heavy stuff.

tonight not be as funny and sassy and snarky as the last few weeks have been.

it's just a mess for me.

I've done really well. I've lost about 8 pounds in 2 weeks, and I've been really consistent with my food. Being able to work with the foods that I do eat and have some balance between the good and the not so good, keeps me a little more sane and happy. Darin was right about being able to eat a little more and still lose weight, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me. I still have an internal struggle with that. Also the cardio struggle is real. I did an entire hour of cardio Monday and well that's been it. I've worked like 100 days in a row, and I'm exhausted. So I'm hoping when things calm down I can get in more of a routine. But I'm thinking I'm going to take a few days off. from everything. Because in March, I'm starting school for human services/social work. I'm tired of putting it off. I suck at school, but everyone starts somewhere. I'm also starting to volunteer at a place called Homeward Bound, it's an organization that helps homeless people find permanent housing and offers a place called AHOPE, and they can come take showers and have storage and mailboxes and such. All of my life, my whole goal has been to help people, but the one thing I've said since I was a kid is that I don't think anyone should be homeless, and I want to start my own homeless shelter. So I think volunteering and getting at least an associates degree is a good place to start.

Today was my last workout with Kevin. Things are just getting too ridiculous and my schedule is about to get super weird. He is probably the nicest human on the planet, and if you are looking for a trainer in the Asheville area, I highly recommend Kevin/Plank. legit. I learned to back squat, do some weird ab exercises (coughturkishgetupscough), and just how high my heart rate can go before I have an asthma attack. I learned more about nutrition, too, even though I ate gummy bears in my car after we were done today because clearly I needed the carbs to replace the glycogen I lost during today's annihilation (it happened, Kevin!). and I still have the poptarts in there too. you know, in case of emergency. What happens if I'm driving in a snow storm and wreck my car and I'm trapped in there for days before anyone rescues me? what am I gonna have to eat?

the snark will likely stop here. so if you're here for the entertainment, well. see ya.

here's where the other part of the title comes in to play. I think I'm just beginning to process the reality of my brother being gone. sorry if ya'll are sick of hearing about that, but it's a rare day I'm at a loss for words, but I can't tell you how much I miss him. I can't put in to words what a genuinely good person he was, and how loved he made me feel. Like he thought everything I did was great, and I was so smart, and he always told me how proud he was of me for losing so much weight and as much as I complained about him sometimes and how forgetful he was, he was my brother. and I don't get another one. He never got to get married and have a family, and he'll only be someone my future children get to hear about. He doesn't get to come over and visit my apartment. I don't get to text him or play xbox, or look at old pictures with him. This fucking blows, in case anyone was wondering. I know that he's okay, wherever he is, and I know if he were here, he would tell me to please stop crying so much. What I wouldn't give to have him back, even for a second.

I kinda carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I like to fix everything and do everything and say yes and make everyone happy and well that doesn't work. Life is rough, ya'll. Being an adult is hard shit, and it just seems like nothing is ever easy for me. Which, I don't think everything should be handed to me but damn it would be nice to catch a break.

But on a better note, tomorrow morning I finally get to workout with Nicole Ozmina (@thegreatnpowerfuloz on IG)! and I can't wait. Even though apparently Darin has written quite the workout. Then on Saturday I'm taking this shit show known as my life on the road to Charlotte. I'm going to workout with my bff Jer and then eat some good food. beleee dat. speaking of good food. cookie dough quest bars. I've been eating them all wrong. I hate them in the oven/warm, but cold, like straight out of the fridge.... they taste like toll house cookie dough to me. So I can eat those all. day. long. I shouldn't and don't because they're expensive as fuck and I should probably eat real food.

sorry this isn't as super snarky and stupid as my other ones have been. I just don't feel so good, and when that happens, well. the sassy pants get put in the back seat for a bit. maybe next week, ya'll. Stay tuned though. Because while I might not know what's coming next, I know that everything will be okay. it has to be.