crossfit, cramps and swans.

wow. sometimes I forget I used to do this thing called 'blogging'. Sorry bout that ya'll. I know you were anxiously waiting for the day I would get my shit together and write a new literary masterpiece.

it's been a minute. so. let's review. I've weighed the exact same for the last SIX FRIGGEN WEEKS. like. every. single. time. I get on the scale in the morning it doesn't move and I thought it was my scale. But nope. I've tried on 3 other ones. now, let's not think I've been the best at this and followed any sort of a meal plan, but I've tried to keep making good okay choices. Oh, I also tried the paleo diet for a total of 16 hours-ish. That's including sleep time, just to make myself feel a little better. Around noon on Monday (day 1 of that experiment) ALL I wanted was honey nut cheerios rolled in peanut butter and powdered sugar. For lunch that day I had a spinach salad with chicken, onions, tomatoes, hard boiled eggs and get this, hot sauce for dressing because I couldn't find any paleo dressings. well guess what America? hot sauce isn't paleo either. I'm seriously giggling about that because a)if I didn't I would have cried, b)I HATE hot sauce and c)that lunch was just a shit show. I also got this thing called a peach bar and the only ingredients were peaches, dates, apricot pieces and some dehydrated banana I think (I don't remember) and it looked like a straight up dog turd. I imagine it tastes somewhat similar to said dog droppings. I also made my less than triumphant return to crossfit. I loved the box and the coaches, but my body is just not made for that kind of brutality. I forget I'm made of metal and still the size of a small dump truck and have the grace of a three legged donkey learning to walk. I also have asthma and by the time I left the box, I had some nice musical sounds I've personally never heard anyone make before coming from my chest. I also got approximately 0 ounces of water for the entire hour because I refuse to look like a weakling and so when I left, I made it to the parking lot and fell getting in to my car because my left calf took the WORST cramp I've ever felt in my entire life. like no shit I thought my muscle was going to contract hard enough to snap my bones. I didn't even care that my elbow was bleeding from that less than optimal dismount from my car. Then these 2 saints I was in class with came outside and helped me up. Embarrassing. But they were hands down 2 of the nicest people I've EVER met. The idea of group fitness classes always sounds better to me when I'm not in said group fitness classes. I have social anxiety something awful. like in my world people don't like me from the minute they look at me, and they're judging and waiting for me to mess up/embarrass myself. Which I know is completely absurd but that's how I feel and you can't argue with someone's feelings. But I just can't deal with that many people in such great shape in one place. Moving along. When I finally got in my car, I drove to the nearest McDonalds KEEP READING BEFORE YOU START JUDGING, and got two 32 ounce cups of water and drank them in all in the 20 minute drive home. I don't really remember the drive, just the fact that I'd never been so happy to drink half a gallon of water in my liiiiiiiife. The girl in the drive through window probably thought I was completely crazy. I was like, I'll pay you for them but I want 2 of the largest cups of water you have hahahahahaa. She didn't make me pay for them probably because she thought I was dying. fair assumption. I wasn't sure I was going to make it up. then when I woke up the next morning I felt like I'd been hit by Chris Brown. like I'd been beaten to death with a barbell. My ankle was the size of a small bowling ball, my hips ached and my back hurt. and it wasn't the muscular soreness I'm accustomed to. it was like pain all the way to the bone.

So I'm back to square 1. This week has just been really bad for me. I'm thinking about taking a week off from EVERYTHING and chilling out. I worry way too much about being perfect and I'm entirely too hard on myself for messing up and I know that. I've lost 90lbs and I know what I'm capable of, and it's more than this. So I honestly have no idea what the next month holds. I know I'm not going to hit my 100 pounds gone by the end of July. that's life though. There is so much going on right now and that's an excuse, but really. I'm sad that crossfit didn't work out because I was SO excited. I think maybe I just need to play it by ear for a while. Maybe that's the worst idea ever, I don't know.  this is my life.

Anywho, like I've said before. I'll blog more when I have stuff to share, like that the queen of England owns all the swans in England. for real. google that shit. she does. lucky. does anyone else remember a Disney movie called the swan princess or something? or did I dream that up? I don't know. but that's really all I have to say for now. so with that, I'm out.