opening doors.

Opening the door is sometimes a really hard thing to do. 

I know what you're probably thinking, uh for who? toddlers maybe, but not adults.

I don't really mean physically opening doors, I mean I've had a few workouts that made opening doors hard but that's not what I'm getting at. I'm saying that all the times I've been scared to open the door, the best things have happened when I walked inside.

I was working as a telemetry monitor and health unit coordinator in the cardiac unit. I disliked my job because I dislike high stress situations. I dislike 12 hour shifts and having to sleep at the hospital when it's snowing. I loved my coworkers, but not my work. I applied on a whim to a medical billing job in the emergency room, and I considered not going to the interview because it was only part time. If I hadn't, I would have missed out on one of the best jobs I've ever had. I had coworkers who were legitimately like family and I thoroughly enjoyed my work. I moved from less than part time, to part time to full time and at the end of time my time in the ER, I had the most seniority in the group. Things change like always, and it wasn't in the cards for me to stay but I can say that going to that interview was one of my best choices thus far . 

The night before I started working with Darin, I was a mess. I didn't know what was going to happen. If he was going to yell at me Biggest Loser style while I threw up after running on the treadmill for an hour or if he was going to tell me that he couldn't help me. I was so nervous, I threw up in the parking lot at work before I drove to the gym. I was THAT anxious. You know what though? there was no yelling, there was nothing but a tall dude who loved squats and what he did for a living there waiting on me. I worked with Darin in person for 11 months. I lost over 80 pounds during that time and then I worked with him online for almost another year. Walking in the door to One on One Health and Fitness was one of the best things I've ever done. I learned how to exercise, how to move, how to cut calories in healthy ways and I learned that I could do more than I ever thought possible. I survived several boot camps (I say that like they were military boot camps and not voluntary) and had a lot of fun. If I hadn't had the courage to walk in the door at my heaviest weight, I don't know where I would be right now, I just know it wouldn't be half as good as where I am now. 

I considered not even walking in to Asheville Strength. I knew that whoever these people were, they were probably some bad ass lifters who followed strict paleo diets and wouldn't like me because I was overweight. I wouldn't fit in, and I certainly would never be able to do what they did. You know what? I found a group of the some of the smartest, strongest, funniest and most supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I watch them lift at competitions with the same excitement I have before I lift.  To think that I never would have gotten the medal I'm so proud of, and I certainly wouldn't have met these people or found a sport that I enjoy so much makes me sad.. All because I was too scared of what might happen. 

I could sum this whole blog up in a few words. I'm glad I opened the door. 

saying no.

One of the things that is hardest for me is saying no.

saying no to a brownie, a horrible ex boyfriend who is married and asks me to dinner, saying no (please) to extra projects at work. Saying no does not come naturally to me. I am a people pleaser by nature and I am very passive even when I shouldn't be. But one thing I've learned through this whole journey is that willpower, much like your muscles, gets stronger the more you work it. The last 7 days I have tracked every single bite that has went in my mouth. I lost 4 pounds this week, and I am so happy about it. It's hard though, I'm not going to lie. It requires a lot of me packing food and counting out pretzels and making myself get up and get more water to drink at work. I've had less than 20 ounces of Mountain Dew (the nectar of the Gods) this week and that's a record for the last year. I really want to lose 30 pounds before my next meet, and I'm going to fucking do it. I don't know why I picked 30 pounds, because as skinny as I'll ever be, I'll likely always be a "super heavy" aka super, also known as the 75+ to the politically correct among us. I just want, and need, to lose more weight. I'm technically healthy where I am right now. My fasting blood sugar is 82, my cholesterol is fine, my blood pressure is actually on the low side, but I just don't like the way I look, and that's reason enough for me to change.

I've been sticking to weight watchers like my life depends on it. I've eaten a lot of apples and bananas this week. I replaced my breakfast with a protein shake and one of the aforementioned fruits. A snack is usually 22 mini pretzels with 1/2 a tablespoon PB and 1 tablespoon chocolate chips. Lunch is usually shredded chicken salad and fruit, another snack of pretzels and dinner is sometimes a repeat of lunch. It all adds up to what it should, I'm not hungry and ready to cut a bitch and when the time comes that I absolutely can't say no to something like a cupcake or if I need a handful of the "weeklies", I'll pull those out and use them without guilt. I have another 100 pounds to lose and if weight watchers is going to be the thing that keeps me sane, I'll keep using it. It's not complicated and I feel less guilt about food, which I shouldn't feel any to begin with because food is just food but that's what happens when you have a fucked up relationship with food, your body and your mental health. Yeah, I went there. #surprise.

So right now, when all I want is a brownie, I'm going to eat my sugar free orange jello, drink the last 15 ounces of water and go lay down and watch netflix. Tomorrow is a day of apartment hunting, some possible cardio in the forecast and maybe a glass of wine. All I know is that I'm going to be 30 pounds lighter by March 21st and I'm going to get better at saying no.

camp, skwatz and chicken.

We're 4 days in to 2015 and I'm hoping that the rest of the year is half as awesome as the last week has been.

I spent the majority of last week at weightlifting camp! 3 training sessions a day x 7 days. Now, don't get crazy, I didn't go to the 9am sessions because yours truly needs more beauty sleep than the average bear. But, I did go to the 1p and 6p sessions. I was able to snatch 34 kilos twice without pain in my shoulder! which isn't 40 kilos but that will happen this year, too. I had to widen my snatch grip to make it collar to collar, but I can snatch 85% of the time without any discomfort again! I PR'd my power clean at 52 kilos, which was unexpected. I'm a bro-cleaner aka it's like a reverse curl for me but it doesn't feel like that's what I'm doing. Back to the point, camp was da bomb. I learned a lot and got to talk to and lift with some really cool, incredibly strong people. Plus, any time I get to sleep in and then go lift and eat...well, that's a good day in my book.

Speaking of what I'm doing, I joined @Lindseylosingit's diet bet which started yesterday I think! I have 28 days to lose 4% of my weight. It's not an insane amount, but it's a little tricker than I thought. My papaw always says that only fools bet, but I hope he's wrong. I mean, it's kind of like you're betting on yourself. I don't play the ponies on the reg, whatever that means (I'm thinking like the Kentucky derby?) so hopefully we're all good here. If I do lose my 4% I get my money back + a portion of the bank from the people who didn't lose the weight. I also am doing the 21 day squat program/nemesis/challenge thing, so hopefully a metric shit ton of squats will aide me in my quest to get skinnay. I actually never imagined this day would come, but I actually like squats. As many of my faithful followers here know, I absolutely loathed squats for a LONG time. It only took 2 and 1/2 years, but I've come around.

As I sit here typing this, I have everything weighed and measured out and ready for tomorrow. Back to reality, which kinda sucks but that's okay. It's gonna be a good week. I'm sticking to weight watchers at the moments and I lost 3 pounds last week. I'm weighing myself daily so I get used to the fact that it's literally just a number. Like the speed I drive to work, I should have no emotional attachment to that number. I'm a really good person if I weigh 500 pounds just like I'm a really good person if I weigh 50 pounds. Goals are goals, and this year I'm going to meet all of mine. I'm not good at making long term goals with numbers related to my lifts. Nick and Tamara say a 40 kilo snatch isn't a "long term" goal. I would like to hit 40 soon, and by the end of the year maybe 60. Who knows, apparently I don't know my own strength sometimes.

Anyways, I made some really good chicken. You just throw some boneless, skinless chicken bewbs in the crock pot, add in reduced sodium chicken broth plus taco seasoning and let it boil (pronounced bol) for a few hours till you can shred it with forks. I'll eat that for lunch the next couple days in a salad or over some preportioned tortilla chips that I crush up to make me feel like I get more bang for my buck. Over the last few years I've picked up a lot of fun tricks to help make eating better (relative term) easier. Like sugar free jello and popsicles are my jam. 15 calories each, no fat or carbs, so you can legit eat like 5 and be fine. I've also learned there are certain things I can't keep in my house, like cereal. I will eat an entire box in a day, and I haven't met a cereal I don't like. Raisin bran, special K, corn pops, frosted flakes, fruit loops, apple jacks, Oh's, reese's puffs, captain crunch, you name it and I will most likely eat it, cereal wise. So I just don't buy it anymore.

Well that turned in to a lot of rambling to say this. The start of 2015 has been great, and the rest of the year is going to follow suit. My next weightlifting meet is sometime in March, the sanction has to get approved and all that, so it's on like donkey kong.