and here we go again.

SO I'M BACK.

and in a good way.

are ya'll sick of the roller coaster yet? yeah, me too.

I spent the weekend sleeping, metcon'ing, reading, watching youtube videos, getting new glasses, living the dream basically.

I'm making teeny tiny baby steps, like getting back in to drinking all my water, tracking my macros and you know, working out like I'm supposed to. some of you may have saw my instagram post about locking up my scale and body fat monitor. if you didn't. well. here it is.

 

I felt really, really weird this morning not waking up and getting on the scale before I got in the shower. But you know what? the world didn't end because I don't know how much I weigh right now. Honestly I probably don't want to know, because like I said, I haven't been drinking my water so I know I'm holding some. I feel like because my weight loss has been made public, by me/this blog/my instagram, people expect me to know how much I weigh and how much I've lost. Though let me say this, it's fine to know how much you weigh, it's not fine to get obsessive. I actually also have stopped wearing my polar watch. If you follow me on instagram, you've noticed the lack of pictures of my watch. It doesn't mean I haven't gone to the gym, it just means that I have no damn clue how many calories I burned. Which is okay too, I survived quite some time without that watch before and I'll survive now.

ya'll may have seen my IG post about my diet changing too, from eating 400 calories a day to 1800. I realized a little later, that post made it look like I went from eating 365 calories to 980...NOPE. that 980 was just what I was eating up until dinner. It didn't include post workout/dinner/nightly snacks. I think my calories right now are like 1760 or something close to it. The notion of eating 200ish calories a day less than what the FBI or the FBA or CSI or who the fuck ever says to eat 2000 calories a day, and still losing weight is weird, but whateva. My macros allowed me some cake batter ice cream so I'm winning at life at the moment. or on a sugar high. potato/tomato.

I start my new job on Monday and I'm terrified, mostly terrified that I won't learn everything as quickly as I want and no one will like me. but that's neither here nor there.

today has sucked so far, by the way ya'll. I don't know what is wrong with me but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was pissed I had to get up this morning, and then my legs are still fucking killing me from Monday I resorted to trying to stretch and use the foam roller today and well, it made it no further than touching my IT bands before I was like nope I don't feel like crying in front of all these people. On a scale of 1 to miserable I'm at a solid fuck this. I've mentally checked out of my current job and I want it to be the weekend so bad I could cry. I went to group groove today because someone at the rush thought it would be a bangin idea to change the schedule from zumba and lasted 45 minutes of the hour and said F U C K this. I almost fell, twice, because someone seems to think that THE most complicated dance moves ever are appropriate for group fitness classes. oh ok. no. beginner friendly's ass. I'm sick of people calling me, I'm sick of people needing things from me today. I have a headache (from lack of caffeine I assume) and I am so mean, Satan himself probably can't stand me. Grumpy cat has NOTHING on me today. Nothing.

dress up, show up and never give up...isn't that the quote? hell if I know. I didn't dress up, I barely showed up and I pretty much did give up. But I did learn something from my al-anon meetings (no, i'm not an alcoholic, these are more like support groups for people who have/had someone in their life that was an addict, judge me for going if you want, then kindly fuck off), that there is only enough for today. enough whatever you need. grace, patience, love, understanding, whatever. I have to make it through today, and tomorrow comes with a whole new light.