I survived my trip to the north, I act like I went to space. It was such an adventure. The airports were huge (with the exception of Asheville) and I experienced a lot of firsts. I finally got to spend some quality time with Kirsten and Ali, and I got to meet Taylor. Saturday night at the hotel felt like we were old friends. It was seriously one of the coolest things because it's amazing to be around people who make you feel so comfortable, and we were laughing (all riding sugar highs from the cheesecake and various other sweets) and it was in the top 8 best nights of my life. The show was a whole new beast too, I'd never watched a competition live, I've seen hundreds from the world of instagram but that doesn't really count. I got sick before finals because the smell of spray tans, body odor, vendors having various things for you to try, and it was just something I never want to smell again. Kirsten got fourth, and I am so proud of her! she worked SO hard and it definitely showed. I can't wait to watch her compete again!
I have this mental defect, where I get tattoos with little to no thought beforehand. I, honestly, think WAY more about a haircut than a tattoo and it doesn't make any sense. To me, I'm like....it's just skin. But with my hair I'm like OH GOD WHYYYYYY if I get a bad haircut (which has happened more than I'd care to admit) and it's borderline silly how quickly I'll have a seat in a tattoo parlor. However, I am so proud of these tattoos and I love them so much I could cry. My sister had saved letters Zack had sent from rehab, and so on my right wrist I have "I love you, -Zach" and on my left wrist I have "I love you, -Rebecca." and they are by far my favorite. A little piece of them that I will always have. A reminder that my brother loved me so much and my sister always has my back. Let me be clear though, these hurt like a bitch. Brody has done a couple of tattoos for me and he's my favorite artist. He's a super chill guy and OCD about your tattoo. He redid the outline for my left wrist 3 times because he didn't think it was centered. We were talking about our pets, and he was in the middle of the o and v in "love" and I was like "my dad had a dog named boboFUCK FUCK FUCK" and he had to stop because he was laughing so hard. Brody KEPT going over part of mine and he was right, he was like, I know right now you're like damn hurry up but it'll be worth it. And it was. Check them ouuuut
Wednesday, September 3rd 2014 will be approximately 365 days since my brother passed away. He was 25. I can't even put in to words the heartbreak I felt and feel, and will always feel. When you go to look for someone who isn't there, or you see something that makes you think of that person. I saw a thing on pinterest that says "my memory loves you, it asks about you all the time" and wow, mine does. My memory is a blessing and a curse. I remember the morning he died like it was yesterday. Everything started at 430am-ish and by 530 we knew he was gone. And I was sitting in my grandparents kitchen eating an oatmeal pie, and I was upset because it was still dark outside. I felt like it had been dark forever. I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything. I was making jokes to Kalynn. You know what will never leave my mind, ever? having to call my dad and tell him. I felt like the phone rang forever and when he did pick up, I felt like the words weren't coming. When I heard myself say "Zach died", then I started to cry. Because when you say it out loud, it became real. There are too many questions for me and not enough answers. Was it suicide? was he scared? did he know what was happening? I want to believe that my brother knew exactly how loved he was. I hope he knows that I would have given anything for him, but right now I wouldn't bring him back if I could. He's not dealing with addiction anymore and he has the peace he so desperately needed. I believe that some people use drugs as a cover up for something you don't have the coping skills to deal with or don't want to deal with. Drugs, alcohol, food, they all can do that. But they're just band-aids over a gaping wound, and until you get some healing for that wound it's always going to be there. I think my heart will always be broken, and I will always wish things had turned out differently. My twin sister was a hero that morning, she did CPR until paramedics arrived when I couldn't do anything but stand there in the kitchen. I wish I could have been as heroic but I don't envy the aftermath of the situation she has to deal with. No one can save you from yourself. My brother succumbed to his addiction, but sometimes what is hard to see is the fact that healing comes in many forms. His demons are conquered and he's finally okay. and I'm left here to pick up the pieces. I'm going to start a tradition. Every year on September 3rd, I'm going to do something for my brother. Be it cook his favorite meal and listen to all his jamz, let balloons go with messages to him, whatever. Something to say that I haven't forgotten about you, and I still miss you. I used to get so damn excited about my birthday, but it's really hard to be excited now. I feel guilty, because I'm like damn my brother is dead YAY I'M 25! I know he would want me to be excited but it just feels so different.
and that my friends is the end of my sob story for today. I'm still lifting as often as I can, 31 kilos is my current snatch PR. I'm not sure about clean and jerks because I just learned to clean like 2 weeks ago and have maybe done it 10 times. I kind of suck at it, and it's not really my favorite thing to do. I think snatching or jerking are tied for #1. Can I also just say that being an adult is way less fun than I'd imagined? Taking care of yourself is exhausting and stressful at times. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, working, whew. But I'm also really proud of myself that I have my own car, my own apartment, a job (even if I dislike it)... and I have 4 wonderful parents who always have my back, and I get to live with my best friend. I think all of the above can be summed up like this.
Life is rough, but it's still good.
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