A whole new world.

A whole new worlddddddd. A dazzling place I never knew, but when I'm way up here, it's crystal clearrrr...

Imagine me singing that on a magic carpet in India, where I feel like Aladdin was filmed. Well. Aladdin wasn't a real movie it was animated. If you down know that song, leave now. We can't be friends. Just kidding. Kind of.  

what is happening? I'm blogging on somewhat of a regular schedule and it seems like every week my life has changed enough to warrant an essay. 

 

I have new goals and I'm not sure where to begin. Other than Katy Perry's new song "roar" is my effin jammmm. I'm trying to cuss less, but I think we all know by the end of this post I'm gonna be dropping f-bombs. I just can't help myself. Anyways, I have a... I won't say weird, even though it is to me, but ... new. new is a good word. New goal that I actually laughed at when I decided to write it in my Lily planner (my Lily Pulitzer planner is where ALL my important information is....just in case anyone wants to steal it and ruin my life)....and that is, I, Vanessa Kaitlin (Ke$ha) Freeman, want to eventually compete in a bikini competition and I laughed again while I typed that. The words "Vanessa" and "bikini" are never ever ever ever never in the same sentence. Here's the thing though,OBVIOUSLY I know that I have a lot more weight to lose, but I know there are still contests going on in November...so my goal is to be ready next November...which gives me around 15 months to lose the rest of my weight and get it together. Now, I'm not even sure if that is possible or with my back the way it is and the Edward scissor hand type scar running from the base of my neck to the small of my back and the one on my hip...plus I know losing a ton of weight could make me need skin removal surgery. Oh also I have terrible social anxiety....but I have a quote in this crazy memory I have that says "decide you want it more than you're afraid of it."

The definition of courage (yes I googled it) is "the ability to do something that frightens one" which lets be clear. I have no idea what's about to happen but I don't want to be 50 years old wondering what would have happened if I tried. I want to do this more than anything. I've wanted to do it for a while, since this whole thing started, but I ALWAYS gave up when I was trying to lose weight before so I figured this time would be like the last and just to give it up now. I'm really glad I didn't listen to that part of me. I follow a ton of NPC competitors on IG, and it just fuels my fire. I want to be strong AND pretty. I just really am having a hard time envisioning myself on a stage in clear heels and a bikini of ANY kind, all tanned up (that also seems weird to me as I'm whiter than Michael Jackson and Casper's love child)  flexing like I'm Dana Lin Bailey, but I want to give it a shot. I'll be 25 when all this (hopefully) goes down which makes me feel old. Though, I do feel like Darin is gonna have an "adult" honey boo boo on his hands. "why are we doing this? I just want to eat cheese puffs!" haha clearly I'm a mess.  But, I have SO much I want to do and it's so crazy how much things have changed since I've lost weight....which. brings me to point number two.

 

I quit weight watchers. I got pissed off, and went back to myfitnesspal and counting calories and I've lost 6 pounds this week. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. I lasted about 10 seconds without using the F bomb. New record. #cantstopwontstop. I have a problem. I guess weight watchers was giving me more calories than I needed(?) and I was eating not so great choices? I mean I really didn't eat m&ms for 7 meals a day, so I don't know what the deal is. I honestly didn't change anything that drastically. I ate a lot of turkey sausage, eggs, grilled chicken, salads, the same thing I was eating on weight watchers but I guess I was more aware of how much I ate(?) I don't know. I haven't gained any of that weight back....and we all know I get on the scale every morning, sure as the sun will rise.  I went to the gym the same amount of times, but I did more weight lifting this week and it felt good to get back in the swing of that. Except I did a leg workout on Wednesday and wanted to DIE. Plie squats supersetted with box jumps, leg press supersetted with boot strappers which finding a place to do boot strappers where I wouldn't scare off the other gym patrons was a process in and of itself... hip abductions supersetted with split squats and calf raises. I seriously hoped at one point I passed out so I could call the workout a wash and leave when I woke back up. I'm dramatic but that thought really crossed my mind. My legs are still sore as shit. I did treadmill sprints on Thursday because when I do a leg workout I can't do cardio after. Weird, but my legs didn't hurt while I was running...just every day after haha. It's a rough life. one thing at a time.

 

speaking of one thing at a time and myfitnesspal. Who consumed 248 grams of carbs on Friday? I'm raising my hand in case you can't see me. WHAT THE FUCK. IT WASN'T EVEN MY BIRTHDAY. I feel like 248 grams of carbs is like I'm gonna run a full marathon today nutrition. Not I'm gonna go to the Y and do some back/chest action and a few elliptical sprints then go home and lay on the couch type nutrition. BUT, lesson learned. Pay a little more attention to your food BEFORE the end of the day. annnnnd because I make bad choices, I ended up riding to dairy queen with Nick and Kalynn at 11 o'clock last night and got a mini cookie dough blizzard. Was it cheat meal night? no. do I regret it? not that much, no. This was hands down THE best week I've had in a long, long time. Today will be better, and tomorrow won't be. Matt, Rebecca and I are taking a mini-road trip to Knoxville to see Darin in "The Nerd", so I'm saving some bad choices for the trip.

 

and this is legit first world/weight loss probz at their finest but none of my clothes fit anymore. I know what you're thinking. Nessie, why don't you treat yourself and go buy some beautiful new smaller clothes? well that's a wonderful idea, readers of this blog. However, I'm a cheapskate and can't find anything I really want to spend my money on haha. Like legit all my scrub pants are 3 sizes too big and look like I'm wearing a tent on my lower body...which sounds like toot toot, all aboard the brag boat, but really. I'm a mess. I really should though. I've lost a total of 8 pants sizes and 4 shirt sizes. I still wear my shirts to the gym, and my new favorite activity is cutting the sleeves off my shirts. I didn't realize how much of a redneck randall I looked like when I cut the sleeves off my bass pro shop shirt hahahaha. I really need to stop talking.

 

so. there you have it. Another completely crazy insane essay about the happenings of my life. go do yourselves a favor and download "roar" by Katy Perry and "brave" by Sara Bareilles. you're welcome. until next week, my friends!