New Years is upon us. Kind of.

so. it's about that time. I haven't had a truly bad day at the gym in a long, long time. In fact, I rather enjoy myself these days. I guess the universe owed me one.

Before I get to the real point. The rush is promoting shit left and right about new year new you and all that jazz and it pisses me off. Making people think that being a "new you" is as easy and simple as joining a gym is ridiculous. It's hard fucking work and the "old you" is right around the corner with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and mountain Dews at every turn. It takes a hell of a lot more than paying them 30 dollars a month to be a "new you" so stick that in your pipe and smoke it Larry Gurney. 

 

I decided that I was going to try the step class at the rush, after I did my shoulders/quads/conditioning workout and that would be my cardio. Made it through my workout and hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and then went to step. Made it 32 minutes in and then had to leave. I couldn't do it. It was the biggest fucking mess I've ever participated in and I was getting sick to my stomach. I think a)I decided to take on too much and b)I didn't eat enough or I ate too much. STORY OF MY LIFE. Then I sat in my car and had a nice cry after I got protein powder all over my car and myself. I am just so frustrated right now. In the last 4 weeks I've gained roughly 10 pounds and you know what's weird? I don't give a shit. why? because my pants still fit just like they did 4 weeks ago, I don't feel like I've gained any weight and I don't see it in the mirror. The ONLY place I see it is on the scale. Legit, and I'm so over a piece of metal dictating how I feel for the day. enough. It's only taken 18 months for me to figure that out. While I'm bitching, I wish I was a normal human. I wish I had never gained all this weight to lose, and I just wish I could eat oreos and lose weight. It's been an off day, except I've eaten really well today...except temptation to eat the worlds shittiest foods is everywhere.  I've lost 100 pounds, and I am literally changing my life and I'll be the first to tell you, that shit is hard. real hard. Because here I am eating egg whites and turkey sausage and there is pizza and chips to be had at my house.

 

but, in turn, there are pants sizes to be lost and muscles to be flexed. I have worked so hard these last 18 months and if I give up now, I'm just gonna gain the weight back and have to start all over again. So the conclusion that I've come to is this. I forgive myself. I place such high expectations on myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. I hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and my first thought wasn't "hot damn ness, you did good!" it was "took you long enough". While I do have high expectations and lofty goals, I am a human being. I mess up, I skip cardio, I sleep too much, don't drink enough water, and numerous other things but I do a lot of things well. I try new classes when at this time last year, I wouldn't have ever thought about going to step. I make an honest effort to do better when I mess up and I can laugh at myself. One of my resolutions is to chill the fuck out, honestly. I'm the most anxious person in the world and a LOT of that is because I care so much about what other people are thinking about me, and if I could hear what the people I'm so concerned about were thinking, it likely wouldn't even be about me. I have this weird anxiety at the rush about taking up a squat rack to, put on your shocked faces, squat. I feel like because I'm just using the bar and maybe 10s, that I shouldn't even be using it and that doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I pay my membership dues every month, which entitles me to use of it just as much as it does the dude squatting like 49 different plates on each side...oh, and how do you get to use 49 different plates? you start with the bar.

 

anyways, my  news years/long term goals are as follows.

1. chill the fuck out. this is priority number one.

2. lose 80 pounds. somewhat a lofty goal, but I feel like I can do that.

3. get my trainer cert OR my zumba instructor cert. if I use it or not is another thing but I NEED to finish something I start.

4. cut out the mountain dew, permanently. I feel like this is gonna be a lifelong resolution.

5. stretch 4 times a week. because 0 times a week is my current schedule. shame on me.

 

anywho, there you have it. I'm going to do those things this year and I'm going to do them well. I also want to make 5 new friends. I feel like it's weird to say that and put a number on that kind of thing, but I do. Don't ask me what I'm going to do to make that happen because I don't know, but it will happen. even if I have to buy 5 new friends from Russia. mail order brides are a thing, so I bet mail order friends are too. I'll google that and report back later this week.

A good deal and a not so good deal.

Merry Christmas ya'll. Santa/mom was excellent to me this year and brought me a hot pink 6 pack bag and the urban decay naked 3 pallet. And all God's children say amen, I can finally pack my lunch efficiently and wear eye shadow that doesn't crease like a mofo in 3 hours at the same time. #hotmess.

 

I was thinking of starting to write reviews on stuff I use on the daily. I mean, I wish I had someone like me to tell me what they thought of stuff BEFORE they buy it. Because God knows I rarely use things for their intended purpose or hold back on what I think something tastes like. Like today I bought some Dymatize cinnamon bun protein (2 pounds for 23 dollars is a pretty good deal) and it is SO freakin good. I can and likely will drink it for thirst. It mixes a hell of a lot better than the gaspari nutrition PB cookie dough flavor I have. The only thing I hate about buying protein powder is that you're kind of committed to the flavor once you buy it. I'm not great with commitment if we haven't figured that out yet.

 

It wouldn't be a real blog without a rant, yeah? well can I just say that I'm a fan of knowing what you're talking about (for the most part) and understanding that everyone can't follow the same diet plan and get the same results? this girl I follow on instagram who has no nothing (and I know that's a like a double negitive but shut your traps) is charging like 30$ a pop for a 1300 calorie a day "meal plan".....I'm sorry, what? first of all, just no. second of all, how was any of this determined? did you just pick 1300 calories out of a stinkin slot machine? what if someone has diabetes? or kidney problems? I just don't understand why anyone would be like this is a GREAT idea, this girl I don't even know from Adam who has no official/legit education is gonna give me a copy of a 1300 calorie diet she found off the google for 30 dollars and I'm going to look like Miley Cyrus in a month. clearly people love wasting time, money and effort. I'm just not down with that get down. I know a good deal when I see one (see the protein powder in my kitchen) and I know a not so good deal when I see it too. I'm sly like that. 

 

anywho.  

 

when your trainer texts you and says "please bring your inhaler", that's a sure sign that you're likely going to die.

 

as always though, I'm the exception not the rule. I didn't die but I wasn't sure I was going to blow groceries all over the rower. What did we do? to "warm up" we (and by we I mean I) did a butt ton of walking lunges forwards, then backwards, then a bunch of hip thrusts, then repeat that once more. Then...drum roll pleaseee.....fight gone bad. For those of you who may not know, that's a crossfit benchmark WOD. It's a 5 minute AMRAP (as may reps as possible), you have 5 stations. Thrusters, sumo deadlift high pull, box jumps, push press and rowing for calories. The clock starts, and doesn't stop until 5 minutes are up...meaning the transition time also counts. After the first round I was kinda like um wow. I can't decide if this is fun or I'm just retarded. Then after the second round I thought, I'm going to die in this gym and then Kevin is gonna have to call my mom. unlucky for him. Then after the third round, after he called time when I was rowing, I put my head in my hands because I wasn't sure I was going to vomit everything I've ever eaten up. Then after that, we did more lunges. MORE LUNGES. I don't hate them though, it's just A LOT of work. Which obviously is the point but I digress.

 

The next morning I felt like I had been hit by a bus, revived, then said bus has put it in reverse and ran over me again.

 

I've been somewhat okay with food this week surprisingly. I've been playing a game of "make it fit your macros" instead of "If it fits your macros"...MIFYM...it's what you do when you don't get paid for another week and need to eat leftovers but you just bought krissy mae cagney's ebook on meal prep for $16 and got a new six pack bag you can't put chicken mcnugs in it otherwise you'll get crucified by the food police. it's a delicate situation. So I just weighed out some ham, mashed potatoes and 2 deviled eggs and hoped for the best. I mean while it may not be an ideal situation, it's much better than anything I could get elsewhere and it's not the (delicious) chemical shit storm that is McDonalds. Plus if it at the end of the day everything adds up to what it should, I'm okay with that.

 

Today was back/hammies/biceps. Bent over barbell rows are my new favorite thing, those and back squats. I felt like this man next to me was staring, but I couldn't figure out how to get the weights off the bar easily and it was more of a workout than the squats were. Eh. I'll live. One thing about going to a large chain gym is while you see people on the regular, you don't have to communicate with them and there are (usually) just enough people for me to feel anonymous yet not overcrowded. also another delicate situation.

 

I'll tell you what I'm about sick of; this cold as shit weather. I live in a frozen hell. I hate going outside and seeing my breath and getting so cold I feel like I'm going die of hypothermia before I get to my car, I'd much rather sweat my face off in July by the pool. I need to move somewhere the weather is a constant 70-90 degrees, absolutely no natural disasters, up to and including sink holes, tornados, hurricanes, massive wildfires, mudslides or anything of the like, no massive amounts of snow, and minimal rain. If anyone knows where that is, please let me know.

 

I'm writing out 20 goals for next year. I'm not going to call them new years resolutions, because I have January goals and a year is a long time/huge amount of time. I know one of my long term goals is dropping 90 more pounds this year-ish. whaaat? yeah it's called I have work to do and need to stop being lazy sometimes. I would also like to be able to squat more than the bar + 10s on each side and don't ask me how much that is because I don't know. My brain is not functional at the moment, move on.

 

Anyways, shoulders and conditioning and a butt ton of cardio this weekend. I'm so excited. #saidnooneever. get your cardio done during the week when you're supposed to and this wouldn't be a problem #saiddarin. This blog is like the biggest bipolar coaster ever, but it's how things are going for me at the moment. I know it's a mess, but writing is really easy for me and it helps keep me focused sometimes. And all this mess just spews out like hot lava out of a volcano. I'm glad I decided to keep it around, it helps me and you guys get a laugh. win-win.

With that, I'm out. Hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas and kwanza and hannuakah and all the other holidays that may or may not be celebrated during this time of year. I just hope you guys were happy, that's all.

What a week.

Surprise you guys! I blog when I want. And I wanted. 

can we please talk about how Christmas is in less than a week?! I have a lot to talk about this week so get comfortable.

 

Kevin, much like Darin, is under the impression that poptarts aren't the best choice of food. I'm going to start a protest. They have real fruit in them. They can't lie on the box. Don't try to discredit me and my facts I found on the google. if anyone would like to join my protest and by my guess that will be approximately zero of you, let me know. or don't. I can be a single woman protest.

 

I can't decide if I feel like my legs are gonna be super sore or not at all, because there's never a happy medium with me. I have a pretty addictive and impulsive personality I've decided. I'm also really impatient and give in easily to peer pressure. thankfully none of my friends have ever offered me cocaine because given the above mentioned personality traits, well, let's just all thank our lucky stars bizarre is my specialty and only a few select people can stand to be around me for extended periods of time hahaha I am seriously a messtonight. What else is new? After a less than stellar morning, today's workout was much needed. Plank/working with Kevin is a highlight of my week because it's kinda like my "me" time. Weird as that sounds, I don't have to do anything but exercise. No setting anything up, no worrying about how many people are judging, it's simple. And simple is my favorite. I'm beginning to like things I never imagined I would, and I think it's because my legs don't feel so weak. Today was full of front squats, back squats, pistol/one leg squats which are ridiculously hard. Lunges too, and I actually didn't hate them, or the squats...which, WHAT. Read back around this time last year in this hot mess I call a blog and see what my number 1 most hated "I'm gonna kill myself if I have to do another one" exercise was ....squats.  I think push ups have taken the lead on that. On a better note, there were also 44lb kettlebell swings! Kevin gave me an orange one to swing and it was incredibly light and before I thought better of it, I said that. But, easy workouts aren't really workouts. because there is no work involved. Plus 44lbs is a lot for homegirl here.

 

I went to Zumba Tuesday night again and this time brought my precious little Carrie Owensby with me. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole journey and I was excited to knock out an hour of cardio and not feel like such an assclown alone. I finally figured out the warm up song my instructor uses. Timber by pitbull and kesha! And it seems like since I've started zumba again, non-dance cardio seems a lot less fun but the rush teaches the classes at the most sub-optimal times. I get 6pm is good for people who get off work at 5:30 but those of us who get done with work earlier, well, not so much. cry me a river, right?

 

I got some exciting new changes to my workout routine and that's not bullshit. I actually petitioned Darin for a mini-leg day routine because I don't always (and by don't always, I mean rarely ever) do the same thing with Kevin, and I actually like it. Back squats, Romanian deads and leg extensions oh my! that doesn't even work (I was going for the lions/tigers and bears oh my thing) and I don't think I can even do some of that stuff with Kevin but I don't care. I do what I want. One of my goals was a 100lb seated leg extension and I was hanging around 90 for working sets before I started with Kevin, leg day got cut, so I don't know where I am there. Hopefully close. But anyways, back to the real excitement. Now, instead of back and biceps, it's back, biceps and hammies! and by hammies I don't mean I eat ham, I mean hamstrings. and all God's children said amen. Those are my three favorite things. Then I have chest and triceps. My two least favorite. Then shoulders, quads and conditioning. I'm still riding the "no abs" train. Darin says they're in the workouts just not directly and Kevin said he preferred the direct approach. I prefer no approach while I'm throwing information out to the interwebs. I tend to shy away from shit I suck at, and abs and chest exercises would be something a 2 year old could beat me at. I know some people are all like oh, find a weakness and kill it! and I'm all, find a weakness and leave it alone!  

Also this is bothering me. How people choose to eat and be active is THEIR. BUSINESS. Not mine. Don't be the asshole on Instagram eating pie and hashtagging "is this paleo". Here's a hashtag. You're an asshole. How about that? Or if people want to Zumba, body pump, run on the treadmill, crossfit, use the battle ropes for not-their-intended-purpose, I don't give a hot damn. It just drives me crazy when people want to be the exercise or food police of everyone else's life. How about you focus on being the best you that you can be and let everyone else do the same? 

This week was somewhat rough, I'm just really tired haha. And my motivation is kind of lacking. I've been at this 18 months-ish and I've lost 106ish pounds. That's wonderful. But there are people who lose 150lbs in that amount of time. But I'm not them. The internal struggle is real. I'm proud I've lost that much but I also think I shouldn't have been that overweight to have to lose that much. This is my life. But I'm here in this moment in time, and I have things to do. 2014 might be the first year I can wear a bikini. What. That's a strange thought. But we'll seeeeeee. 

 

I'm hoping Santa comes through and brings me a 6 pack bag for Christmas. and by Santa I mean my mom. My wonderful twinsie got me an ipod shuffle for Christmas and couldn't wait to give it to me :) so now, I have no excuse to be distracted during my workout because I can technically lock my phone in a locker and have my music on my ipod......yeahhhh. it's a great idea in theory. I just get anxious being away from my phone, #firstworldproblems. My friends live in my phone. the struggle is real yall. Also, because I get really obsessive over numbers, especially on my heart rate monitor, I went without it tonight. Mostly because I left it at home and didn't have a choice. I have no idea how many calories I burned or how my heart rate was through the workout. I know it was up a couple times because I have this ridiculous habit of holding my breath when I do stuff, especially deadlifts. We did some sumo deads and at the end of the set I thought I was gonna die. I don't know why I do that, it's a terrible habit but breathing and exercising at the same time is hard.

 

Anyways this is my life in a nutshell/essay. I have some Christmas shopping to do and by some, I mean I need to start. Also, if you're looking for more entertainment on a daily basis follow me on instagram if you aren't, or I'll hate you forever. just kidding. kind of. @vkfreeman. 

Oh and merry Christmas y'all! 

 

 

A week of firsts.

So first things first, and most important things first. One of my favorite people on the planet, Jennifer Champion, beasted like legit 40 hours of labor and gave birth to an absolutely perfect baby boy. Logan Nicholas Champion! I even got to hold that beautiful baby Wednesday and it was magical. I just love him already. Congrats Jennifer and Shaun! :)

 

now, for the lesser important things. Like me bitching about how hard my workouts are. I worked with Kevin Thursday afternoon per my usual, and in an hour I burned 691 calories and sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary. whewwwwww. I felt the burn. Everywhere. I felt like we did all the things. No lunges, can I get an amen?! but a butt ton of glute bridges. see what I did there? and barbell hip thrusters can suck it. They're a lot harder than I imagined. I don't know why I thought they would be easy. I don't know why I think a lot of the things I do, but that's the beauty of this blog. You all get to experience the mess that is my mind. Kevin has this way of encouraging you to do more, without being pushy and it's really nice. Like I was down a few minutes(hours) of cardio this week and Kevin told me I was welcome to stay and row if I wanted after, but obviously if I didn't want to that was fine too. I did 1000 meter row in 5:52 and then slowed down and rowed for like 4 more minutes and left plank. 10 minutes I did there is 10 I don't have to worry about later.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnnd I hit a new PR on the stairs on Wednesday! 20 freakin minutes. I almost died.

 

I did Zumba on Tuesday night at the rush, and it might be my new thing on Tuesdays. I really, really, really hate any kind of chest workout, and Tuesday was chest/triceps, and I cranked out the first like 10 bench presses and wanted to die. I decided to get water and come back, and then happened to see Zumba started in about 3 minutes. Sooo. I took some liberties and decided to do Zumba instead and then rearrange my lifting schedule. but I'm also giving myself a learning curve, because I feel like every week something changes with work, my life and then Darin changes things periodically, usually at my request, sometimes not. I'll get everything done...hopefully. I also like to think that I'm somewhat stepping out of my comfort zone. Yes, I've done zumba before...actually around this time last year, and I love it, but I hadn't done it at the rush and walking in to a huge ass group class and joining took my anxiety from like a 2 to 19. BUT, I didn't die, or make a huge ass out of myself (I hope), it was fun and an hour of it burned 680 calories and it was an hour of cardio. I really, really liked the instructor. She was this 5'4 woman who wasn't in perfect shape but she was having a BLAST teaching and she really made it fun. We zumba'd to come and get it by selena gomez, booty werk by tpain and roar by katy perry...and some pitbull song I hate. All that interspersed with some traditional Latin music. I wasn't a fan of that but my heart rate stayed in the mid 160's, and it wasn't slogging it out on an elliptical so I call it a win.

 

I also went to bodypump this morning with Brooke. I've been seeing les mills stuff on my IG and decided to try a class. First of all can we talk about the ridiculousness that was getting up at 7am on Saturday? whew. that was a workout in and of itself. Then we get in the class, and the instructor asks if anyone is new. So we raise our hands, and he immediately tells us to drop the weights on our bars. I use the term bar loosely, as it weighed maybe 5lbs, and Brooke and I had 10s on each side. So we had 25 pounds to work with. We both were like um no and since I'm ridiculously stubborn, I refused to take any of the weight off during anything. I did ALL THE THINGS with at least 25lbs. and now my poor muscles are paying the price because I am already feeling it. It was a fun class, and I like that you do every muscle group in an appropriate order. Except the tricep song, whewww. it was the light 'em up song by fall out boy and light 'em we did. Can I just say fuck a push up in general, but tricep push ups are ridiculous. I did the modified ones and I'm pretty sure my arms are gonna fall off. This week has been all about group fitness classes for me.

All the above on a sketchy right hammie kind of sucked. Especially because we did like no lie 3 minutes of nothing but lunges. Kevin suggested I stretch and foam roll but I'd rather chew on razor blades and swish with running alcohol. I can't be the only person who feels that way but I may get desperate. Especially tomorrow. #help. 

 

I'm considering a small return to crossfit. and by small I mean doing the on-ramp at Pisgah again and then 2 days a week for cardio. maybe. I don't know. I just want something more competitive and something I can get better at. Haters gonna hate, but it really is fun. I don't know though, especially how it would fit in with everything else I have going on. I just like to do all the things, really.

 

Enjoy this cold shitty weather my friends, I'm about to roll up like a burrito and take a little ride to sleepy town before I die of sleep depravation.

 

Story time y'all.

I've been writing this for a while. It's unusual for me to be weirded out by posting blogs. but this one is kinda super personal. I say like this whole blog isn't. It's my story, from beginning to now. I like to write, so I decided it was worth having written down and maybe worth sharing. So no bitching and snark this week, just a story. It's also what one of my english professors calls a "doggy draft" aka a ROUGH, rough draft.  

 

My name is Vanessa, but I rarely answer to that. My friends call me Nessie or Ness, and my family calls me whatever they feel like that day. I started my journey at a whopping 373 pounds. I was on the downhill slide to weighing 400 pounds by the time I was 22. A lot of people will tell you about their "revelation" that something had to change. It was one moment in time where they knew things had to be different. If you continue to read, you'll realize that I am a very different person. I'm not "normal", and I'm learning to be okay with that. So instead of one moment, I had many"aha" moments, but I didn't recognize them at the time. The time I realized that I was 1 size away from being too big for Lane Bryant clothes. The time I broke not only one, but two lawn chairs because I exceeded the weight limit....in public. The time I realized that the seatbelt in my car was entirely too tight, that soon I would need to buy an extender just so I could fit in the car comfortably and safely. Realizing that walking through a couple isles in Walmart winded me. I couldn't walk from the parking lot through the store to get groceries without literally having to find a bench and sit down. Realizing that I was drinking a 2 liter of mountain dew in a twelve hour shift and then another 16 ounce bottle with my dinner, which of course was fast food. All the nights I sat at home crying, wondering what I was going to do, and why no one had ever mentioned my weight to me. All the pictures I saw and didn't even recognize myself, I didn't have a face or a neck. All the clothes I couldn't wear in my room because I had gotten too heavy. When I realized I stopped caring about myself, I realized things had to change. I had just gotten home from a graduation party for three beautiful girls I had went to church with for 7+ years, and I happened to see a picture that I had taken. I cried for almost 4 hours that night alone in my room. Wondering what it was going to take to "fix" this. I had tried countless, and I mean countless diets. The girl in that picture wasn't who I was. I was a wonderful 22 year old woman, who had her whole life ahead of her. I didn't want to be the woman people stared at because she was so big, and I didn't want to have to use a wheelchair to get around because my legs couldn't carry me anymore. I don't remember when I actually developed "a weight problem" because I'd been overweight all my life. I honestly can't tell you the last time I had weighed under 300 pounds, and I don't remember realizing that I was getting so much bigger than the rest of my family. The day that changed my life was any other normal day. I was driving to work, and saw the "O3 Health and Fitness" signed for the 582nd time, and decided to google it when I got to work because maybe it was a new gym that I could try. I had clicked on the "meet the trainers" button or whatever it was called and found a pretty friendly looking face, I mean he didn't look like the devil reincarnated but I couldn't be sure. His name was Darin, and he had his own web site. I clicked it, and read his biography and thought about it for a few days as I drowned my contemplation in chicken nuggets and mountain dew. I decided on a Friday to go ahead and fill out the "consultation request" around 2-3 o'clock ish, figuring it would be a few days before I heard back. It was only a few minutes, and in the "times you can come in" spot, I had written my schedule was flexible, and he had said "lets put your flexibility to the test, can you come in today?" and at that point I wondered what I was doing. I scheduled a consult for Monday at 4:00 I believe, and wow. I worried all weekend, thinking that "Darin" if that was even his real name, was going to likely tell me to go ahead and get a gastric bypass consult set up because he couldn't help shamou. really. OR, on the other extreme, he was going to tell me I needed to workout with him 9 hours a day, 8 days a week and all I would do is run on a treadmill until I threw up. So I think you can imagine how nervous I was before I even left work that day to go talk to the man. I threw up in the parking lot at work before I even left, because I was that nervous. I think it's time I throw a little bit of information in, I have social anxiety, and my anxiety was at it's all time peak when I was at my all time heaviest. I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was so big, that I had to be overly nice to people to make up for being overweight and them having to talk to me. It's a very, very distorted way to view the world and it's a really sad way to view the world. Instead, during what I remember of the consultation, I remember thinking "wow, he's really nice". The rest they say, is history.

 I worked with Darin at least 2 times a week in person (for a few months I paired up with a friend and did 2 days a week with her and 2 solo workouts with Darin) until he moved away to Knoxville, TN. Then I moved to work with him online. I would love to tell you that my weight loss has been a steady downhill journey. It gets easier with time, and it gets more natural. That would be lying. Weight loss is an insane thing, and you're asking your body to change, quickly. Darin asked for a food log and when I try to diet on my own (not knowing ANYTHING except "the less food, the better") I think I was rolling on four to five hundred calories a day. Let me hit you with that again. 500 calories, a day. I ate like a bird, and lost a little weight, but then Darin started pushing me to eat more. I was a little resistant at first because the thought of eating "that much" made me think that I wouldn't lose weight as quick as I wanted to. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in 4 months. I mean they do it on the biggest loser. Why couldn't I? I had also turned off my "I'm hungry" part of my brain because I guess your brain gets to a point where it stops asking for food once it knows it isn't going to get any. On top of anxiety, I am really, really picky about food. I don't let my food touch, I don't eat vegetables of any kind (I recently started eating a little tiny bit of broccoli this year), I don't eat hot food at night, and I've self-diagnosed myself with selective eating disorder. I am the poster child for that disorder. When I say I don't eat vegetables, I mean I don't eat them. Carrots, peas, beans of ANY kind, sweet potatoes, corn, tomatoes, onions, asparagus, spinach...you name it, I don't eat it. And when I say I dont eat it, I mean, I do not eat it. at all. ever. So working with that has been an issue for all parties involved. Over the course of the last year and a half, I've tried a little of everything. Crossfit, zumba, classes at the Y and running. Nothing makes me happier than lifting weights. I never, ever thought those words would come out of my mouth but the power of exercise is insane. It really is the most underutilized antidepressant. I've had my best workouts on my worst days because all I can focus on is breathing. The weight of the world isn't on my shoulders for the hour that I'm in the gym. I don't have to think, I don't have to be anything, I don't have to pretend. I just have to use my muscles. Some days it's easier said than done, and some days I would rather get kicked in the throat than go to the gym, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't lose 106 pounds in a month. It takes patience and consistency. Those are two things that whoever you work with can preach, but you have to experience the struggle first hand. When you've eaten nothing but "good" food for 4 days and climb on the scale to see the number be higher than it was 4 days ago. You really, really have to trust what you're doing is going to work (still an issue for me) and find another way to validate what you're doing is working, other than the scale. Still an issue for me. I'm an instant gratification girl. When I order things off amazon, I always pay extra for overnight shipping. I don't like waiting, and losing weight is a waiting game at best. The first 30 pounds came off pretty quickly, but after that...well, I think you know where I'm going with this. 1-2 pounds a week, 2 pounds is a GREAT week. I still have quite some time to go with this weight loss journey.  My long term goal (and I mean long term) is some kind of bodybuilding competition. Will it happen? Eventually. I have my doubts but I'm much too smart to stand in my own way. I have my doubts that what's underneath is gonna be great, but you can always change the exterior. It may take longer than you'd like and be less than pleasant at times. It requires a lot of hard work, but if I can do this I know anyone else can, you just have to be ready to change. The quote that gave me the title to this blog (and hangs on the wall in my room) says "I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." I did, and it was the best choice I've ever made.