happy magic.

being happy despite your circumstance is a choice.

I have this problem where nothing I do is ever good enough. I get it pretty much from all sides but mostly from myself. My grandparents want to know when I'm getting married and having kids because "we won't be around much longer." I can never lift enough, I can never stick to a diet long enough these days, I suck at my job, my apartment looks like a poor frat boy lives there, I could go on, believe me. But I'm trying to learn to be happy and enjoy my life despite this voice in my head that says "why bother?" constantly. I want to be the best at everything, and I want it now. Right this second. I want a spotless apartment, a promotion, a snatch PR and to have lost 100 more pounds and better yet I want it yesterday. Earth to Nessie, the world doesn't work that way and you would think having lost weigh previously I of all people would know this. It takes a while for me to learn things. But while I'm working for those things, being happy is hard. But I'm learning to, slowly, just enjoy myself. Enjoy the fact that my job isn't micromanaged, it's pretty self directed. I have coworkers I enjoy talking to. Enjoy the fact that I have an apartment that, so what if there are pizza boxes, beer bottles and clothes everywhere? I have somewhere I call home. As for a snatch PR, well, that will come. The gym is a place where I get to go and for the time I'm there, it's like the world outside doesn't matter. Nothing exists outside that door. I don't worry about cleaning, what I have to get done at work the next day, anything. "be here now" is one of the things I repeat to myself when I start getting anxious and can't bake. I bake because it gives me something to do, by the way. I don't know what to do with my hands #rickybobbyquotesftw. Be in this moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow or a week from now, here. now. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. It's like less than reliable happy magic.

In the last week, both of my parents have been in the hospital. My dad is still there and my mom is having surgery on Friday. I'm pretty stressed out, and that's normal for me. But learning to still be able to be happy even when I'm worried and anxious is new. I'm working on it a little a time, but I'm certain everything will work out for the best.

In more happy news, here is a list of things I've learned and think everyone else should know too, also with some fun puns I've found via the magic of the internets.

1. If you mix sugar free fat free cheesecake pudding mix in plain greek yogurt and stir up it really well, it tastes almost identical to cheesecake. Legit, I am the pickiest eater on the planet and I will eat that. So I'm almost 100% sure you will like it.

2. If you microwave a glazed Krispy Kreme donut for 8 seconds, magic happens.

3. Putting butter in ramen noodles is also magical. If I learned anything from Paula Deen other than not to be a racist, it's that butter makes everything better.

4. What happens when Peter Pan flies? he neverlands.

5. I want to learn to American Sign Language and I am teaching myself via the youtube. I can almost sign the entire chorus to call me maybe. It'll be useful, I just know it.

and with that, I'm signing off. See what I did there?
ha. I make myself LOL.