one upon a tonight.

once upon a tonight, I signed up to take "goldsburn" which from my understanding is Gold's version of Orange Theory. Class started at 6 so I checked in at the front desk, signed a liability waiver and changed clothes. I did some warm up cardio and spent a healthy amount of time stretching and walked to the door at 5:55, promptly burst in to tears and left. Why? I don't fucking know. All I know is that I have had a metric fuck ton of shitty stuff happening in the last few weeks and I am tired, stressed out and full of unfiltered anxiety coursing through my veins.

I want to know what happened to me. When I was at my lowest weight, the month my brother died coincidentally, I didn't give a shit to walk in to a group fitness class. I remember I was doing a shoulders/quads/conditioning workout one day and decided I didn't like the conditioning Darin had written (surprise) so I decided I'd take the step class, made it 30 minutes in that and left. No tears included. I didn't think twice about it. I know things are different now, but I am a mess. I feel like I am literally just trying to make it through the day and if I do so without having a nervous breakdown then I call that day a win. I'm so all over the place with everything and I feel like I go 100 miles an hour in 100 different directions.

I'm really tired constantly and I know that's because of a few things, mostly my diet and stress levels. Work is killing me, I've cried 3 times in the last 2 days because I feel so out of my element. I'm not good at dealing with patients especially when they're upset and I feel like I spend half the time talking to them stuttering my way through an explanation that doesn't make sense. I go all in or all out with my diet, tracking every gram of food I sniff or chugging a venti caramel machiatto and eating a donut for breakfast.

Anxiety is a killer, ya'll. I laugh about all the thoughts that go through my head but here's a fun story. I made an appointment for a strategy session with Kevin and I don't mean my cat. I mean Kevin Martin, ya'll remember when I worked with him 3 years ago? trust me, I did. In the midst of trying to sort my life out, I thought it might be a good idea to maybe go back to Plank 1 or 2 times a week. Get back in the swing of things, ya know? The entire drive to plank, which was probably less than 10 minutes from my office, I spent worrying about walking in, talking, and what I'd say if he asked me any variety of questions. You know what happened? I spent an hour and a half discussing things like my goals, what I did for nutrition now, what I wanted out of the experience, can you be healthy if you eat cake, nutrient timing, how many gummy worms constitute a serving, etc, and it felt like I was talking to an old friend. You know what that taught me? apparently nothing because I couldn't even talk to the guy teaching my goldsburn class tonight.

All this sounds like I should spend the money I'm using on a gym membership and get some mental health help, right? right. But unfortunately I have yet to find a therapist in AVL who takes my insurance with office hours I can work with, so that's super fun and by super fun I mean really awful. Asheville is a super underserved population as is, and I have issues finding a therapist WITH health insurance so I can't imagine if you didn't have any.

So here I am, a mess and half per the usual...except now just with random outbursts of tears. Was there a purpose to this entry? not really, it's just nice to get this out of my head and on to paper(blog) and with that, I am off to lay down and try to get some rest.

xoxo
Nessie.