every day is a struggle right now. and every day is a different struggle. Sometimes it's food and getting to the gym, sometimes it's random memories of Zach, some days it's all of the above. My friend Lindsay (over at traininglindsay.blogspot.com) said it best when she said, "you will pick up the pieces one. day. at. a. time.", which I think I've been trying to scoop them all up at once. I've used a quote on one of my many instagram posts that says "you can't get much done if you only work on the days you feel good", which is true. I'm shooting for getting anything done on the days I feel halfway human. If you've never lost anyone close to you, you can't begin to imagine the hurt when you start realizing little things. Like you never showed your brother a youtube video you know he would have loved, you aren't ever going to hear his voice again, or you aren't ever going to get another night sitting down at your grandparents house discussing how people from high school turned out. One day at a time. Sometimes that turns in to one hour at a time, even one minute at a time. And that's okay. It has to be.
this week, like the last few, has been a mess. I've went from not being hungry to ravenous, to not wanting to do anything to wanting to run a half marathon again. All while trying to work and dealing with my family. Darin has been exceptionally helpful, per his usual. No lie/sarcasm. legit. While at times I question his reading comprehension skills, when I say "i hate planks" and he replies "glad you're loving the planks :)"...I just have my doubts. ha. He's always been willing to change things and he's also willing to meet me in the middle. He also hasn't been bitching at me to do things I don't want to do. I guess he's smarter than the average bear and realizes that being like "i said do it!" isn't going to make me want to/actually do it.
I've had some ups and downs this week. Like, usually I get somewhat social anxiety-y when there are a lot of people around, especially muscley boys in the free weights at the rush. But on Tuesday when I got there for my back/tricep workout, there weren't many people at all, so I went to town on basically every kind of row you can think of. Then by the time I was winding down, I noticed there were approximately way more people than I had previously imagined around. So then I went and swam for my cardio which was kind of my jam. I say swim like I'm Michael Phelps. More like Helen Keller. I can't actually swim, I just did whatever it took to get to one of the pool to the other. It was more fun than the treadmill, so I win.
Leg day is always hit or miss for me and I think Thursday was a miss. I couldn't focus on what I was doing for the life of me. I had 59205 other things on my mind and I had to stop a couple times and call myself back. Like that sounds weird but "be here now" is what I repeat to myself a lot. For me it means be here, in this moment, not in yesterday, not in tomorrow, in THIS moment and do your best. I cranked everything out, was it what I was capable of? I'm gonna say no. but I am a completely crazy induvidual and I put a lot of high expectations on myself because I know what I want to do and I know that I can do it, but I think sometimes I don't know when to back off and let things go for a minute because like Darin said, there are perfectly acceptable and legit reasons for WHY things aren't going how I want them to at the moment.
I got my tattoo saturday night :) it says "we only part to meet again" and has the inifinity symbol with 3 dots above it. There were parts of it I honestly couldn't even feel Brian tattooing, and there were parts that made me cuss, especially right under my collar bone. owww. It's still rather sore, but not as bad as the bows on my legs were. I needed to get a piece of that filled in but I'm always READY to be done by the time my tattoo is done, so I never do haha.
Also. Sorry this is so long but I'm updating a week and some change worth of events. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time this morning I had to go see my orthopedist. My hip started hurting Friday morning and I assume it was the aftermath of leg day. Nope. It hurt all stinking weekend and worse last night. I go see my ortho this morning to find out I have bursitis in my right hip and degenerative changes in my left. How do we treat bursitis you may ask? We shove a needle the size if my head into the joint capsule and inject cortisone in it. It. Hurt. I cussed. AND he said he was gonna stick me on the count of three, I stopped him twice on two to ask if it was gonna hurt and he finally wised up and went on two. Also he advised me running, at all, ever, would be a bad choice. The high impact and the damage it would do to my already broken body wouldn't be worth it. Honestly, if I wasn't in so much pain I would be at the gym. He said no gym for 5-7 days and no leg days for 10.
Usually I would be pissed and go anyway and be stubborn but this is legit pain.
Also driving the sketchiest route to his office on the foggiest morning my shuffle decides to play "scream" by a7x on the way there. Well played shuffle. WELL PLAYED. because I'm basically ready to scream. Ugh.
Still not -100. Maybe next week. My sassy pants feel like they've been lost for good. But I'll leave you with a picture of my new ink.
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