weekend thoughts, ramblings and M&Ms

Hello, my name is Vanessa and I have something to share with the group.

*hi, Vanessa!*

I know it may be hard to believe, but I have a life. I have a life that is my own to live, the way I see fit to do so. Guided by the God that I believe in, which may not be the God you believe in. I do not need your commentary on how I choose to do this. I would also like to point out that any of the following are not who I am. I am not the weight I've lost or lift, my tattoos, my foul mouth, my love for the homeless population, my distaste for a certain haunted house of horrors in California... I am not any of those things. They are part of me, but not all of me and I don't know what it's going to take for people to realize that. I do not need any one's commentary on the way I choose to diet. I've been at this for 2 years now, and I am aware of what works and doesn't work for me. So can we stop with the judgemental glances when I order mountain dew to drink? I would also propose that people stop shit talking on their facebook status's about how fat people can't be healthy. I know that I'm at risk for things like diabetes (especially with my dad having it), and heart disease and all the evil the world has to offer. But you know what's extraordinary though? I'm FINE. I don't have diabetes, my blood pressure last time I had my physical was 122/62. also known as just fucking fine. My cholesterol is within normal limits and I don't have sleep apnea. Just because you're BMI is within normal limits, doesn't mean you're superman and can tell everyone else how inferior they are for drinking a soft drink. or a hard one for that matter.

There aren't a lot of people who talk about how hard it is to look in the mirror after you've lost 100 pounds and still see the exact same person pre-weight loss. You want to talk about feeling like you've been punched in the gut? know how hard you've worked, all the times it took every ounce of willpower you had and then some to turn down cake at a birthday party and look in the mirror and see no difference. You know what else sucks? going to walmart and feeling judged because of what you have in your buggy. I don't feel like it's okay for me to buy a bag of m&ms or a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I'm overweight. A couple weeks ago, I was checking out and the bag of M&Ms I had, the barcode wouldn't scan, and the cashier looked at me like "do you really need these?" so I just shrugged it off and said to leave them out, I didn't need them anyway. I didn't NEED the brown ones, I hate brown M&Ms, but the rest of them I really wanted.

In other news, I spent this weekend with a group of absolutely awesome people learning from Chip Conrad (the owner of BodyTribe Fitness in California) and Nick, which listening to some of his stories made me laugh and some of them made me really think about, like you become like the 5 people you spend the most of your time around. Chip was really good at explaining the mind-body connection and explaining how to move better. I realized through various mobility exercises and such that I have a lot to work on. I didn't feel like the odd woman out socially, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my lifting tribe, but I couldn't do some stuff because I'm really overweight. I can't do a burpee or a push up or a cossack squat. But I can work on those things, and I will get better at them. I let the fear of judgement from other people stop me from a lot of things. I have the right to eat m&ms' just as much as anyone who is considered "healthy", this is America.  but my social anxiety still gets the best of me, so that will go on my "things to be worked on" list.

I hit my 40 kilo clean and jerk PR tonight, and then a 43 kilo clean, but no jerk. I missed my first 2 attempts at 40, one in front of me and one behind me and that one was sketchy at best. So I think my new clean/jerk PR goal for the year will be 46 kilos aka 101 pounds. I still haven't PR'd on my snatch in a bit, but I think fear has a lot to do with that for some reason. We'll see though, I still have 6 weeks-ish till the end of the year. lots of things can happen between now and then! I do think between now and tomorrow morning, I'm going to get a lot more sore.

2 more weeks till the end of negative kilo november, and so far I think I'm down 6 pounds-ish. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to weight watchers and fast every couple days because once I hit the point of angry hungry aka hangry, things get bad and I probably eat more than I should. So, we'll see what the next few weeks bring! Meet in Asheville on December 13th. Maybe my goal for that meet will be 46 kilo c/j and 37 snatch. Whatever, as long as it's fun, I'm happy.