With that said, I haven't been to the gym this week because of my hip. Which is STILL killing me. I see my orthopedist again Monday. Ugh. I've spent a lot of time in my bed with my heating pad and creeping Instagram. And I've had time to think and make observations. Some may be rude. Let's take our shocked faces off.
Here's my main thing. I completely understand not everyone needs/wants/works with a trainer/coach as long as I have. I get it. But when your retention rate as a fitness professional is terrible enough for me to notice, you have a problem. There are two (maybe three) who shall remain nameless that seem to have THE WORST TIME keeping clients. And let's examine the reasons why, shall we? Now lets be clear. We all know I'm obviously no fitness expert but I'm also not stupid. I got lucky finding Darin so quickly and for him to be so knowledgeable. But exhibit a; if you have more than 300 clients. HOW THE HELL are you doing anything for them?! You literally can't even spend an hour a week working on their plan because there aren't that many hours in a week. Also, if I'm paying you a seriously ungodly amount of money, you damn well better know my name. I also am not eating tuna and mustard 4 meals a day when I hate tuna. Let's also be clear. Ice cream is a treat. A banana and peanut butter is not. Someone is obviously knitting with one needle. Also, there will be no 2-3 times PER DAY of cardio on a 1100 calorie a day diet. You have lost your effin mind. Then on top of this, when people figure out that, gasp, this trainer isn't sending out personalized meal plans and workouts they get angry. WHAT DID YOU THINK THEY WERE DOING?! In my humble opinion it's like getting trampled on Black Friday. It's your own fault.
Exhibit B. We have this other trainer/coach that, in my investigating their credentials, still has on an ankle bracelet. Not as a fashion statement, oh no my friends. It's a TRACKING bracelet because our friend has been in the clink. They offer training specials ridiculous cheap because I don't know of anyone who wants to do bicep curls with water jugs in bright orange shorts. Also stemming from my investigation, I find that our exhibit B is offering access 24/7 to them as our coach. God is good. What?! What happens when we violate our probation and go back to the concrete jungle? Is there a refund procedure in case of emergency? Risky business plan my friend. But seeing as you've already been to the slammer, our definitions of risky are likely very different.
Exhibit C. I'm mostly just angry because I really follow this person because I don't like them. I'm a hater. Surprise. First of all they're rude. Don't market yourself as a trainer and then tell people to google stuff. Yeah. I get it, you're not nearly as smart as the google but I feel like telling people to get their information from a search engine then WRITING POSTS ABOUT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE is ass backwards. Help them, and don't be rude about it. Explaining the difference in simple and complex carbs isn't going to bankrupt you and make you lose all 3 of your clients. I get people don't want to answer stupid questions over and over but being a dick gets you nowhere with karma cat or with me. second of all, don't complain about being sick to your stomach when you eat bowls of shit all the time. Legit. Taking a sweet potato and mashing up like coconut yougurt and almond milk and snackimals (wtf is that even?! like baby food?!) and eggs and arctic zero ice cream. I can tell you why you have rot gut, idiot. Because you're mixing together all garbage all the time in the kitchen and being like "this is so good", uh pardon me for not buying what you're selling. Then getting annoyed when people ask you what that is/why you do it. I personally would like to know why you do it as well. As a member of the "my food doesn't touch" club, I cannot fathom eating that. Ever.
I tried to not even use gender revealing pronouns in the above because I don't want to influence anyone else's opinion. I would be interested to hear y'all's guesses on who these people are though. Like a somewhat passive agressive game of clue! Ha. I had a lot of time on my hands this week.
I understand, and am very thankful, that I lucked out finding Darin so easily. He's got the patience of a saint, and he's not stupid. But even at the beginning of this journey when I decided I needed a trainer, I feel like I could have figured out in talking to any of the above "trainers" that it wasn't a good idea. As I've stated before OBVIOUSLY I am not a fitness profesh (my mean girls slang for professional. Clever, I know) but I'm not an idiot (all the time) either. I'm a big fan of whatever works for you, and if the above "works for you", wonderful. Keep on keepin on. But I just know for me it would be a terrible, terrible choice.
Speaking of. I miss the gym but I was warned that if I go back too soon, I can cause permenant damage and now I'm anxious about hurting/irritating that hip again. I can't tell you how freakin bad my hip hurts and how much I don't want another cortisone shot. I'm hoping a weekend of mostly bed rest will help. I've been really tired lately and maybe this was the universes way of telling me to chill out because I was super stressed out about getting everything back together. I say that like I ever had it together.
Anyways. If anyone needs me, I'll be in bed with my heating pad, medicine, remote and a stuffed wrestler my brother had as a child. Good night(day) to all and to all a good night(day).
Also if anyone is interested, google "Santas around the world" and I believe there is one in Belgium who is a huge black man who has 3 helpers who beat children who are bad with sticks. LEGIT. google it. Thank God I live in America where Santa brings gifts and not ass whoopins.
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