40.

40 pounds.

that's what I've packed on this year. My goal this year was to lose 70. Whoops. I think that's the best word to sum up this situation. I know a couple pounds of that is water weight because I haven't drank more than 16 ounces of water in weeks. I can feel the bloat and grossness everywhere. But 40 pounds is where I am from my lowest recorded weight. Which will forever be kept secret. I don't know why I'm so nuts about how much I weigh. It's not like people don't have eyes and can't guess, but to me it just feels better if I don't actually say it. My lowest weight isn't even all that low, I mean it is compared to where I started but I'm going to stop rambling about how crazy I get over my weight.

I can't pinpoint a day that I said, fuck this I'm going to go eat all the things with no regard to calories. Just like the initial loss happened, gradually, the gain did too. That's what's hard. I noticed my clothes getting tighter and regained a little control and composure. Moved out, changed jobs and started dealing with some super emotional shit and did what I've always done. Instead of doing what I use to do, which was going to the gym and doing whatever I wanted to because it was fun, I started snacking. Now ALL my pants are tight, like muffin top to pound cake style tight. So clearly I need to stop eating muffins and chill. But it's not that easy.

I saw a quote on the instagram one day that said "sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it"...guess I'm one of "those people" who lost a ton of weight and then gained some back. I swore I would never do that. Once I lost it, it's gone forever....but that's not how this works. I fucked up, it's that simple. I have to face la musica and either get back to where I was when I started this blog which is the last thing I want...or get my shit together. Whatever that means. I have no idea where to even start because I have lost all every bit of control I used to have. My sweet friend Lindsay suggested keeping a tally of all the times I've turned down a treat or made a good choice, I think I'm also going to hold myself to doing 10-15 minutes of some kind of activity every single day, be it lifting, zumba videos, walking OR running because I signed up for a 5k on January 1st. I've never done one, and this one starts at 10am so at least it's not the ass crack of dawn. Worst case scenario is that I quit mid-5k and never run again. I don't foresee that happening as I'm really not a quitter, I'm pretty stubborn.

I know it's dumb, but cheap food is tasty. McDonald's is a lot faster at making dinner than I am. It's also less clean up time. I don't know where the girl who lost 110 pounds went. The girl who could turn cookies down, who stopped drinking mountain dew for 6th whole months. SIX. MONTHS. I've considered gastric bypass so many times it's ridiculous but I don't think it's gonna fix anything. You can gain every pound you lose back, it's not a permanent solution for people who are weak willed. When I first started trying to lose weight it was all I focused on. I'm not dumb, I know the tricks of the trade and how to lose weight. You eat less, move more. It's not rocket science, but it does require some work, and I've gotten lazy.

I am paying for weight watchers, every month. I have food here. The entire problem is that I'm lazy. But if I don't stop being lazy and get it the fuck together, I'm going to be right back where I started, desperately wishing to be where I am now. I don't want that, at all. So I think it's time to work on fixing the mess I've made.

and that starts now.