over my head.

"If you're never in over your head, how will you know how tall you are?" - T.S. Elliot

I think in over my head was a bit of an understatement today. But you know what? it was a really, really good day. Even if I did cry a little. Let me preface this by saying that I cry about everything, especially when I get nervous. Right before I lifted, I got a little teary because I was nervous and anxious as shit. I knew I was about to get in front of everyone and didn't need to look like a basket case so I cut the tears. You gotta grow up sometime. I opened at 30 kilos and then hit 32 or 33, I honestly don't know and I think it may be better that way, and 34 then got called back for a 4th attempt at 35 and made it! I missed 34 absolutely no less than 10 times last week! so imagine my surprise when I made it and then with more weight. I credit the unfiltered adrenaline and anxiety coursing through my veins. Oh, and donuts. I had a bit of sugar in my veins too.

You know what's kind of weird? to think about how much has actually changed over the last 2 years and how it all kind of came together to put me where I am right now. I've lost my brother, changed jobs, lost and gained weight, got my own apartment, wanted to be a body builder, found and loved Olympic lifting in a gym full of people who are some of the smartest, down to earth, fun loving people I've ever had the luck of meeting. The majority of the changes started with the decision to say "I just want to lose weight." ... started from the bottom now we here. and I kinda like it.

I know that some people compete because they want to be the best and they want to win and be awesome. You don't have to win to be awesome. You just have to try, and that's what I did. I tried really hard to not worry about how fat I must look compared to everyone else and how hard 37 kilos was for me to clean and jerk when other people warmed up with more than that. I tried hard to remember to lock out with authority when I snatched and keep my elbows up when I clean. So did I do awesome at the meet? depends on who you ask. If you were to ask me, I would say yes.

it's kind of like Christmas morning.

in 6 days, I'll participate in an unsanctioned meet at Asheville Strength. 14 days from then I will compete in a sanctioned meet at ETSU. I'm not sure what got in to me to think that this would be a bangin idea.

I'm Nessie, I'm shy, I have social anxiety, I get scared easily, I'm not as strong as everyone else, I'm uncoordinated...I could go on.

All of those things though, can be changed. The reason I called this blog a chance to start over was because I thought that weight loss would be my chance to start over. While that's true, right now my starting over is stepping outside of this huge bubble of comfort I've made for myself. There's not a ton of magic in a comfort zone, but right outside of it is where the wild things are, where the magic happens. I'm starting my own homelessness project, I'm finding a job that's going to make me like going to work again, I'm going to follow through and compete in these meets.

I love olympic lifting for one reason, and that is it's fun. Not because it's something that will help me lose weight (having my jaws wired shut would help a lot) or something that I do out of duty because I want to be "healthy"... I love snatches (twss) and jerks...cleans not so much but that's neither here nor there. Tamara keeps telling me the weights I'm missing at aren't heavy for me, and I want to believe she's right. I just can't get my mind to shut up and let my muscles do the talking. It's like I get halfway up in a snatch and think "this is so heavy" and that's it. It turns in to pretty shitty front raise. Last week, Tamara had me doing snatch triples, I got up to 30 kilos and told her it was iffy at best, because most of the time I couldn't get 30 kilos up. I did one, she had me walk off the platform and come back and try again. I got two. Then I walked off the platform, came back and did a third. They probably weren't the prettiest snatches, but I got 30 kilos up 3 times in a row which I'd never done before. I also got 32 which was a match for my current PR and got 34 up and promptly lost it.

I've been writing down weekly goals, and you know what my goal for next Saturday is? to spend more time enjoying myself and the people around me than worrying about how fat I must look and how light my weights are compared to everyone else. Same goes for the sanctioned meet. I've thought 100 times about waiting until next year for a sanctioned meet. I go back and forth in my head about it at least 2 times a day. But you know what? 2 years ago I wouldn't have thought about participating in a weight lifting meet and here I am 6 days away. Its an experience I'm looking forward to in a Christmas morning kind of way. A little worried about the preparation, but excited to see how it all comes together if that makes sense.

Next time I blog, friends, I'll have a new title. Nessie, competitive weightlifter extraordinaire.

happy magic.

being happy despite your circumstance is a choice.

I have this problem where nothing I do is ever good enough. I get it pretty much from all sides but mostly from myself. My grandparents want to know when I'm getting married and having kids because "we won't be around much longer." I can never lift enough, I can never stick to a diet long enough these days, I suck at my job, my apartment looks like a poor frat boy lives there, I could go on, believe me. But I'm trying to learn to be happy and enjoy my life despite this voice in my head that says "why bother?" constantly. I want to be the best at everything, and I want it now. Right this second. I want a spotless apartment, a promotion, a snatch PR and to have lost 100 more pounds and better yet I want it yesterday. Earth to Nessie, the world doesn't work that way and you would think having lost weigh previously I of all people would know this. It takes a while for me to learn things. But while I'm working for those things, being happy is hard. But I'm learning to, slowly, just enjoy myself. Enjoy the fact that my job isn't micromanaged, it's pretty self directed. I have coworkers I enjoy talking to. Enjoy the fact that I have an apartment that, so what if there are pizza boxes, beer bottles and clothes everywhere? I have somewhere I call home. As for a snatch PR, well, that will come. The gym is a place where I get to go and for the time I'm there, it's like the world outside doesn't matter. Nothing exists outside that door. I don't worry about cleaning, what I have to get done at work the next day, anything. "be here now" is one of the things I repeat to myself when I start getting anxious and can't bake. I bake because it gives me something to do, by the way. I don't know what to do with my hands #rickybobbyquotesftw. Be in this moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow or a week from now, here. now. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. It's like less than reliable happy magic.

In the last week, both of my parents have been in the hospital. My dad is still there and my mom is having surgery on Friday. I'm pretty stressed out, and that's normal for me. But learning to still be able to be happy even when I'm worried and anxious is new. I'm working on it a little a time, but I'm certain everything will work out for the best.

In more happy news, here is a list of things I've learned and think everyone else should know too, also with some fun puns I've found via the magic of the internets.

1. If you mix sugar free fat free cheesecake pudding mix in plain greek yogurt and stir up it really well, it tastes almost identical to cheesecake. Legit, I am the pickiest eater on the planet and I will eat that. So I'm almost 100% sure you will like it.

2. If you microwave a glazed Krispy Kreme donut for 8 seconds, magic happens.

3. Putting butter in ramen noodles is also magical. If I learned anything from Paula Deen other than not to be a racist, it's that butter makes everything better.

4. What happens when Peter Pan flies? he neverlands.

5. I want to learn to American Sign Language and I am teaching myself via the youtube. I can almost sign the entire chorus to call me maybe. It'll be useful, I just know it.

and with that, I'm signing off. See what I did there?
ha. I make myself LOL.