leftovers from the weeklies PLUS my activity points. I think 9 of those cookies a week would give me diabeetus. quickly. All the good for you food treats like fruit are zero points. So I can eat 98,592 pineapples in a week and still be at 0 points used. I'm trying to stop thinking about calories and all that other stuff and just do weight watchers. Just do the points system and shut up about everything else. there's a method to the madness I think. maybe. I hope. I don't know. maybe this was a bad idea? I'm a spur of the moment kind of girl and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm doing a 12 week program through Mission's corporate wellness perks, so I'm gonna give it 12 weeks and see what happens. I'm gonna try. Much more of this half a pound bullshit and I'm gonna set my weight watchers books on fire and roast marshmallows over the flames.

 

speaking of rants. here's another one about instagram. I fucking love instagram. I'm an avid poster. I will post about a workout, what I'm eating, my grandparents, close up pictures of my eyes, a video about the gym not being open, whateverrrr. If I'm on my phone chances are, I'm on instagram. I spend a lot of time creeping hash tags and finding new people to follow and foods to try. One of my grade A number one pet peeves are when people start looking down and preaching about how what they're doing is the only right way to lose weight/get fit/whatever. I don't work with Darin anymore, because I was wasting his time. I decided that, not him. Now my life is one big science experiment which is kind of fun. I'm always cooking up new workouts and deciding what I'm gonna do at the gym. I just hate people who get on instagram (with their only fitness background being going to the gym...no CPT cert, nutrition degree, etc) and post these massive rants about "if you're not doing HIIT, you're doing it wrong", "if you're doing 2 hours of cardio a day, go ahead and kill yourself because you're stupid", "if you're drinking shakeology you're a moron", shut the hell up. Yeah, prepackaged meals in the freezer section are a bad choice, but so is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread with cheetos and pudding for lunch that you brought from home. You have to make an effort to do better and find what works for you. I'm all about live and let live. Yeah, I think shakeology is a glorified protein shake, and I would kill myself if I was doing 2 hours of cardio a day because that's too much and I'd get bored. How about we let people find what works for them? let them figure out that shakeology/beachbody is raping them for whey protein and 2 hours of cardio a day will most likely take it's toll on your body in unpleasant ways. experience is the best teacher. I also get the whole "well if it's a proven fact that 2 hours of cardio a day is a bad idea, why not tell them?" arguement. well there's a difference between telling someone and giving them facts to back it up and being a self righteous dickhead. story time! I got this massive prison tat on my leg from one of my brother's friends he met in rehab, done in a wooden shed outside his house in Marion in which I'm fairly sure he used bic pen ink and a prison shank to draw this fucked up star and I don't know what this even is on my leg. 19 year olds make bad choices. am I gonna let this Hispanic gangster (he was in his mid 40s and legit had done time for attempted murder) tattoo anything else on me? no. I learned my damn lesson. Yeah, I learned it the hard way but I learned it, and I know better. I tried 700 other things before I called a personal trainer. I'd tried being vegan, the south beach diet, atkins, eating 1200 calories a day, running, bob harper DVDs, etc. None of that worked for me. Having a personal trainer did, especially the exceptionally awesome one that I got and STILL to this day can't believe that he's the only one I talked to and it worked out so well for me (see what I did there? worked out? ha ha. I'm so funny) but I had to find what worked for me. I didn't run around telling everyone that if they don't call Darin they're gonna be fat forever. If they asked me what I was doing to lose weight, I told them and gave them his contact information. the end. I'm just OVER the people on instagram spewing out "information" (that they likely found from one of the people they follow on instagram) and acting like it's their way or the highway. get the fuck over yourself. 

speaking of bad ideas. sometimes I execute bad ideas. Like oh I don't know, a bicep/tricep/shoulder workout that is really mostly tricep stuff because it's my jam...well it was. till I got a GRADE 2 TEAR in my right arm and it hurts so fucking bad. seriously. I can't eat with my right arm because I can't bend it. I eat like a t-rex.

It's been a rough week, can you tell? next week will be rougher if that's possible. I'm doing extra stuff and extra hours at work, so I'm hoping to at least get my runs in. Mostly because I'm 7 weeks out from my first 5k. 7 weeeeeeeeeks. I act like a 5k is a big deal. It is for me, coming from where I started and not even being able to walk half a mile without stopping, to running 3.2 in less than an hour is a big deal for me. I'm actually looking at a half marathon in April. I'm doing the Fred Spanton 5k October 6 (2 days after my 24th birthday! I'm old now) and then the color run on the 19th. Then my next ventures will be the dirty girl mud run in March, the diva half marathon in myrtle beach in April, then a warrior dash in May and possibly a tough mudder next August. So I have running to do. I've been doing sprints, 5k's on the treadmill and running a mile for time during the week....I try to do sprints every other day and make them sprints. like after 10 seconds I'm about to fall off the treadmill because I can't keep up. 7 mph is about my limit, sadly. But I'm getting better every week!

 

Anyways, I think that's really all I have to rant about at the moment. any and all snarky comments are welcome. 'till next week my friends.

 

one fine day.

I've started this blog post 492 times. that's an approximate value. 

so, lots has changed in the last 2 weeks. for the better, actually. my hair is getting long again, my gas tank is full and I have graham crackers in my house. all of the above are wins, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm about to hit ya'll with some seriousness. get ready. 

It happened when this thought hit me. I have the rest of my life to get "good" at being healthy. Hear this, it's not a cop out for doing "bad"....but i started thinking (very, very dangerous) but WHY am I so worried about how many times a week I go to the gym and how much protien I eat and how much water I drink. Yes, those are important things but they're not anything I need to stress myself out over to the point that I cry, or I get nauseated...because that's what was happening. This shouldn't be THAT stressful, but I make things that way. I overreact and stress out over the tiniest things. It's okay to take my health seriously but to not be able to enjoy anything I do anymore is unacceptable to me. I'm ALL about laughing and having a good time no matter where I am. If you've known me for any amount of time at all, I love a good inappropriate joke, and my wit is one of my favorite things about me and I felt like I lost that this last month. That I hated getting out of my car at the gym because of all the stuff I "had" to do, and the calories I "had" to burn. I get obsessive with my polar heart rate monitor pretty quickly, I've discovered. If I wear it on days I decide that I'm going to do heavy weights, like I can legit only do 6 reps of something, I don't burn a lot of calories so I felt like it was a wasted trip...even though I'm builiding muscle and I'm sore as can be the next day. 

I joined weight watchers almost 2 weeks ago, and I love it. I feel 100x less stressed out then when I was trying to follow a meal plan. I just eat when I'm hungry and don't when I'm not. Which has turned in to about every 4 hours, which is fine. I love the meetings that I go to because it's people from all walks of life, who have lost weight with weight watchers, those just starting out or people who are in the middle of their journeys. I love the lady who leads my meetings, Judy. She's really funny and she makes you feel comfortable. All it takes to make me like you is for you to be funny. End of list. I haven't shared that I've already lost 90 pounds, so they all think I'm just starting out. Weight watchers just allows me to lose weight (3.4 pounds last week) by eating the foods that I already like. Now, I'm not stupid. I learned SO MUCH working with Darin and I'm making better choices. While fruit is techincally 0 points, I'm not going to eat pineapples and grapes all the live long day and instagram pictures about a 0pp day. Poptarts are unfortuantely 12 points per pack which is a shit ton....which means no, I will not be eating those all the live long day either. But it just makes everything feel easier to me. I still measure out my food, and I still try to eat vegtables and complex carbs instead of simple carbs but if I get tator tots in the cafeteria my life isn't over. Hear me loud and clear. Darin never, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, ever made me feel like if I got tator tots in the cafeteria I'm a failure. I did that to me. This is all my crazy-make believe-perfection standard ideas in my noggin. but I feel more at ease doing this because even if I have a bad week, there are 51 other weeks in a year to get it "right". "Tracking" is very reminscent of myfitnesspal, except unfortuantely it doesn't give you the macro breakdown of your food...but you can't really count calories and points because it never really adds up (to me anyways, I'm really bad at math) but in the calcuator you put protien, carbs, fats and fiber...it's really just a pricey way of counting macros, but it makes me feel better and that's what's up.

another announcement...yours truly here is running the color run in Charlotte on October 19th, with my new friend from Instagram, Kirsten. She's on Darin's bodybuilidng team and we started talking on instagram and boom. we're going to be running partners. Once I figured out that I could run a mile (a really slow mile, mind you)....all I want to do is run. My friend Chelsea and I went on a 3.5 mile run (with some walking on my part) through carrier park on Wednesday night. I almost died, but I did it which made me realize that I won't actually keel over dead during a 5k, and won't be crossing the finish line after everything is packed up and gone. I also realized that I won't be the only other person who may have to walk some of it. I have until October 19th, so I plan on running 4-5 days a week and lifting 3-4 days a week. Yeah, not such an ideal split but I'm not doing anything in the gym anymore. I hit legs MAYBE once a week....or I'll go to extremes and do nothing but legs one day so much I can barely walk the next day and then won't do another squat for a week. Balance. It's about finding that balanced equation (11th grade chemistry class flashback!) of food and exercise that works for me and I'm actually having fun finding it. I've learned a ton about myself in the process. Like that I like to run outside. I generally hate the outdoors and say "i'm not an animal, I prefer the indoors" or something snarky to that effect. I like running the lake in Weaverville and I'm excited about trying new places. I also have been a weirdo at the gym and been doing whatever I wanted. and that strangely enough included a bicep curl drop set and a leg extension drop set and I seriously think I'm the only person to ever grunt (involuntarily...I hate people who make a ton of noise at the gym) doing 15 pounds on the extension machine. 

Really. I think coming to the realization that if I only lose 1 pound per week, that's still FIFTY TWO POUNDS in a year. 52 pounds is a lot, and yes I would like to lose 90 more this year, but so far it's looking like that's not gonna happen. which is okay because I have the rest of my life to lose this weight. Nothing spectacular is going to happen when I see 140ish on the scale. No fireworks, no mariachi band, maybe a few tears but really. Life will still be the same, except I'll be healthier. So why not chill the fuck out and be okay with where I am? I know there's a difference between that and getting complacent and I get it, but being happy in this moment is more important than a number on a scale. Honestly, I could drop dead before I see 140 on the scale and I don't want to look back over my life and feel like I wasted these years waiting for better ones. So, I ended a blog post around this time last year with the a wish to be happier and healthier by the time I turned 23, and I made it happen. I want to be happier and healthier by the time I'm 24, and I will make that happen. I'm down 92 pounds, I have 8 more to go before that -100 mark (and epic party that will take place) and my goal is to have that done before my birthday, and I will make that happen (with a little help from my friends, of course). With that, I'm off for a 3 miler today at the lake!