Learnin', Growin' and Losin'

There are only two days left in 2014.

Last year, I said my goals were to lose 80 pounds, get my ACSM or Zumba instructor cert, make 5 new friends and I think something like a handstand? well, I got way more than that this year. I didn't lose 80 pounds, but I did do 3 weightlifting meets and even got a medal at one (I'll probably be talking about that for the rest of my life...so go ahead and get used to it). I didn't get my ACSM or Zumba certifications, but I did make more than 5 new friends. I've gotten more comfortable introducing myself to people that I don't know, and not automatically assuming that people are judging me from the word "hello." I've learned SO much about the sport I never expected to love this much. There's just something about having a barbell in your hands that makes you feel like you can do anything. Pair that with a gym environment that encourages intelligent conversation and hard work with people who are some of the smartest people I've ever talked to...well. It's a really good thing. It's something that I look forward to being able to do. I might not be anywhere near as good as I want to be, but I'll get there. I didn't snatch 40 kilos before the end of the year like I wanted to, but I did clean and jerk 40, and even power cleaned 51! 

I want to lose more weight this year and I'm actively working on it. I've been following weight watchers and I created a rewards system for myself. I made a list of 5 goals for the week and assigned them point values, and if I get 25 points in a week I'm going to reward myself with something like a new Fitbit bracelet or a new pair of workout pants. It may seem silly, because losing weight IS a reward for the work I put in, but when you're facing a monumental task like losing another 125 pounds... well I'll be honest, sometimes you just want to say fuck this shit. I've tried that route for a little while and it's not the best way to go about things, I'll tell you that. Every single time I've said "fuck this, I don't care", a few hours later I did care. I've learned it's better to take things a little bit at a time instead of looking at the big picture. One meal at a time, and some days it's even one bite at a time. My sweet friend Lindsay suggested making a game out of making good choices. Try to make one more good choice than you did the day before. I made 3 today, so tomorrow I'll make 4. If I don't do well? I start over and try again. It's taken me almost 3 years to lose 100 pounds, and I follow a girl on Instagram who lost more than that in half the time. You know what though? no two people are alike or have the same struggles. Patience is the name of the game for me, and if you've known me for any length of time you know that's not my strong suit though. Nick told everyone to start watching a small pot of water boil every day. The only rule is that you can't take your eyes off the pot of water. Your mind can wander, but your eyes can't. Brain training, he calls it. He did warn us and say that people have anxiety attacks because you think the water is never going to boil. He was right about that, the first time I tried it I thought there was something wrong with my stove. In reality, It was less than 4 minutes from start to finish but it felt like forever. Patience can be taught, and I will learn to be more patient this year. Also, maybe one of my goals will be to actually pronounce words like "boil" correctly, because right now I leave out the "i" and it sounds like "ol"...you can take the girl out of Madison County, but you can't take the Madison County out of the girl, I guess. 

Speaking of learning, this was the year of all the new things. I moved out of my mom's house and moved to Asheville with a girl I met on craigslist. I thought things just didn't work out when I had to move back home about 3 months in. I was home for maybe 10 days before my old landlord called and said the apartment was available for rent and this time, I got to move in with my sister. I've learned how to manage money and when trash day is. I've traded in a car and gotten a new one all on my own. I can do my own laundry, cook my own food and with a little help from my friends, I can redecorate my bedroom on a budget. I can do more than I thought possible, that's for sure. 

2014 has been a really good year, and I expect 2015 will be even better. 

them feelings.

When I signed up to lift as part of the Weightlifting Academy team, I knew that I would have to participate in 3 meets every year. The thought of that terrified me. The last time I was part of a team was when I played soccer in 9th grade back in 2003...but because I had literally just had 2 steel rods put in my back, I didn't get a ton of playing time (and also because I had never actually played soccer before...ever). I've never been considered an "athlete", I've never really wanted to be one, in all honesty. I thought that title was reserved for people with rock hard abs and gold medals and I didn't really think about "average" adults being considered athletes. I thought it was weird when USAW classified me as a "senior athlete" when I registered with them. First of all I'm not a senior and second, I'm not an athlete. But actually the definition of athlete is " a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina." While I don't FEEL particularly skilled, I think weightlifting qualifies as strength sport that does require skill. I know that I'm harder on myself that anyone would ever be, but being significantly overweight for the majority of your life takes a psychological toll on you. You start to believe that you really can't do things, and that it's not even worth trying. I'm really glad I decided to not listen to the part of me that said "just go home" the first night I walked in to the gym. I would have missed out on such a good thing. Something that makes me feel athlete(ish) with people who make me laugh and people who make me want to be a better lifter. 

The meet on Saturday was probably the most fun I've had in a while. Well, since the ETSU meet. The team Nick and Tamara have put together is pretty damn phenomenal if I do say so myself. I snatched 33 and clean and jerked 38. I was only 1 kilo off my PR total. It was fun, and I am so happy to get to be around people who are so supportive and good at what they do. I never thought I would be excited to get on a platform and lift, but I am. It's not a source of stress, it's actually fun. I know a lot of people don't want to compete until they think they're good enough. If that was the case, I wouldn't have 3 meets under my non-existent belt. Being a 75+ lifter, I should be putting up more weight. But here's the thing, I also just started weightlifting in May and I'm pretty proud of where I've gotten in 6 months. No snatch to a PR of 35 kilos, no clean and jerk to a PR of 40 kilos and no front squat to a PR of 53 kilos. There was a quote I saw that said "if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting the rest of your life" and I think it's pretty true. You'll probably never feel like the time is right. I tend to think "what's the worst that can happen?" and unless the answer is "I could die", I typically try whatever it is that I'm considering. And since I'm still here writing this blog, I haven't died yet. 

Speaking of dying, you can't spell diet without die. I'm having a really hard time sticking to any kind of diet recently but it's my own fault. I can say no, I just choose not to because I'm an emotional snacker. I've gotta knock that off, because I was doing so well. Tomorrow is Monday (diets can't ever start on any day but Monday, FYI) so it's a clean slate and I intend to do well with it. 

writing.

This blog is a productive of me sitting down and getting what's in my head out on paper/the interwebs. Like most of my blogs, it may be hard to follow. But that's okay because now I feel better not having this rolling around in my head

I really like quotes. My quote board on pinterest is one of the ones with the most pins. I saw this quote yesterday and it said "are you going to look back on life and say 'I'm glad I did' or 'I wish I had'?"

I have a lot of "I wish" statements, like I wish I had appreciated my brother more while he was here, I wish I had spoken up when I was being bullied in middle school and some of high school. I wish I had never gained so much weight. I wish I would have finished college. But you know what? all of those things taught me something. Losing my brother taught me that no matter the enormous ache I feel in my heart every single day, I will survive. Being bullied made me sensitive to other people's emotions. Gaining so much weight taught me that if I work hard enough and be consistent, I really can do whatever I want. Not finishing college has kept me out of student loan debt for a degree that I don't know what in the hell I would do with. I have learned so much in the last five years. Like that I'm impulsive, impatient and sassy as hell. I'm funny, kind and brave.

Even though good can come out of the "I wish" statements, I would rather have more "I'm glad I did" because those are the ones that filled my heart with such absolute joy that I could cry thinking about them. I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about how awesome that medal I got at ETSU is. But I really, really don't think I can put in to words how good that felt. I love weight lifting, I may not be the best at it but it's fun. I don't do it because I think I'm going to be a pro at it. You can do something just for fun, it doesn't have to be anything more than a game (one of many things I've learned that from Tamara and Nick). I want to get better at it, I want to learn to do a full snatch (is that a thing?) instead of power snatching everything, but if that never happens...so what? I've found something that I enjoy doing. I think the world would be a happier place if everyone did what they liked to do for fun instead of with the intent of trying to beat everyone around them and be the best.

The point of this never ending story is that I want to have more "I'm glad I did" statements, and if that means doing things that are out of the ordinary, so be it. Nothing about me is ordinary and for a really long time (and even now) I struggle with the fact that I'm not "normal", I have a hunchback from my scolosis, I still have it and I always will. It won't go away because that's where my ribs are. My back was so twisted and out of place when I had surgery, this was they best they can do. I will likely never be able to back squat because the bar is uneven on my back and it hurts. I talk fast, I talk funny, I'm almost six feet tall and I don't say the "oi" sound in words like boil, coil and toilet. I want to change the world and I want to have a good time doing it.

Right now the challenge given to everyone by The Iron Santa Claus aka Nick, is to be positive. I'm a lot more negative than I think I am, and I'm going to work on that. Lately I've been writing down 1 good thing that happened every day and 1 thing that I could work on. You should too. Be positive and proactive! I heard once that "ordinary people do ordinary things but extraordinary people do extraordinary things." So in the words of our friends the Avett Brothers, "decide what to be, and go be it."

40.

40 pounds.

that's what I've packed on this year. My goal this year was to lose 70. Whoops. I think that's the best word to sum up this situation. I know a couple pounds of that is water weight because I haven't drank more than 16 ounces of water in weeks. I can feel the bloat and grossness everywhere. But 40 pounds is where I am from my lowest recorded weight. Which will forever be kept secret. I don't know why I'm so nuts about how much I weigh. It's not like people don't have eyes and can't guess, but to me it just feels better if I don't actually say it. My lowest weight isn't even all that low, I mean it is compared to where I started but I'm going to stop rambling about how crazy I get over my weight.

I can't pinpoint a day that I said, fuck this I'm going to go eat all the things with no regard to calories. Just like the initial loss happened, gradually, the gain did too. That's what's hard. I noticed my clothes getting tighter and regained a little control and composure. Moved out, changed jobs and started dealing with some super emotional shit and did what I've always done. Instead of doing what I use to do, which was going to the gym and doing whatever I wanted to because it was fun, I started snacking. Now ALL my pants are tight, like muffin top to pound cake style tight. So clearly I need to stop eating muffins and chill. But it's not that easy.

I saw a quote on the instagram one day that said "sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it"...guess I'm one of "those people" who lost a ton of weight and then gained some back. I swore I would never do that. Once I lost it, it's gone forever....but that's not how this works. I fucked up, it's that simple. I have to face la musica and either get back to where I was when I started this blog which is the last thing I want...or get my shit together. Whatever that means. I have no idea where to even start because I have lost all every bit of control I used to have. My sweet friend Lindsay suggested keeping a tally of all the times I've turned down a treat or made a good choice, I think I'm also going to hold myself to doing 10-15 minutes of some kind of activity every single day, be it lifting, zumba videos, walking OR running because I signed up for a 5k on January 1st. I've never done one, and this one starts at 10am so at least it's not the ass crack of dawn. Worst case scenario is that I quit mid-5k and never run again. I don't foresee that happening as I'm really not a quitter, I'm pretty stubborn.

I know it's dumb, but cheap food is tasty. McDonald's is a lot faster at making dinner than I am. It's also less clean up time. I don't know where the girl who lost 110 pounds went. The girl who could turn cookies down, who stopped drinking mountain dew for 6th whole months. SIX. MONTHS. I've considered gastric bypass so many times it's ridiculous but I don't think it's gonna fix anything. You can gain every pound you lose back, it's not a permanent solution for people who are weak willed. When I first started trying to lose weight it was all I focused on. I'm not dumb, I know the tricks of the trade and how to lose weight. You eat less, move more. It's not rocket science, but it does require some work, and I've gotten lazy.

I am paying for weight watchers, every month. I have food here. The entire problem is that I'm lazy. But if I don't stop being lazy and get it the fuck together, I'm going to be right back where I started, desperately wishing to be where I am now. I don't want that, at all. So I think it's time to work on fixing the mess I've made.

and that starts now.

the waiting game

I read a quote somewhere that said something like "if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting the rest of your life." That's what has actually gotten me to do a lot of things. It's a great thing to have goals and dreams but if you never take any action towards those things...what's the point?

I got a message today saying that I was likely wasting my time with this homelessness project because people are abusing the system and all kinds of jaded junk. The whole world is not bad. People go through bad times and don't know what to do. The system fails people sometimes, I know people who have what could be considered really good jobs, who still actually fall below the poverty line. Shit is expensive, and I didn't know how expensive until I moved out. Rent, phone, lights, water, car payment, insurance and then there are things like dentist appointments, laundry detergent and toilet paper. ALL THE BILLS. Plus buying food, gas and clothes. If something happened to me or my job, I'm lucky enough to know that I can go home. Others aren't so lucky and I think if I'm in a position to help someone then I should. I'm honestly just coordinating efforts and getting stuff together. I don't have a lot to give, I just know a lot of people who are good people. They just don't have the time or heart to go do this themselves, so they don't. That's okay, what I'm doing isn't really for everyone, especially people who argue that handouts don't help people. I watched an episode of What Would You Do? and for those of you not familiar with it, it's a big social experiment. They set up scenarios like a child being abducted to see what people would do. Everyone has a case of "someone else will do it", and half of the time nobody says or does anything. That show makes my blood boil because I couldn't hold my tongue.  But, I feel very strongly about some things and I guess other people don't care about their fellow humans or don't have the cognitive ability to imagine if they or a close family member were in that situation.

Also, if I had waited to do a weightlifting meet until I was "ready", I wouldn't have that bangin bronze medal on my wall. You're never going to feel ready, well, I don't think I ever will. I can't speak for the rest of America. You just do it, I mean how many people can say they've competed in a weightlifting meet? If nothing more, it's something to add to my arsenal of cool shit I've done. I've meet some of the absolute funniest, smartest and best people in the world. I've made connections with people I wouldn't have otherwise known, had it not been for lifting. I've learned to appreciate what I can do and work on things that give me trouble. I have a lot of issues with the way I see myself, and I don't see myself as doing anything extraordinary. I wanted to be a weightlifter, I found a gym, I found coaches, I practiced, I did a meet. I feel like that's the normal sequence of events. I have a soft spot in my wee little heart for homeless people. I made a plan. I talked to people. I have a date to go hand things out. Simple. I realized you don't have to have a degree to help people. So I'm coordinating my efforts with a few people and I'm going to give people the things they need. It's simple. Just do what you said you're going to do.

stop waiting, start doing.

weekend thoughts, ramblings and M&Ms

Hello, my name is Vanessa and I have something to share with the group.

*hi, Vanessa!*

I know it may be hard to believe, but I have a life. I have a life that is my own to live, the way I see fit to do so. Guided by the God that I believe in, which may not be the God you believe in. I do not need your commentary on how I choose to do this. I would also like to point out that any of the following are not who I am. I am not the weight I've lost or lift, my tattoos, my foul mouth, my love for the homeless population, my distaste for a certain haunted house of horrors in California... I am not any of those things. They are part of me, but not all of me and I don't know what it's going to take for people to realize that. I do not need any one's commentary on the way I choose to diet. I've been at this for 2 years now, and I am aware of what works and doesn't work for me. So can we stop with the judgemental glances when I order mountain dew to drink? I would also propose that people stop shit talking on their facebook status's about how fat people can't be healthy. I know that I'm at risk for things like diabetes (especially with my dad having it), and heart disease and all the evil the world has to offer. But you know what's extraordinary though? I'm FINE. I don't have diabetes, my blood pressure last time I had my physical was 122/62. also known as just fucking fine. My cholesterol is within normal limits and I don't have sleep apnea. Just because you're BMI is within normal limits, doesn't mean you're superman and can tell everyone else how inferior they are for drinking a soft drink. or a hard one for that matter.

There aren't a lot of people who talk about how hard it is to look in the mirror after you've lost 100 pounds and still see the exact same person pre-weight loss. You want to talk about feeling like you've been punched in the gut? know how hard you've worked, all the times it took every ounce of willpower you had and then some to turn down cake at a birthday party and look in the mirror and see no difference. You know what else sucks? going to walmart and feeling judged because of what you have in your buggy. I don't feel like it's okay for me to buy a bag of m&ms or a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I'm overweight. A couple weeks ago, I was checking out and the bag of M&Ms I had, the barcode wouldn't scan, and the cashier looked at me like "do you really need these?" so I just shrugged it off and said to leave them out, I didn't need them anyway. I didn't NEED the brown ones, I hate brown M&Ms, but the rest of them I really wanted.

In other news, I spent this weekend with a group of absolutely awesome people learning from Chip Conrad (the owner of BodyTribe Fitness in California) and Nick, which listening to some of his stories made me laugh and some of them made me really think about, like you become like the 5 people you spend the most of your time around. Chip was really good at explaining the mind-body connection and explaining how to move better. I realized through various mobility exercises and such that I have a lot to work on. I didn't feel like the odd woman out socially, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my lifting tribe, but I couldn't do some stuff because I'm really overweight. I can't do a burpee or a push up or a cossack squat. But I can work on those things, and I will get better at them. I let the fear of judgement from other people stop me from a lot of things. I have the right to eat m&ms' just as much as anyone who is considered "healthy", this is America.  but my social anxiety still gets the best of me, so that will go on my "things to be worked on" list.

I hit my 40 kilo clean and jerk PR tonight, and then a 43 kilo clean, but no jerk. I missed my first 2 attempts at 40, one in front of me and one behind me and that one was sketchy at best. So I think my new clean/jerk PR goal for the year will be 46 kilos aka 101 pounds. I still haven't PR'd on my snatch in a bit, but I think fear has a lot to do with that for some reason. We'll see though, I still have 6 weeks-ish till the end of the year. lots of things can happen between now and then! I do think between now and tomorrow morning, I'm going to get a lot more sore.

2 more weeks till the end of negative kilo november, and so far I think I'm down 6 pounds-ish. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to weight watchers and fast every couple days because once I hit the point of angry hungry aka hangry, things get bad and I probably eat more than I should. So, we'll see what the next few weeks bring! Meet in Asheville on December 13th. Maybe my goal for that meet will be 46 kilo c/j and 37 snatch. Whatever, as long as it's fun, I'm happy.

change, goals and dreams.

you know that thing that you were made for?

the thing that makes you want to stop everything that you're doing right now and spend the rest of your life committed to do this thing?

I've found mine.

I will change the world or die trying. Homelessness will only be taught in history class, it won't be something that is a sad reality for people. Children won't know what it's like to be hungry.

I know that I'm only 25, and just a curly headed, fast talkin, trying to survive being a grown up, grown up. I spend my 40 hours at the business office filing insurance and trying to get my CPC cert. In reality, that's not what I want. What I want is to be outside helping people. I want to be on the street handing out blankets and food and hugs. I want to be giving people hope and connecting them with resources that already exist. I want to be a resource. I want so badly to have a place in the community where people can come and be safe. They won't be worried about where they're going to sleep or if they're going to be able to find food. Moms and Dads wont sit up all night worrying about how they're going to provide for their kids and how to tell them that Santa may not find them this year.

I'm not going to be a resource that exists at Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are too many 2 times a year resources, and frankly, to hell with that. It's wonderful that people want to help but there are 363 other days in a year that people still need things.

I am beyond grateful for the things that I have, and I take them for granted every. single. day. I complained via text message about my coffee at starbucks not having enough room for me to put more almond milk in it. I complained via my iphone 6, from my new car, about the over priced coffee I bought that I was given too much of, so I couldn't put more liquid in the cup. I have a home, a car, a family who loves me (too much, even), a jacket, a phone, I have everything I could ever need and then some. I have more than enough food, I even complain about not having enough room in my cabinets. While people are sitting on the street and literally have no idea where their next meal will come from.

Moving on from the homelessness rambling, there's been a lot of conversations about weight and weight classes and scales and donuts at the gym. It's no secret that I'm trying to lose more weight and now I'm actually taking a step to continue making that happen. It's kind of weird that with women's weightlifting, the weight classes end at 75, and then there's 75+, it doesn't matter if you're 76 or 176 kilos, you're still a 75+, but I still want to get smaller. Which is going to happen, especially since this is Negative Kilo November, ya'll. I will win.

Last January, I said my goals were something like lose 80lbs, become a personal trainer/zumba instructor, and make new friends. which. LOL no to the 80lbs and trainer...but making new friends did happen. So I started thinking about what I really wanted to do. I actually put on a singlet (which really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) and competed. So now what? By the end of December I'd like to snatch and clean and jerk 40 kilos each. Right now 35 is my PR on snatch and 38 on clean and jerk. I can clean 40, but not jerk it. I also want to do a few more meets next year. I'm going to finish and pass my CPC exam by May (or lose like 1900 dollars between the class and exam) and I'm going to get my homelessness project up and started. My dream with that is to eventually take it to Charlotte, Raleigh, to the coast and eventually to other states. I'm having a volunteer meeting/brain storming sesh on November 23 at 3pm at Atlanta Bread on Merrimon. They have really good cookies and wifi, so I feel like it was a good place to set up the initial meeting. All are welcome, even if you just have an idea/suggestion for me. The only rule is that you can't be an asshole. That's all I ask.

anyways, I really have rambled enough and my computer is incessantly playing "party people" by Florida Georgia Line, and while I love them this is not their best song and I can't make it stop. So I'm going to either destroy my laptop or put it somewhere so the battery can die and I can reboot and see if it's still possessed in the morning.

30 days.

For the next 30 days I'm going to be kicking ass and taking names. Tamara, Teresa Santa-Maria and I are doing a weight loss challenge. There's no prize, other than smaller pants sizes and bragging rights. My goal is 30 pounds. If that happens or not remains to be seen, but I'm going to give it a whirl. Stop snacking, more water, and fml here comes the cardio. But I can do anything for 30 days, yeah? and before anyone gets crazy, I know that 30 day "crash diets" aren't the best thing. But if for 30 days I can get myself back in the routine of saying no to treats that I KNOW I don't need, actually doing some kind of cardio and putting an end to the snacking.. well. So be it. Plus I'm 18 and I do what I want. #stickthatinyourpipeandsmokeit

So, I know I'm nothing special, but damn I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I won a medal at the meet Saturday. That medal doesn't change anything in my day to day life, but just imagine yourself as a morbidly obese 22 year old who literally can't walk up a flight of stairs without having to sit down and rest afterwords to getting third place at your first weightlifting meet. I can honestly say it was one of the best feelings in the world. Like I've worked my ass off (literally), and it just feels good knowing that I can do things. I did cry in the bathroom at the meet, because I missed my brother. I know he would have been so dang proud of me. He thought I walked on water and would have been the first person to hug me when I got off the platform. I kinda thought after the first year it wouldn't hurt as much, but it still feels like it did the day he died. 

There really isn't a ton going on with me lately. I've been reviewing my list of goals and scratching some off. Adding new ones. Right now a 40 kilo clean and jerk is on my radar, as well as turning 33 kilos in to something I can do unlimited reps with. I also want to skydive, bungee jump and run a marathon at some point in my life. I'm still working on learning sign language via youtube videos. So far I have the chorus to "call me maybe" almost down. Clearly I'm using my time wisely. 

Well, that's all for now kids. Let's all cross our fingers and hope it never snows again.

over my head.

"If you're never in over your head, how will you know how tall you are?" - T.S. Elliot

I think in over my head was a bit of an understatement today. But you know what? it was a really, really good day. Even if I did cry a little. Let me preface this by saying that I cry about everything, especially when I get nervous. Right before I lifted, I got a little teary because I was nervous and anxious as shit. I knew I was about to get in front of everyone and didn't need to look like a basket case so I cut the tears. You gotta grow up sometime. I opened at 30 kilos and then hit 32 or 33, I honestly don't know and I think it may be better that way, and 34 then got called back for a 4th attempt at 35 and made it! I missed 34 absolutely no less than 10 times last week! so imagine my surprise when I made it and then with more weight. I credit the unfiltered adrenaline and anxiety coursing through my veins. Oh, and donuts. I had a bit of sugar in my veins too.

You know what's kind of weird? to think about how much has actually changed over the last 2 years and how it all kind of came together to put me where I am right now. I've lost my brother, changed jobs, lost and gained weight, got my own apartment, wanted to be a body builder, found and loved Olympic lifting in a gym full of people who are some of the smartest, down to earth, fun loving people I've ever had the luck of meeting. The majority of the changes started with the decision to say "I just want to lose weight." ... started from the bottom now we here. and I kinda like it.

I know that some people compete because they want to be the best and they want to win and be awesome. You don't have to win to be awesome. You just have to try, and that's what I did. I tried really hard to not worry about how fat I must look compared to everyone else and how hard 37 kilos was for me to clean and jerk when other people warmed up with more than that. I tried hard to remember to lock out with authority when I snatched and keep my elbows up when I clean. So did I do awesome at the meet? depends on who you ask. If you were to ask me, I would say yes.

it's kind of like Christmas morning.

in 6 days, I'll participate in an unsanctioned meet at Asheville Strength. 14 days from then I will compete in a sanctioned meet at ETSU. I'm not sure what got in to me to think that this would be a bangin idea.

I'm Nessie, I'm shy, I have social anxiety, I get scared easily, I'm not as strong as everyone else, I'm uncoordinated...I could go on.

All of those things though, can be changed. The reason I called this blog a chance to start over was because I thought that weight loss would be my chance to start over. While that's true, right now my starting over is stepping outside of this huge bubble of comfort I've made for myself. There's not a ton of magic in a comfort zone, but right outside of it is where the wild things are, where the magic happens. I'm starting my own homelessness project, I'm finding a job that's going to make me like going to work again, I'm going to follow through and compete in these meets.

I love olympic lifting for one reason, and that is it's fun. Not because it's something that will help me lose weight (having my jaws wired shut would help a lot) or something that I do out of duty because I want to be "healthy"... I love snatches (twss) and jerks...cleans not so much but that's neither here nor there. Tamara keeps telling me the weights I'm missing at aren't heavy for me, and I want to believe she's right. I just can't get my mind to shut up and let my muscles do the talking. It's like I get halfway up in a snatch and think "this is so heavy" and that's it. It turns in to pretty shitty front raise. Last week, Tamara had me doing snatch triples, I got up to 30 kilos and told her it was iffy at best, because most of the time I couldn't get 30 kilos up. I did one, she had me walk off the platform and come back and try again. I got two. Then I walked off the platform, came back and did a third. They probably weren't the prettiest snatches, but I got 30 kilos up 3 times in a row which I'd never done before. I also got 32 which was a match for my current PR and got 34 up and promptly lost it.

I've been writing down weekly goals, and you know what my goal for next Saturday is? to spend more time enjoying myself and the people around me than worrying about how fat I must look and how light my weights are compared to everyone else. Same goes for the sanctioned meet. I've thought 100 times about waiting until next year for a sanctioned meet. I go back and forth in my head about it at least 2 times a day. But you know what? 2 years ago I wouldn't have thought about participating in a weight lifting meet and here I am 6 days away. Its an experience I'm looking forward to in a Christmas morning kind of way. A little worried about the preparation, but excited to see how it all comes together if that makes sense.

Next time I blog, friends, I'll have a new title. Nessie, competitive weightlifter extraordinaire.

happy magic.

being happy despite your circumstance is a choice.

I have this problem where nothing I do is ever good enough. I get it pretty much from all sides but mostly from myself. My grandparents want to know when I'm getting married and having kids because "we won't be around much longer." I can never lift enough, I can never stick to a diet long enough these days, I suck at my job, my apartment looks like a poor frat boy lives there, I could go on, believe me. But I'm trying to learn to be happy and enjoy my life despite this voice in my head that says "why bother?" constantly. I want to be the best at everything, and I want it now. Right this second. I want a spotless apartment, a promotion, a snatch PR and to have lost 100 more pounds and better yet I want it yesterday. Earth to Nessie, the world doesn't work that way and you would think having lost weigh previously I of all people would know this. It takes a while for me to learn things. But while I'm working for those things, being happy is hard. But I'm learning to, slowly, just enjoy myself. Enjoy the fact that my job isn't micromanaged, it's pretty self directed. I have coworkers I enjoy talking to. Enjoy the fact that I have an apartment that, so what if there are pizza boxes, beer bottles and clothes everywhere? I have somewhere I call home. As for a snatch PR, well, that will come. The gym is a place where I get to go and for the time I'm there, it's like the world outside doesn't matter. Nothing exists outside that door. I don't worry about cleaning, what I have to get done at work the next day, anything. "be here now" is one of the things I repeat to myself when I start getting anxious and can't bake. I bake because it gives me something to do, by the way. I don't know what to do with my hands #rickybobbyquotesftw. Be in this moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow or a week from now, here. now. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. It's like less than reliable happy magic.

In the last week, both of my parents have been in the hospital. My dad is still there and my mom is having surgery on Friday. I'm pretty stressed out, and that's normal for me. But learning to still be able to be happy even when I'm worried and anxious is new. I'm working on it a little a time, but I'm certain everything will work out for the best.

In more happy news, here is a list of things I've learned and think everyone else should know too, also with some fun puns I've found via the magic of the internets.

1. If you mix sugar free fat free cheesecake pudding mix in plain greek yogurt and stir up it really well, it tastes almost identical to cheesecake. Legit, I am the pickiest eater on the planet and I will eat that. So I'm almost 100% sure you will like it.

2. If you microwave a glazed Krispy Kreme donut for 8 seconds, magic happens.

3. Putting butter in ramen noodles is also magical. If I learned anything from Paula Deen other than not to be a racist, it's that butter makes everything better.

4. What happens when Peter Pan flies? he neverlands.

5. I want to learn to American Sign Language and I am teaching myself via the youtube. I can almost sign the entire chorus to call me maybe. It'll be useful, I just know it.

and with that, I'm signing off. See what I did there?
ha. I make myself LOL.

them feelings.

you know that feeling when you figure out what you want to do with your life?

yeah, me either.

but I have an idea. and I will make it happen. I want to spend my life helping other people, in absolutely any way I can. I'm starting my own homelessness project. I got to spend a couple of hours picking my mom's sweetest friend, Patricia's brain. You could say she works in the human services field :) and she's the best. I was probably in her office 2 hours and it felt like 20 minutes. You know the people you can just talk to? she's one of them. Did you know that Asheville has more resources for homeless people than almost anywhere else in the state? but it's not enough. Did you also know that once you become a felon you're ineligible for food assistance? because criminals don't need to eat. I feel that the sarcasm in that last statement is almost tangible. I have so many thoughts running through my wee little brain that it's hard to get them all out. Thus, I blog. Did you also know that public housing has really strict leases, and say, if Rebecca and I were both homeless and I got public housing, if they found out she was staying with me that I could potentially lose my assistance? I mean, if that were really the case, Rebecca wouldn't be homeless for at least one night. I'm lucky enough to have a family that I know will always be there. We may fight and disagree on things, but I know I won't ever be homeless as long as any of my 4 parents are alive. I know that I (probably) will never be able to eradicate homelessness in Asheville (and the world) but damn, I want to try. My first project is just handing out toiletries,snacks and donated jackets/mittens/etc. Let's be honest, I may cry when I'm helping people out, I mean hell I cried when I was telling Patricia about everything I wanted to do. But it honestly just breaks my heart to know that right now while I'm mentally complaining about how stuffy my apartment is, someone is sleeping under a bridge with possibly an empty belly. No one should have to live like that. America is probably the richest country in the world, if we aren't my guess is England is the richest. Let me just say right now that I'm not very smart when it comes to a lot of things like I have no idea how factual that statement was, I just know that with the amount of money America has, we shouldn't have the problem we do with people not having a place to sleep. So somehow and someway I am going to spend my life working on this problem.

In more fitness related news, I have started weight watchers for the 4th time. I also will be participating in a unsanctioned meet on October 18, and a sanctioned real life spandex required meet on November 1st. maybe. I'm having second thoughts. I think that me and my 32 kilo snatch PR might not be ready for a real meet because I'm pretty sure most girls in my weight class 75+ are snatching much more. I also have successfully completed maybe 1 clean. I like to jerk (that's what she said), but I get nervous I'm going to hit myself in the chin again. In more positive news I can front squat 56 kilos which I believe to be 123 pounds. 135 is my short term goal. Oh! I got my singlet via the amazon for like 30 bucks and I feel like a giant blue m&m in it. I'm a lot harder on myself than I feel like is normal, but that's another story for another day.

I know I don't blog a whole lot anymore, but I get busy with life. I'm going to be 25 years old on the 4th of October. TWENTY. FIVE. What in the actual fuck?! I'm definitely not a kid anymore, even though I feel like one. I wonder if this is what getting old is like? like I don't feel a damn bit different now than when I was 18 except I have a lot more "drawings" as my papaw calls them, on my body and I can legally drink. Which I don't really do, ever.

Anyways, this is where we at. Pretty much where we always are, in a never ending circle of crazy. But for now, I'm off to eat some ice cream and read. Until next time, enjoy yourselves my friends.

nessie out.

I just got famous, ya'll. kind of.

http://weightliftingacademy.com/simply-looking-mirror-brings-tears-eyes-vanessas-journey-obese-athlete/

Ya’ll, my coaches asked me to write a guest blog for their super popular blog portion of their website known as Weightlifting Academy and I never dreamed people would respond so kindly. Thanks for all the support and kind words about my journey, it’s much appreciated. So go check out my write up and let me know what you think!  

all the adventures.

So, it's been a second since my last post. I moved over to a weebly account but I kind of hate that website and I miss the ease of use on blogspot. So now we here, again.

I survived my trip to the north, I act like I went to space. It was such an adventure. The airports were huge (with the exception of Asheville) and I experienced a lot of firsts. I finally got to spend some quality time with Kirsten and Ali, and I got to meet Taylor. Saturday night at the hotel felt like we were old friends. It was seriously one of the coolest things because it's amazing to be around people who make you feel so comfortable, and we were laughing (all riding sugar highs from the cheesecake and various other sweets) and it was in the top 8 best nights of my life. The show was a whole new beast too, I'd never watched a competition live, I've seen hundreds from the world of instagram but that doesn't really count. I got sick before finals because the smell of spray tans, body odor, vendors having various things for you to try, and it was just something I never want to smell again. Kirsten got fourth, and I am so proud of her! she worked SO hard and it definitely showed. I can't wait to watch her compete again!

I have this mental defect, where I get tattoos with little to no thought beforehand. I, honestly, think WAY more about a haircut than a tattoo and it doesn't make any sense. To me, I'm like....it's just skin. But with my hair I'm like OH GOD WHYYYYYY if I get a bad haircut (which has happened more than I'd care to admit) and it's borderline silly how quickly I'll have a seat in a tattoo parlor. However, I am so proud of these tattoos and I love them so much I could cry. My sister had saved letters Zack had sent from rehab, and so on my right wrist I have "I love you, -Zach" and on my left wrist I have "I love you, -Rebecca." and they are by far my favorite. A little piece of them that I will always have. A reminder that my brother loved me so much and my sister always has my back. Let me be clear though, these hurt like a bitch. Brody has done a couple of tattoos for me and he's my favorite artist. He's a super chill guy and OCD about your tattoo. He redid the outline for my left wrist 3 times because he didn't think it was centered. We were talking about our pets, and he was in the middle of the o and v in "love" and I was like "my dad had a dog named boboFUCK FUCK FUCK" and he had to stop because he was laughing so hard. Brody KEPT going over part of mine and he was right, he was like, I know right now you're like damn hurry up but it'll be worth it. And it was. Check them ouuuut

Wednesday, September 3rd 2014 will be approximately 365 days since my brother passed away. He was 25. I can't even put in to words the heartbreak I felt and feel, and will always feel. When you go to look for someone who isn't there, or you see something that makes you think of that person. I saw a thing on pinterest that says "my memory loves you, it asks about you all the time" and wow, mine does. My memory is a blessing and a curse. I remember the morning he died like it was yesterday. Everything started at 430am-ish and by 530 we knew he was gone. And I was sitting in my grandparents kitchen eating an oatmeal pie, and I was upset because it was still dark outside. I felt like it had been dark forever. I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything. I was making jokes to Kalynn. You know what will never leave my mind, ever? having to call my dad and tell him. I felt like the phone rang forever and when he did pick up, I felt like the words weren't coming. When I heard myself say "Zach died", then I started to cry. Because when you say it out loud, it became real. There are too many questions for me and not enough answers. Was it suicide? was he scared? did he know what was happening? I want to believe that my brother knew exactly how loved he was.  I hope he knows that I would have given anything for him, but right now I wouldn't bring him back if I could. He's not dealing with addiction anymore and he has the peace he so desperately needed. I believe that some people use drugs as a cover up for something you don't have the coping skills to deal with or don't want to deal with. Drugs, alcohol, food, they all can do that. But they're just band-aids over a gaping wound, and until you get some healing for that wound it's always going to be there. I think my heart will always be broken, and I will always wish things had turned out differently. My twin sister was a hero that morning, she did CPR until paramedics arrived when I couldn't do anything but stand there in the kitchen. I wish I could have been as heroic but I don't envy the aftermath of the situation she has to deal with. No one can save you from yourself. My brother succumbed to his addiction, but sometimes what is hard to see is the fact that healing comes in many forms. His demons are conquered and he's finally okay. and I'm left here to pick up the pieces. I'm going to start a tradition. Every year on September 3rd, I'm going to do something for my brother. Be it cook his favorite meal and listen to all his jamz, let balloons go with messages to him, whatever. Something to say that I haven't forgotten about you, and I still miss you. I used to get so damn excited about my birthday, but it's really hard to be excited now. I feel guilty, because I'm like damn my brother is dead YAY I'M 25! I know he would want me to be excited but it just feels so different.

and that my friends is the end of my sob story for today. I'm still lifting as often as I can, 31 kilos is my current snatch PR. I'm not sure about clean and jerks because I just learned to clean like 2 weeks ago and have maybe done it 10 times. I kind of suck at it, and it's not really my favorite thing to do. I think snatching or jerking are tied for #1. Can I also just say that being an adult is way less fun than I'd imagined? Taking care of yourself is exhausting and stressful at times. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, working, whew. But I'm also really proud of myself that I have my own car, my own apartment, a job (even if I dislike it)... and I have 4 wonderful parents who always have my back, and I get to live with my best friend. I think all of the above can be summed up like this.

 Life is rough, but it's still good.

ramblings.

so sometimes I don't blog for a hot second, because life.

so much excitement I don't know where to begin. I got a new car, that's the most important part. a 2014 toyota corolla sport. Black on black and I hate the way new cars smell. Let's all just take a second and thank the heavens that I got a car with AC before the summer was over. Whew.

I'm considering trying intermittent fasting, but I'm not really sure about it. I've read mixed reviews and talked to a few people. I think the majority of the issues that I read about it came from people who were already relatively lean. aka not me. For those of you who don't know (this is my synopsis of I.F.) you pretty much fast for anywhere from 12-24 hours at a time (obviously if you fast 24 hours you don't do it multiple days in a row otherwise what you're doing is called anorexia, not fasting) and then you have a feeding window. I have some questions because some of the research I read was talking about the feeding window being post workout and well, post workout from me varies from 6pm to sometimes 9pm and I'm not trying to be awake at midnight eating God only knows what. If I do try it, I will likely pump the brakes and start with maybe a 12 hour fast first. If you know me at all, once I get an idea I am ALL IN, and I'm incredibly impatient as we've discussed before. But Nessie I thought you were lovin' life on weight watchers? well, I was/am...but let me be clear. I am so sick of counting points. SO. SICK. OF. IT. If I try fasting, I'm not planning on eating all the food during whatever window of time, I'm planning on being smart. I plan on that daily but sometimes things happen. Like a couple weeks ago I wore a dress and cardigan combo to work, and when I got in my car I forgot to take my cardigan off. I was hot, so I decided to take it off at the next red light I came too, well, it took me 3 stops to get it off because I didn't take my seat belt off. I was angry about that, and threw the cardigan more forcefully than I probably should have, forgetting my passenger window was down... and I think we all know where this is going. My precious tiffany blue cardigan went straight out the window. Literally. I laughed out loud and just thought "this is my life."  I say that to say this, I'm trying to be more careful and less extreme. I've lost 14 pounds in about 7 weeks-ish, hell I have a hard time keeping tabs on anything anymore. I still stand by my statement I have adult ADD.  Speaking of ADD, if I don't do some damn cardio, ANY CARDIO, I need someone to come punch me in the liver. Please and thank you.

I booked my flight to Pittsburgh! I'm really, really scared to death about flying. I go from Asheville to Atlanta to Pittsburgh and I am terrified that I'm going to get to Atlanta and not want to get on the flight to Pittsburgh. I HATE heights, so I got isle seats every time and am hoping I will not be the crazy bitch on the plane crying before it even takes off. Let's be honest, I will probably cry on the way to the airport. Crying is what I do when I'm happy, scared, sad, etc. I also wasn't aware that pilots can't really see where they're going. Let me hit you with some cold hard facts. I am not brave, in fact, I almost cried driving to Nashville this weekend. The state of Tennessee thinks doing roadwork on every third mile of 40 west is the best plan of action, and I was stuck on a bridge, a sketchy one no less, that was down to 1 lane on each side and I had to sit in the middle of it while this tractor-trailer pulling another tractor trailer merges over and the bridge was shaking. I could feel it, and my only thought was "I hope the impact from my car hitting the water when this collapses is enough to kill me because I really can't swim" and drowning is in my top 5 worst ways to go, only after being kidnapped, water boarded, lit on fire or shanked in prison. Thankfully, as we all know because I'm here blogging, I survived the great bridge debacle of 2014. I kinda wish I had that on tape, but I couldn't share it because the language I was using was vulgar at best.

Anyways, that's really what's up in the world-o-nessie at the moment. New cars, new diets, same old snark. I also stand by my statement to know me is to love me :)

chasing barbells instead of bikinis.

before anyone gets butthurt, let me just say that I'm very much aware that barbells and bikinis are not mutually exclusive. I don't think Dana Lin Bailey, Nicole Wilkins or Amanda Latona got jacked on bodyweight exercises. I'm not retarded.

If you've known me for any amount of time, the last two years I've spent trying to lose a metric fuck ton of weight. June 9, 2011. Day 1 with Darin, and it's been downhill from there ha, more like an uphill battle. But I've never stopped trying, I've had weeks where I've said this is ridiculous and I've had consults for gastric bypass. I've quit mountain dew cold turkey and I've drank a 2 liter in 2 days again. Hot and cold. Around August-ish of last year, I thought I needed something to work towards. I needed a big goal that I could spend my time working towards. I decided I wanted to compete in a bikini competition, and you can read about that here. That is apparently also the point in which I said fuck weight watchers...but, now we here...again. ha! history repeats itself. Anyways I picked up working with Darin again, got some new workouts and had a little more motivation. I wanted to be that badass, and that dedicated and driven and motivated. But then, life happened and I learned that I wasn't strong enough to follow any sort of real diet or structured training plan. I struggled for months. on. end. Especially after Zach died in September. If you've followed my blog, you've known the last 3-4 months that I've been hot and cold, constantly. Being inconsistent was the only thing I was good at.

I finally decided that it was okay that this sport wasn't for me. That doesn't mean I'm any less awesome because that's not my goal right now. I think the women who compete all have the most amazing willpower and dedication. For me though, I don't think I would ever be able to handle busting my ass for 16+ weeks (52 weeks or more would probably be a more realistic time frame) and then not even placing because the girl next to me was prettier...er, more asthetic is probably a better way to say that. I do better with objective. Oh, you can't snatch 60 kilos? well she can, so she wins. I think that is more my style. I hate cardio and with that being said, I think I've done <1 hour in the last 2 weeks. I also like being able to be flexible with my diet in a way that you can't as a competitor. and by flexible I mean days where I don't give a damn aren't the be all end all of my career. If I fall off the weight watchers wagon and eat at CiCis pizza no one is none the wiser. I think at some point you have to be honest with yourself about your own strengths and if something is wise for you to chase after. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I have an eating disorder. It's not actually specified, so it's EDNOS. The incredibly picky way that I eat, you know, not eating any legitimate vegetables and only certain brands of certain foods, even down to not eating the crusts of sandwiches, reeses, poptarts...I'm not an immortal 3 year old and it's not just because I'd rather have tater tots than carrots (I mean honestly I don't know anyone who would pick carrots over tater tots). It's because carrots have a different taste to me and that taste is bitter and disgusting. I have to play the hand I've been dealt and know that there's a difference in could and should, and also can't and won't. I always try to say "oh you can't get out of bed right now? you physically cannot move your legs? or you won't get out of bed?" and usually...it's more often than not the latter.  Right now it's best that I chase after a barbell more so than a bikini because let's be honest, that may never happen. Olympic lifting gives me something to work towards that (most days) doesn't feel completely impossible. Though it has it's challenges as well, and the biggest one for me right now is being a beginner. Before I say this next sentence, hear me out, I don't brag. One of my friends at work had to speak up in the break room because a coworker was harassing me about trying weight watchers, unbeknownst to her that a)I was already doing the online program and b)I had already lost 95 pounds and c)I have social anxiety like you wouldn't believe so I couldn't tell her to go fly a kite. I just don't feel comfortable being like LOOK WHAT I DID!  Then of course said coworker wanted to see pictures and talk about how I did it. You'd think I'd be okay with that seeing as you know it's hard as fuck to lose a lot of weight and I should be proud of what I've accomplished and I am. to a point. a healthy point, I think. But anyways I say that to say this. I'm incredibly intelligent. I pick up things pretty quickly, I love to read and I have a memory like you wouldn't believe. Problem is none of that has a damn thing to do with weight lifting of any sort. Remembering the price of Christmas tree shaped butter at Wal-Mart, what color shirt Matt had on at my sister's college graduation and what page Edward asks Bella to marry him in Eclipse, all of that doesn't mean jack shit for lifting. So instead I will focus my efforts on becoming better a little at a time. As you all know by now (or should know by now) I've been working on said Olympic lifting at a pretty damn awesome place known as Asheville Strength with some pretty damn awesome people, who have some of the funniest one liners I've ever heard. Tamara plays youtube videos of goats making noises between sets, and everyone has an answer for everything. It's just an all around cool place, and Tamara has a blog and this post spoke volumes to me and how I look at things.

so on that note, me and my bruised and brutally sore legs are going to study psychiatric diagnosis coding and rest. Nessie goes to Nashville happens (again) next week, so if you're not following me on instagram, you'll miss that shit show. Also I'm flying to Pittsburgh in August, and I'm already anxious. So let the adventures begin, ole! that's Spanish. I'm bilingual, if you didn't know.

and also a smart ass, if you didn't catch that last bit ;)

drum roll please...

Drum roll please. This is about to get good.

 

Just kidding, there really isn’t anything life altering in this blog…is there ever? Ha. Like I’ve said since day 1. If you’re here for the endless amount of factual, research driven information that I’m spewing out on the weekly, clearly you’ve took a hit of meth before you typed in that URL or clicked that link I’m incessantly posting on Facebook and the Instagram.

 

In 4 weeks of weight watchers (with I would say 75% adherence) I’ve lost 8.3 pounds. I wish that decimal wasn’t there. ha, no, that’s actually really good for me and roughly 2 pounds a week which is normal/healthy weight loss. And this month has flown by. I got a little lazy the past week or so, I haven't tracked and tried to keep a mental tab in my head which, math is for sure my worst subject so I don't know why I even tried that. But I'm only up .4 so I don't really care. My pants still fit, a little better than 2 months ago actually, so I'm cool with that.

  

I went to Crossfit ladies night with Tamera and Maggie, and I don't really know that I have a lot of words for it. Crossfits have a smell to them and if you've ever been in one, you know what I'm saying. It's a very distinct smell, I think a lot like the smell of bad decisions. I jest, I mean you all know how I am about doing whatever you want. I think you should do what makes you happy but I'm beginning to be a hater, as far as crossfit goes. I think there has to be a certain limit like you physically can not do something and you shouldn't do multiple reps of complex movements like snatches. That is legit hard work, you need to have control of this barbell kind of stuff, not like bicep curls where if you fuck up you can drop the weight whenever you feel like it. I get the idea behind it (I think) but I also know from first hand experience that bad coaching can get you an injury real quick and it's hard for me to say no to a pushy coach, or I feel like I have to do something because everyone else is. I kind of felt weird at this crossfit, like there's a culture about it that can either be inviting or intimidating and I was 50/50 on the whole situation. I also went and watched my first ever Olympic lifting meet. It was unsanctioned at Asheville Strength and it was pretty damn cool, if I do say so myself. I'm super bad at math, like SUPER bad so the whole "kilos" thing makes me want to die. But nonetheless it was really fun to watch and hopefully one day I'll get to that point.

I'm also going to address this,

 

I had typed up the biggest rant in the world about this picture and the responses to this I've seen all over Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. I talked about discrimination and people being bitches, basically. This is what I will say. I think it's incredibly asinine for people to say that her education is somehow less valid because she is overweight. Her weight doesn't have a damn thing to do with her credentials or how well she does her job. I also highly doubt that this woman took that picture herself, made that little sign and stuck them up all across grocery stores in America. I think she was probably asked a leading question like "if you had to choose something to help a craving for sweets, what would you pick" and she said, WAIT FOR IT, dark chocolate *cue the end of the world.* ....... oh...we're still here? GREAT. That means an overweight dietitian suggesting people eat dark chocolate isn't the end of the fucking world as we know it. If you don't like it, don't eat it. End of story. I hate dark chocolate, it's the equivalent of a vegetable for me. I will never understand why this woman is being crucified on social media for essentially being like 68% of the American population, overweight or obese. I will never understand why anyone thinks they have the right to judge her because she's an overweight dietitian. There are plenty of overweight doctors, nurses, lawyers, insurance salespeople, dog groomers, mailmen, EMTs, Wal-Mart greeters and the like. No one is questioning them about how they do their job or making ugly memes about them, hating someone because they're fat doesn't make you any more valuable to the human race. In fact in my humble opinion it makes you a discriminatory asshat. Her intelligence is not and should not be tied in to a number on the scale. Pants sizes and IQs are not inversely proportionate to one another, if you didn't know. What if she started losing weight and then decided she wanted to become an RD to help other people struggling with the same issue and hasn't completely met her goal yet? she shouldn't be allowed to use the combination of formal education and her own personal experience until she's at an arbitrary number on the scale that is a)different for everyone and b)also has to do with your goals? OR is it okay for people to judge her because her because they think it "comes with the territory" because she's working in the health field and is overweight? It's never okay to judge someone based on their looks, period. End of discussion. But what if that lady in the picture has an eating disorder? thyroid problems? what if she had an organ transplant and the medicine she takes makes her gain weight? what if she works with people with renal disease or another medical problem that requires a special diet? RD's don't ONLY work with weight loss clients. I don't think there would be nearly as much uproar if she wasn't smaller and I find that unacceptable. I'm going to stop myself there. /end rant.

Do yall remember that dude on that ABC show "world news tonight"? I think his name was like Peter Jennings, and he always said something to the effect of "that's it for world news tonight, I'm Peter Jennings. Have a great evening" or something. Maybe I'll start a current events section on this blog but it would mostly be more like current events in the world/social media that are pissing me off and then have a cute little ending like that. potato/tomato. But that's it for this week. I'm off to drink a protein shake and eat some eggos because #chemicals. Then, go ahead and put your shocked faces on, remember how I constantly and consistently bitched about squats on the daily? well, I'm going to a squat seminar today at noon! voluntarily. with some excitement. Though I am almost 98% sure I will never go to a push-up seminar. I also doubt there is a need for one of those, but again, I digress. The point is, I'm off to get some nomz in my belly.

being a beginner.

One day my life will settle down and there will be no need for this blog...

but you know what, I hope that doesn't happen anytime soon. because I'm having FUN now.

problem #1 my hands are straight prison jacked. they're cut up like a bad kilo of cocaine on a blue light special. see what I did there? this is where we at.

So, put on your shocked faces. I did push ups and didn't complain. WHAT. I seriously, I don't even know what's happening to me. I've fallen in LOVE with Olympic lifting and I will do whatever to make it happen. if that means push ups, that's okay. I even did them tonight on my own without someone telling me to. ARE WE IN NARNIA? we must be somewhere magical because that is a miracle in and of itself. I was actually just too scared to complain hahahaha.  I've been lifting at Asheville Strength and it's pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. I'm still in my "deer in the headlights" stage of getting to know people. I probably look terrified the whole time but what I love is that it's fun. There's no group workout, you just show up, do your work, have fun and leave. I did my very first prowler pushes yesterday, I also learned to snatch, not crossfit style. 2 hours there doesn't feel ANYTHING like 2 hours at The Rush. 45 minutes there and I'm DONE. The best part? how I feel when I leave Asheville Strength. Like I've accomplished something and I have a goal in mind and it's actually attainable in not 100 years. I think so, at least. Some days I get a little/lot miffed that I've let myself backslide so much and then I remember that I'm human, and this does. not. end. with a number on a scale. When I see 150 (I'm just throwing out numbers) that doesn't mean it's back to mountain dews and poptarts. Maintenance is a whole new beast. I'm just really, really happy with the way things are going right now. Today was weigh in, and I lost 1.4 pounds, bringing me up to minus 8 in 3 weeks, which is pretty good. I even had a few bad days, and by bad days I mean not so good dinners, but 1 meal doesn't make or break you...for me, at least. One of the hardest things I'm dealing with right now is letting myself be a beginner. I don't know everything and I won't know everything. Being a beginner is rough, because I feel like no one else at the gym is even half as bad as me right now, but I kept telling myself last night. Is it anyone else's 2nd night? just you? OKAY. CHILL OUT. No one is expecting Holly Mangold. Chill. the. fuck. out. I feel like such an uncoordinated jackass, and I need to work on aggression...and well, if you know me, aggression is the last thing I think you would see from me. It's just not my thing, at all, ever.

I will say this. I am sore as FUCK. My traps, abs, shoulders and calves feel like they're going to FALL OFF. I get on edge when someone even gets close to touching my traps at the moment. Stand too close to me at work and see how fast I move away from you. I'm really being a huge baby, but seriously. Snatches are the only thing that's hit them that hard. I have some mobility work to do tonight and well, I'm blogging right now. haha, I just know a lacrosse ball anywhere near my shoulders/traps/calves is going to be a real treat.

Anyways, I'm off to a hot Epsom salt bath with watermelon bubble bath in it because well, I'm 18 I do what I want. and by 18 I mean almost 25. Damn. I'm getting old. But that's all for this episode of wow, it's almost been 2 years and she's still blogging and I'm still reading. So who's the real winner here? I'll let you decide :)

hard to follow.

I just feel like talking right now, and this is the best way I know how. I do better writing than I do verbally. so here goes. it may be a longer post than usual and it may be hard to follow, but like I've said for the last almost two years. my mouth, my blog, my rules.

I was talking to Kirsten earlier this week about how much has changed. like, where I was at the beginning and where I am now. night and day. It's SO easy for me to be hard on myself and say that I got to -107 pounds then started fucking up and gained roughly a total of 20 pounds back. Well guess what, there's also this thing called life. My brother died (yes I'm still singing that song) and my world got shook up. It's weird because it's like because he was my brother I didn't see what everyone else saw. I didn't think the statistics applied to him. He was an addict, and I KNOW drugs kill people. But it was like everyone but him. He was always the exception to the rule, but he really wasn't. Addiction ends in 1 of 3 ways, sobriety, prison or death and I think I knew subconsciously that sobriety wasn't going to happen. I stopped counting Tuesdays. I noticed that yesterday. Every week since he died I would think "it's been 10 Tuesdays since I've seen him", that kind of thing. But I also realized that he wouldn't want me to be sad every fucking Tuesday for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt because believe me. losing a sibling is a pain you feel in the depths of your soul, but it just means that I'm moving on a little. I don't know if that's the best way to say it. More like maybe healing a little. It wasn't a little thing, and it took a while for me to really, truly realize that he's gone and I honestly don't think I still completely have. I have my regrets, but I also know that my brother did and would have forgiven me for anything and always wanted me to be happy, no matter what it meant. SO, I will spend the rest of my life learning to be happy missing a piece of my heart.

Anyways, today marks 1 week and 3 days of weight watchers. I've stuck to everything 95%, and I feel good about it. That's the first time that has happened since September. I got to the gym a couple times, did I do everything I should have? maybe not. Did I sweat for at least half an hour, and enjoy myself? absolutely. I'm having a hard time trusting that weight watchers will work, and that I will work. I try to remind myself constantly that it's better to be 100% consistent with a few little things, then add to that little by little rather than doing 5 HUGE things 50 percent of the time. I'm still using a lot of what Darin taught me and what I've learned and researched over the last two years. Like I use 3 points for a protein shake post workout and fruit is 0 points, so I eat a banana or some pineapple and keep it as close to 0 grams of fat as possible. I also noticed today when I was grocery shopping that a lot of my food was the same stuff I was buying when I was IIFYM'ing/meal planning/whatever. I get a little more freedom at the moment with weight watchers because I get a metric fuck ton of points on the daily but I've actually eaten most of them. I honestly think the points I get would equal out to roughly the same macros I got from Darin. Instead, I just keep track of 1 number and get a little extra flexibility in the fruit department. I'm supposed to weigh in tomorrow and I'm getting weird about it. Like I want to push it back a day because I used some of my weekly cheat points on some Chinese food and know I'm holding water and the scale will reflect that. I lost my "who gives a fuck" attitude, but I'm trying to remain calm. I just need to get back my weight loss game, even though I really already have. I've gotten my water in, tracked my food and got some workouts. IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER. Maybe not tomorrow morning, but eventually. I turned down papa john's pizza tonight because I had my Chinese last night. I don't feel deprived, papa john's is not going out of business and it won't be the last time I can eat pizza. I'm choosing to stay within my points and guidelines I've set for myself because it matters, and I would rather eat what I'm supposed to and NOT feel super guilty in half an hour than spend the rest of the evening wallowing in my fat girl guilt that once again I couldn't turn down pizza. Can't or won't? let that sink in for a minute.

I went to the gym today and did an old shoulders/bicep workout from back in August that Darin had written up, still just as kick ass as I remember. Especially all the lateral raises, good thing I love those or it would have been a rough day. I also ran half a mile, I probably would have sucked it up and continued but I am SO self-conscious about how loud I am when I run. It doesn't really matter, and I shouldn't care but I do. I ended up doing the biceps portion of that workout in the "ladyz" room at the rush because there were SO MANY freakin people there and once I noticed how many, I got antsy and had to go somewhere else.

speaking of the gym and going somewhere else. I went to zumba Saturday morning because Alan is my favorite instructor, and I was walking out and happen to see something that made my head spin. I understand that different things motivate different people. I really, really do. BUT, I walked out of the class to see a "fit coach" literally, legitimately screaming "I said come on" to this woman who looked like she was about to cry/pass out/throw up. I couldn't stop myself from talking to the manager, I just can't handle shit like that. If she had taken that yelling and cranked out a few more reps, I would have went on about my business but she physically looked sick. I don't know if homeboy had seen a few too many episodes of the biggest loser or what, but you are not bob harper and this is not a game show, this is her life and instead of yelling and embarrassing her how about some encouragement? shit like that just bothers me. Especially because she's PAYING for that. The manager said that it's always outsiders reporting this dude, never his clients. probably because they're scared they're going to get punched in the face or something equally violent. If I see this lady again I'm probably going to talk to her about it, mostly because I'm curious and I am honestly concerned. these are the things that keep me up at night.

anyways, that's my weekly rambling. I'm working on an epic video for next week full of stuff that never made it to my last video and things that you probably don't need to know. STAY TUNED.

and the surprises just keep coming. and some pictures.

how much can change in the course of a week?

let me just tell you.

whew. it's been a week. First things first, I rejoined weight watchers and today is day 4 of adherence which is legit a new record for me. I'm 6.6 pounds down (water weight) and weight watchers gave me MORE points to eat because they want to slow my weight loss. No thank you, I adjusted it back down to what it was. Mostly because I'm not going to lose 6 pounds next week. I'm not retarded. But anyways usually after 2 days of decency, I get a case of the fuck its. But I've been eating what I want, just either halving it to make it fit my points or changing around other meals. I'm likely going to be shot in the head at some point for this next statement but IIFYM and Weight Watchers have a LOT in common. Like you legitimately can eat what you want as long as you can make the numbers work. nothing is off limits, except get this. I bought this box of pasta salad like months ago and Rebecca and I were going through the cabinets taking inventory....ONE serving of this hidden valley ranch pasta salad TAKING YOUR JUDGING FACES OFF, has 56 POINTS. FIFTY. FUCKING. SIX. I mean granted it's made with milk, mayo and some ranch seasoning and I bet it's absolutely delish, it has 80 grams of fat in LESS than 1 cup of it prepared as directed. So needless to say it's going elsewhere that is not my belly. I can't fit that in my points but I couldn't fit that in my macros either. Weight watchers lets you off the hook with the carbs in fruit and stuff, but I'm also not eating 10 bananas a day either. I don't love bananas anymore, I gagged on one. Mine basically have to be green for me to eat them, ripe bananas (every time I have to type that I sing the "this shit is bananas, b a n a n a s" song from Gwen Stefani, that I don't remember the name of so I remember how to spell it). And I've gotten a gallon in,4 days in a row. I just decided that I'm giving weight watchers a LEGIT 4 weeks of effort. period. I don't give anything enough time to work because I'm SO impatient. So there's that.

and there's the fact that I enrolled in the AAPC CPC course. American Association of Professional Coders, Certified Professional Coder.

I have to get all this knowledge

in my weee little brain. Ha! just kidding, 3 of those massive books (ICDM9, CPT and HCPCS 2) get to go to the test with me because they're legit just pages of numbers in size 5 font.

 

 

and this is like a legit class format. I haven't taken a college class in a few years, because I'm not super good at that. I thought this would be my like ACSM CPT stuff, where you study on your own then take the test. NOPE. I have a "teacher" who I have to email to grade my chapter work then take the chapter test and you have 2 attempts on everything to make a 70. On the chapter test, if you dont make a 70 you have one more attempt then you basically have to appeal and ask for a redo. Let's all hope that doesn't happen to me. So far so good though, I think my overall average is a 97 but it's just insurance basics, anatomy and medical terminology..aka everything I've learned being a CNA and working at the hospital the last 5 years. Its a 16 week class, and I'm 1 week in and on chapter 3, so here's to being off to a good start.

 

I'm also on my own at the moment as far as workouts go. I put things on hold with Darin for a few weeks. I wasn't doing anything like I should be (DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR) and it was just not gonna get any better. you know what? maybe it's time for me to be on my own for a bit. Darin cant be telling me what to do on the weekly for the next 60 years. I mean, at some point I have to be responsible and I have to live with the choices I make. So, if in 4 weeks I've crashed and burned (I'm 50/50 on the whole situation at the moment) we'll go from there. I have the rest of my life to get good at all this and right now I'm just trying to get back to a place where following any kind of plan isn't so foreign. I'm treating every day like it's the first day. and so far, so good. The decent method you follow is better than the perfect method you quit.

 

Where do I go from here? wherever the fuck I want. I've been at this for almost 2 years and I've done way too much work and spent entirely too much time, money, effort and sweat to go back to where I started. fuck that. I'm actually beginning to like me. So no more back sliding. I've spent the last 7 months in a constant backslide.

 

I started here.

 

 

 

 Now we here. baby traps. and new glasses and hair and a tank top. AND I'M AT THE GYM.

 

I think there's about 85 pounds of difference in those two pictures, as far as weight goes. My plan is to lose all the weight and get all the muscles and do all the things. Errthang I want. Right now, that means I'm off to do a leg workout, go to the grocery store and some homework.

 

there's your monthly dose of weird pictures and cussing.

 

you. are. welcome.

 

 





 

 

I'm still hereee

so it's been a minute longer than I thought. whoops. I'm still alive and kickin.

but i'm back.

and not in video form. that is kinda a pain in my ass and I ramble a lot more on video and I have no earthly idea how to edit them on this HP. so, we go back to using our pequino ojos to read this literary masterpiece. I know you all missed me.

I work in a pretty large building with the majority of my coworkers being women. That being said, someone somewhere in the building is always on a diet. and talking about a diet. Until you get to know me, it's pretty safe to say I'm (fairly) shy and quiet and I always think you should listen any chance you get. Everyone has something important to say (if it is true, relevant to you, or you agree with it is a whole different story) and people will always tell you more than they want you to know. Always. So, I overhear a lot of what people do in order to lose weight. Cleary I am not one to judge, but it's so hard for me not to just yell PLEASE DONT to people. "I don't really care how much fat is in this salad dressing, just about the calories", "I'm eating 1100 calories a day and have lost 8 pounds in 5 days", "i'm only eating cabbage soup", "I don't eat carbs.". I'm not a know it all by nature (okay maybe), and I certainly don't know everything about nutrition but I'll tell you what I have learned. If you don't like it, you're not going to keep it up. If it's super restrictive, good luck maintaining your weight loss. If you cut out carbs completely, Jesus take the wheel. Carbs are the limiting energy substrate, and you start to feel like shit, I assume at least for the first few weeks. I know some people function okay like that. From what I know of the paleo diet, I think it's pretty low carb (don't quote me on that) but I don't think I'm running on too much of a carb deficit (actually according to myfitnesspal I KNOW I'm not) at the moment so I'm fine. Actually, today I just completely said fuck it and didn't even put forth an effort and my numbers have plummeted. I'm usually around at least 125 of protein (today I've had 48), 140 carbs (today I've had 195) and 60 fat (today I've 38)...I think we all know where those carbs came from. lime green liquid. But anyways, I'm not here to confess my sins as I am not catholic nor do I want to be. I just am finding it harder and harder to keep my trap shut when I hear this ridiculous stuff because I don't understand how it doesn't sound ridiculous to anyone else. There is more to food than calories. I learned that the hard way, and it's okay because I learned it. I guess everyone has to do their own thing and find what works for them, I'm just saying I have to grit my teeth often.

anyways, on somewhat of the same note, let's talk about something else. 2 years in June. I've been going to the gym somewhat, like 80 percent consistently for 2 freakin years. what. If you had asked me when I first started where I thought I would be in 2 years, I would have said 125lbs and perfect. HA. First of all my dead, lifeless, dehydrated body will likely not weigh 125lbs. I'm almost 6 feet tall. Second of all, I would look emaciated. aka not attractive/healthy. I've pretty much lost around 30 pounds this year (june 13- june 14), and to be honest while I'm a little pissed, I'm okay with that too because a lot has happened in the last year. #1 being my brother died, and that will shake you up a bit, and I've moved out and gotten a new job. Life happened. I also have gotten a little more muscles and gotten better at a few things. Still no push ups, and likely there will never be a push up done ever again if I have anything to do with it. I can deadlift 185 two times, I still can't bench much more than the bar, and I learned to back squat (thanks Kevin!) and front squat, I tried crossfit again and almost died (again), I mean there's still a lot to be proud of. Mostly that I haven't just said fuck it completely, which some days I feel like doing. I just should probably calm down. There are two days in your life you can't do anything about. Yesterday and tomorrow. So my focus is on doing what I can today, and we'll see how that goes.

So, I think we all know once I get on something, I get carried away and currently it's mobility. WEIRD. Because usually I could give a fuck less about stretching and all that jazz. I'm just being honest. But anyways, I found this dude named Kelly Starrett (I think) the guy that does MobilityWOD videos) and my right shoulder has been killing me lately and I don't know why, so i'm all up on that. I bought some tennis balls and a lacrosse ball, and that shit is no joke btw. I act like now i'm a physical therapist and know everything and have all this crazy shit i'm trying to do to fix it. Like I know what the hell I'm doing. ha. but today I was trying to sit up straight at work because I sit in some WEIRD positions at work because I sit all day at my desk (and walk to the printer like 200 times an hour....maybe like 2 times in reality) but anyways, I sat up straight for like 3 minutes and was like. WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK. I can't function like that. I usually sit with one of my legs under me, leaning forward on my left elbow looking up at my computer screens. That's basically yoga. that's what it counts as, I've decided. But anyways, that's what I'm focused on right now. we'll see how long that lasts. ha. if I could get focused on cardio I'd be golden. I'm still trying to swim and i'm actually getting a little better at it. I can swim like half a lap before I feel like dying.

Anyways, that's where we at right now. I bought a jar of nutella and that was probably the worst idea I've ever had because now I just want to eat it by the spoonful every time I go in the kitchen. I need there to be a rule, like anything you eat after 7pm doesn't count. Like a black hole for macros. But alas, I guess until I figure out how to make a black hole, I'm out of luck. I need new music for my gym playlist so if anyone has any suggestions FEEL FREE TO LEAVE THEM. Because I am so sick of what I have on my "lift all the things!" playlist on spotify.

with that, I'm off to go see the wizard. Just kidding, I'm going over to Pam's tonight. and avoiding this jar of nutella like the plague. I don't know why I bought it. really. ANYWAYS. bye.

something new.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNWElOtAZCk&feature=youtu.be

 

know what this is?

my first video blog.

 

you. are. welcome.

 

once upon a time, nothing I said made sense.

is there a thing as too much information? maybe. hell I don't know how much you all want to know. Because it's like I'm writing an email to an imaginary audience. so. again I say hi. hello. heller. bonjour. hola.

welcome back to the shit show I call my life. if this doesn't make sense, well, just forget you wasted 10 minutes of your life reading and go on about your day. it's fine.

but actually this week has not been so much a shit show, these last 4 days have been absolutely bangin for my diet and workouts. Except I ate a twix bar yesterday and didn't log it because, as you're about to learn, it's shark week. if you don't know what that means, well, you can go ahead and leave now. Also you know what the nutrition label on a twix wont tell you? how many fucks I didn't give about eating it. I also decided to weigh myself. My incredibly nice landlord didn't ask me any questions when I got my scale back. You know what a horrible idea it is to weigh yourself for the first time in 3 weeks-ish when it's that time? I have a bear in the woods near my house, and he tore up my trashcan (I hope the city of Asheville knows that's not my responsibility) and I think it might have been better for me to go fight him bare handed (see what I did there). I actually feel like I could right now because I am literally so crazy right now. Though, this was way before shark week, it's literally a miracle I haven't gotten shot yet, because I was going to walmart to get some food (like any good ashevillian would do) and this lady whips her car in front of me, pulls 100mph in to a handicapped space and gets out and might as well have been doing walking lunges in to the store and my window was down, and before I stopped myself I yelled "IS IT MENTAL?!" because really, I'm a bitch and I'm going to get shot one day. I also followed a lady on a huffy like 1/4 a mile down Hendersonville road with my horn blaring because she was literally, at FIVE PM ON THE BUSIEST PART OF THE ROAD, riding a HUFFY in the middle of the road. I'm in a Huyndai Santa Fe, I don't know if she knows or not but in "car vs bike" CAR ALWAYS WINS.  I just hate people so much and I know people hate me. It's inevitable. I have to get my transmission flushed on Saturday (I feel like I'm flushing like 100 dollars down the shitter) and I just bought the Florida Georgia Line CD I've been buying 1 song at a time.  Some things never change.

Anyways, back to the real story. Sans the twix bar yesterday, I've done really well. Macros tracked, and I've pretty much stayed on track. Problem is, I get SO paranoid about not having "enough" left for dinner, I live off poverty macros at work and pre-workout. Like 600 calories from 7a to 6p. Then I end up having a organized binge for dinner. I'm trying to work on that. Darin changed all my workouts because I think I have ADD. I focus so hard at work trying to learn all this insurance stuff and allscripts and when I leave work my brain is fried, so anything that requires any kind of thought it like asking me to solve a rubix cube. Like in a reply to one of my emails, Darin wrote "sonofa" and I seriously racked my brain for a good 5 minutes trying to figure out what that word was and then I laughed out loud when I realized he meant "son of a".......that's the level I was on when I left work today. You know how "two chainz" name is "two chainz"? well other than "lay-z", I refer to myself as "too tired" most days.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn’t so weird. Don’t lie, I see the world differently than most people do I mean if I didn't would there really be a need for this blog?  I wonder if Darin knew what he knows now, if he would still take me on as a client, because I’m sure he didn’t plan on dealing with this level of crazy for almost 2 years now. Which. What. I mean, I’ve only lost like 100 pounds-ish in two years-ish but that’s life. I didn’t gain 100 pounds and I’m sure as shit a lot smarter than I was 2 years ago about what I’m doing. I’ve lost 12 pants sizes and 3 shirt sizes. I would do a from then to now comparison with my pants but a few months ago there was a fire that destroyed this lady’s home (I didn’t know her personally, my friend Jocelyn was the go-between) and she happened to need the size pants I used to wear, so I gave them all away.  

 

Anyways, these blogs never really go in any direction other than everywhere, but that's what's on my mind at the moment. that and what I'm going to eat for dinner. I would pretty much kill a bus full of blind orphans on the way to church for some Chinese food right now. but alas, I will not become a serial killer tonight, unless my neighbor doesn't shut her barking dog up. I might feed it to the bear that's around here somewhere. I'm a horrible human being this week. maybe next week will be better. who knows..

 

and everyone lived happily ever after and drank all the mountain dew in the world, ate all the strawberry frosted poptarts they could ever imagine and never had to do a bit of cardio. and everyone lived skinnily I mean healthily every after amen.

 

KBYE.