Infectious.

let's talk, shall we?

 

I know, I know. I'm a day late and a dollar short. story of my damn life. speaking of a dollar short... I'm about however much 31.99 x 8 is short. I tried to order some corfetti cake batter protein from cellucor and join Kylethegirls's march challenge, and well it kept saying "error, please try again" WELL AT THE DIRECTION OF THE WEBSITE, I did. and I finally had to use my credit card, and then I check my bank account 2 hours later and imagine my surprise when I'm like 250+ dollars down. I died a little. Then threw a fit. It'll be 12 business days before I get my money back. Oh, it took you mother fuckers 12 seconds to take it. All I wanted was some cake batter protein because I'm gagging like hell on the optimum nutrition cookies and cream now. It has an artificial sweetener taste and the cookie bits in it are disgusting. Yes, I am the weirdo who chews them up. well...tried chewing them. They don't taste like oreos, let's just clear that up right now. Ugh. Then I remembered that my car insurance drafting today too. It's just been a shit show today.

 

on top of that, I have strep and it's not clearing up. In fact it's getting worse. My throat and lymph nodes are SO SWOLLEN. It hurts to eat, and nothing tastes good which let's be clear, not a whole lot of stuff tasted good to me to begin with. the struggle is so real right now. I gagged on water today, too. Which, what the hell? who gags on water?! IT DOESN'T HAVE A TASTE. I tried to tell my noggin that today but it happened like twice. If you haven't had strep in a while, just swallow a kitchen knife, throw it back up, repeat that a couple times and you'll have an idea of how I feel. it blows harder than a two dollar whore on nickel night. too far? welcome to my blog. clearly you're new here. oh and I have a teeeeny tiny tear in my right rotator cuff. My orthopedist at blue ridge recommended a PT eval and gave me a cortisone shot and some medicine. I'm sick of those shots. and let's be clear, I'd rather do pretty much anything than go to that PT eval. I seriously hate people I don't know touching me. It makes me so damn nervous. He didn't seem super concerned about it and it doesn't bother me unless I sleep on it wrong. Sooo crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. 

 

Everything I own is sore as hell too. My forearms hurt so bad. Apparently dead lifting can and will do that to you. My hands have been useless today. Like typing this blog is rough. I got my dead lifting up to I think 150. a 45 and a 10 on each side. I'm super bad at simple math if you haven't figured that out by now. again. clearly you're new here. I can barely count to 10 most days. But anyways, it was super heavy and I had to keep getting a better grip every rep. Which sucked and took a hot minute longer than I would like and I kept making a lot of noise and the cute little fit coaches at the desk drinking a mountain dew (YEAH I SAW YOU) kept looking over at me like wtf is she doing. making gainz. that's what.  ANYWHO, at mostly my request, Darin switched my workouts over to total body annihilations. yeahhhhh. should have thought about that before I made that little request. but, I am burning a metric fuck ton of calories on the daily. One of my workouts has 200 lunges and right around 150ish squats. I don't know what I did to Darin except bring a little drama in to his life. I mean seriously WHY DO YOU HATE ME. I have lunges in every. single. workout. Though I will say that I have seen some noticeable improvements in the shape of my legs. less fat, more muskels. maybe it's just me and I'm delusional but whatever it takes, you know? that and post workout gummy worms. 5 of them is a serving. 5 worms. WHO ONLY EATS 5. I mean, I do, because the minute I get home I have to portion them out because otherwise the whole bag will be sleeping with the fishes. see what I did there? and by sleeping with the fishes I mean sleeping with all the protein in my belly. and by sleeping I mean digesting. I'll stop there. Though if I don't get on my cardio game, I'm going to be sleeping with the fishes fo' real. Steady state is the fucking worst ever. It's easy, but I get so bored. I can't read because I'm moving, I get bored with music pretty quick, people don't like it when you stare, texting is impossible and I can't really talk. Sooooo. It's pretty much like I'm forced to be alone and suffer. I think I've gotten MAYBE 2 hours done this week. and I work alll weekend and I'm sick as shit. I was out of work on Wednesday and Thursday. I went to the gym on Thursday because I thought I felt better. Got 3/4 of the way through my workout and that was it. It was like I hit a brick wall. I thought workout out was supposed to make you feel better and I always heard from the neck-down, stay away from the gym. Neck-up, you're good to go. Except I was good to go lay down after and sleep for a few hours. I guess part of it had to do with me not eating...er, anything really beforehand. again, imagine swallowing a kitchen knife. I'm considering laying off the gym and not infecting other unsuspecting gym patrons contagion style (idk what that means I haven't seen the movie) even though I'm fairly sure I'm not contagious. I just feel like hammered shit. My sweet friend Nicole Oz offered to help me cut whatever is left in my throat out. She's very crafty. And sassy. That's why we get along so well.  

 

food is going well other than right this moment. It's so much easier when you can make whatever you want fit in your macros. Krissy Mae Cagney's new ebook on flexible dieting is the shit. I love Krissy, and her books makes so much damn sense. read it if you haven't.

 

anyways, with that, this installment of for the love of god this is still happening is over. tune in next week to see what else I can find to bitch about. spoiler alert, this is the tip of the iceberg.

that time it blizzarded.

blizzarded is a lot like foggin'. I make up weather words. YOU'RE WELCOME.

seriously, winter shouldn't even be a thing. why is snow real.

anyways, lots has happened over the past week. and I mean a lot. A LOT YA'LL. let me just say that three times in one sentence/fucked up paragraph to make sure you know what I'm saying. is this even a paragraph? hell if I know. Last I heard (in 3rd grade) it has to have 3-5 sentences and a point. This might hit the sentence requirement, but a point? yeah well, you win some you lose some.

first things first, my time with Kevin at Plank has came to an end. It was just that time, and my schedule is about to get nuts, especially with this damn blizzard and volunteering and working and just life in general. I really can't say enough good things about him or that gym though. seriously. Our last workout included some bangin back squats, this weird version of a plank and lots of other stuff.

On Friday I got to meet one of my favorite instagrammers of all time, and she happens to be on Darin's team. Nicole Ozminaaaa! seriously her last name isn't spelled like that and much like my spelling, that workout was ridiculous, but I had a lot of fun with her. I legit burned 850 calories with nothing but weights. no cardio. though, the end of the workout included 300 body weight squats. I know you all know what I was thinking. I kinda would have rather climbed to the top of that rock climbing wall with no harness and jumped off and hoped I broke my neck. Just kidding, there's no way I would have ever made it to the top of the rock climbing wall. but anything can happppppennnnnn. imagine me singing that like Ellie Golding. You can't picture that? me either. There were also smith machine sumos and plié squats. Then we did cardio after that. yay cardio. said no one ever.

Then Saturday, I took this shit show on the road, to Charlotte. I stayed with Jer and I worked out with one of the trainers there. Then afterwords we went to rock bottom and ate. I had this thing of chicken, mac and cheese, green onions and bacon mixed together and shit it was delicious. and donut holes. and a drank. I hadn't had any kind of alcohol in probably a year. and let's be clear, I'm 24. I don't need my mama's permission to drink, so if you feel like you need to get your snitch on and to tell her, well kindly shut your blow hole and get a life. mmk? glad we cleared that up. Pretty sure she reads this trash on the weekly. Actually I know she does because every so often she wants me to remind my readers that I was raised better than to talk/act like this. So did ya'll hear that? it's not her fault, mama said hide your crazy and act like a lady, and well, I do neither. and that's what makes me everyone's favorite twin. HOLLA.

THEN, yesterday, yours truly purchased an ellipitical. whaaaat? I know. cardio all day son. all day. just kidding. I just suck and haven't been doing more than half of what I should be because I just hate being at the gym for 400 hours a day and so I decided to use a slice of my tax return money for something useful. at the time of this writing, I AM DONE. DONE. DONE. I have ghetto-ly rigged the display to stay on the thing because I can't get the baby screws in the display because my eyes are terrible. My diddy (dad) is going to come over Saturday after this damn blizzard and fix it for me. He used to be a carpenter and in my world, that means he can fix everything. He built houses (all of it, I don't know specifically what he did) so I'm sure he can fix an elliptical. I got it for like 280 bucks with taxes and while I can't change the incline, the resistance setting. shit. level 4 of 6 and I was like WHAT. See my instagram/facebook picture if you want to see what it looks like but I'm guessing ya'll know what an elliptical is.

anyways, I'm pretty much stranded at my apartment. woe is me, right? um general housekeeping announcement; I think tomorrow or Friday is Valentines day, so if you're in love with me now is the time to speak up. with that, I'm off to watch some Netflix and eat some pizza I MEAN CARROTS. ha. I'll leave you to figure out what I'm eating for lunch. It'll be a new game called what is vanessa eating for lunch. Promise I'm not drunk right now, I'm just really bored. So if anyone wants to be friends, I'll be here all day.

heavy stuff.

tonight not be as funny and sassy and snarky as the last few weeks have been.

it's just a mess for me.

I've done really well. I've lost about 8 pounds in 2 weeks, and I've been really consistent with my food. Being able to work with the foods that I do eat and have some balance between the good and the not so good, keeps me a little more sane and happy. Darin was right about being able to eat a little more and still lose weight, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me. I still have an internal struggle with that. Also the cardio struggle is real. I did an entire hour of cardio Monday and well that's been it. I've worked like 100 days in a row, and I'm exhausted. So I'm hoping when things calm down I can get in more of a routine. But I'm thinking I'm going to take a few days off. from everything. Because in March, I'm starting school for human services/social work. I'm tired of putting it off. I suck at school, but everyone starts somewhere. I'm also starting to volunteer at a place called Homeward Bound, it's an organization that helps homeless people find permanent housing and offers a place called AHOPE, and they can come take showers and have storage and mailboxes and such. All of my life, my whole goal has been to help people, but the one thing I've said since I was a kid is that I don't think anyone should be homeless, and I want to start my own homeless shelter. So I think volunteering and getting at least an associates degree is a good place to start.

Today was my last workout with Kevin. Things are just getting too ridiculous and my schedule is about to get super weird. He is probably the nicest human on the planet, and if you are looking for a trainer in the Asheville area, I highly recommend Kevin/Plank. legit. I learned to back squat, do some weird ab exercises (coughturkishgetupscough), and just how high my heart rate can go before I have an asthma attack. I learned more about nutrition, too, even though I ate gummy bears in my car after we were done today because clearly I needed the carbs to replace the glycogen I lost during today's annihilation (it happened, Kevin!). and I still have the poptarts in there too. you know, in case of emergency. What happens if I'm driving in a snow storm and wreck my car and I'm trapped in there for days before anyone rescues me? what am I gonna have to eat?

the snark will likely stop here. so if you're here for the entertainment, well. see ya.

here's where the other part of the title comes in to play. I think I'm just beginning to process the reality of my brother being gone. sorry if ya'll are sick of hearing about that, but it's a rare day I'm at a loss for words, but I can't tell you how much I miss him. I can't put in to words what a genuinely good person he was, and how loved he made me feel. Like he thought everything I did was great, and I was so smart, and he always told me how proud he was of me for losing so much weight and as much as I complained about him sometimes and how forgetful he was, he was my brother. and I don't get another one. He never got to get married and have a family, and he'll only be someone my future children get to hear about. He doesn't get to come over and visit my apartment. I don't get to text him or play xbox, or look at old pictures with him. This fucking blows, in case anyone was wondering. I know that he's okay, wherever he is, and I know if he were here, he would tell me to please stop crying so much. What I wouldn't give to have him back, even for a second.

I kinda carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I like to fix everything and do everything and say yes and make everyone happy and well that doesn't work. Life is rough, ya'll. Being an adult is hard shit, and it just seems like nothing is ever easy for me. Which, I don't think everything should be handed to me but damn it would be nice to catch a break.

But on a better note, tomorrow morning I finally get to workout with Nicole Ozmina (@thegreatnpowerfuloz on IG)! and I can't wait. Even though apparently Darin has written quite the workout. Then on Saturday I'm taking this shit show known as my life on the road to Charlotte. I'm going to workout with my bff Jer and then eat some good food. beleee dat. speaking of good food. cookie dough quest bars. I've been eating them all wrong. I hate them in the oven/warm, but cold, like straight out of the fridge.... they taste like toll house cookie dough to me. So I can eat those all. day. long. I shouldn't and don't because they're expensive as fuck and I should probably eat real food.

sorry this isn't as super snarky and stupid as my other ones have been. I just don't feel so good, and when that happens, well. the sassy pants get put in the back seat for a bit. maybe next week, ya'll. Stay tuned though. Because while I might not know what's coming next, I know that everything will be okay. it has to be.