saying no.

One of the things that is hardest for me is saying no.

saying no to a brownie, a horrible ex boyfriend who is married and asks me to dinner, saying no (please) to extra projects at work. Saying no does not come naturally to me. I am a people pleaser by nature and I am very passive even when I shouldn't be. But one thing I've learned through this whole journey is that willpower, much like your muscles, gets stronger the more you work it. The last 7 days I have tracked every single bite that has went in my mouth. I lost 4 pounds this week, and I am so happy about it. It's hard though, I'm not going to lie. It requires a lot of me packing food and counting out pretzels and making myself get up and get more water to drink at work. I've had less than 20 ounces of Mountain Dew (the nectar of the Gods) this week and that's a record for the last year. I really want to lose 30 pounds before my next meet, and I'm going to fucking do it. I don't know why I picked 30 pounds, because as skinny as I'll ever be, I'll likely always be a "super heavy" aka super, also known as the 75+ to the politically correct among us. I just want, and need, to lose more weight. I'm technically healthy where I am right now. My fasting blood sugar is 82, my cholesterol is fine, my blood pressure is actually on the low side, but I just don't like the way I look, and that's reason enough for me to change.

I've been sticking to weight watchers like my life depends on it. I've eaten a lot of apples and bananas this week. I replaced my breakfast with a protein shake and one of the aforementioned fruits. A snack is usually 22 mini pretzels with 1/2 a tablespoon PB and 1 tablespoon chocolate chips. Lunch is usually shredded chicken salad and fruit, another snack of pretzels and dinner is sometimes a repeat of lunch. It all adds up to what it should, I'm not hungry and ready to cut a bitch and when the time comes that I absolutely can't say no to something like a cupcake or if I need a handful of the "weeklies", I'll pull those out and use them without guilt. I have another 100 pounds to lose and if weight watchers is going to be the thing that keeps me sane, I'll keep using it. It's not complicated and I feel less guilt about food, which I shouldn't feel any to begin with because food is just food but that's what happens when you have a fucked up relationship with food, your body and your mental health. Yeah, I went there. #surprise.

So right now, when all I want is a brownie, I'm going to eat my sugar free orange jello, drink the last 15 ounces of water and go lay down and watch netflix. Tomorrow is a day of apartment hunting, some possible cardio in the forecast and maybe a glass of wine. All I know is that I'm going to be 30 pounds lighter by March 21st and I'm going to get better at saying no.