chasing barbells instead of bikinis.

before anyone gets butthurt, let me just say that I'm very much aware that barbells and bikinis are not mutually exclusive. I don't think Dana Lin Bailey, Nicole Wilkins or Amanda Latona got jacked on bodyweight exercises. I'm not retarded.

If you've known me for any amount of time, the last two years I've spent trying to lose a metric fuck ton of weight. June 9, 2011. Day 1 with Darin, and it's been downhill from there ha, more like an uphill battle. But I've never stopped trying, I've had weeks where I've said this is ridiculous and I've had consults for gastric bypass. I've quit mountain dew cold turkey and I've drank a 2 liter in 2 days again. Hot and cold. Around August-ish of last year, I thought I needed something to work towards. I needed a big goal that I could spend my time working towards. I decided I wanted to compete in a bikini competition, and you can read about that here. That is apparently also the point in which I said fuck weight watchers...but, now we here...again. ha! history repeats itself. Anyways I picked up working with Darin again, got some new workouts and had a little more motivation. I wanted to be that badass, and that dedicated and driven and motivated. But then, life happened and I learned that I wasn't strong enough to follow any sort of real diet or structured training plan. I struggled for months. on. end. Especially after Zach died in September. If you've followed my blog, you've known the last 3-4 months that I've been hot and cold, constantly. Being inconsistent was the only thing I was good at.

I finally decided that it was okay that this sport wasn't for me. That doesn't mean I'm any less awesome because that's not my goal right now. I think the women who compete all have the most amazing willpower and dedication. For me though, I don't think I would ever be able to handle busting my ass for 16+ weeks (52 weeks or more would probably be a more realistic time frame) and then not even placing because the girl next to me was prettier...er, more asthetic is probably a better way to say that. I do better with objective. Oh, you can't snatch 60 kilos? well she can, so she wins. I think that is more my style. I hate cardio and with that being said, I think I've done <1 hour in the last 2 weeks. I also like being able to be flexible with my diet in a way that you can't as a competitor. and by flexible I mean days where I don't give a damn aren't the be all end all of my career. If I fall off the weight watchers wagon and eat at CiCis pizza no one is none the wiser. I think at some point you have to be honest with yourself about your own strengths and if something is wise for you to chase after. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I have an eating disorder. It's not actually specified, so it's EDNOS. The incredibly picky way that I eat, you know, not eating any legitimate vegetables and only certain brands of certain foods, even down to not eating the crusts of sandwiches, reeses, poptarts...I'm not an immortal 3 year old and it's not just because I'd rather have tater tots than carrots (I mean honestly I don't know anyone who would pick carrots over tater tots). It's because carrots have a different taste to me and that taste is bitter and disgusting. I have to play the hand I've been dealt and know that there's a difference in could and should, and also can't and won't. I always try to say "oh you can't get out of bed right now? you physically cannot move your legs? or you won't get out of bed?" and usually...it's more often than not the latter.  Right now it's best that I chase after a barbell more so than a bikini because let's be honest, that may never happen. Olympic lifting gives me something to work towards that (most days) doesn't feel completely impossible. Though it has it's challenges as well, and the biggest one for me right now is being a beginner. Before I say this next sentence, hear me out, I don't brag. One of my friends at work had to speak up in the break room because a coworker was harassing me about trying weight watchers, unbeknownst to her that a)I was already doing the online program and b)I had already lost 95 pounds and c)I have social anxiety like you wouldn't believe so I couldn't tell her to go fly a kite. I just don't feel comfortable being like LOOK WHAT I DID!  Then of course said coworker wanted to see pictures and talk about how I did it. You'd think I'd be okay with that seeing as you know it's hard as fuck to lose a lot of weight and I should be proud of what I've accomplished and I am. to a point. a healthy point, I think. But anyways I say that to say this. I'm incredibly intelligent. I pick up things pretty quickly, I love to read and I have a memory like you wouldn't believe. Problem is none of that has a damn thing to do with weight lifting of any sort. Remembering the price of Christmas tree shaped butter at Wal-Mart, what color shirt Matt had on at my sister's college graduation and what page Edward asks Bella to marry him in Eclipse, all of that doesn't mean jack shit for lifting. So instead I will focus my efforts on becoming better a little at a time. As you all know by now (or should know by now) I've been working on said Olympic lifting at a pretty damn awesome place known as Asheville Strength with some pretty damn awesome people, who have some of the funniest one liners I've ever heard. Tamara plays youtube videos of goats making noises between sets, and everyone has an answer for everything. It's just an all around cool place, and Tamara has a blog and this post spoke volumes to me and how I look at things.

so on that note, me and my bruised and brutally sore legs are going to study psychiatric diagnosis coding and rest. Nessie goes to Nashville happens (again) next week, so if you're not following me on instagram, you'll miss that shit show. Also I'm flying to Pittsburgh in August, and I'm already anxious. So let the adventures begin, ole! that's Spanish. I'm bilingual, if you didn't know.

and also a smart ass, if you didn't catch that last bit ;)