I've been writing this for a while. It's unusual for me to be weirded out by posting blogs. but this one is kinda super personal. I say like this whole blog isn't. It's my story, from beginning to now. I like to write, so I decided it was worth having written down and maybe worth sharing. So no bitching and snark this week, just a story. It's also what one of my english professors calls a "doggy draft" aka a ROUGH, rough draft.
My name is Vanessa, but I rarely answer to that. My friends call me Nessie or Ness, and my family calls me whatever they feel like that day. I started my journey at a whopping 373 pounds. I was on the downhill slide to weighing 400 pounds by the time I was 22. A lot of people will tell you about their "revelation" that something had to change. It was one moment in time where they knew things had to be different. If you continue to read, you'll realize that I am a very different person. I'm not "normal", and I'm learning to be okay with that. So instead of one moment, I had many"aha" moments, but I didn't recognize them at the time. The time I realized that I was 1 size away from being too big for Lane Bryant clothes. The time I broke not only one, but two lawn chairs because I exceeded the weight limit....in public. The time I realized that the seatbelt in my car was entirely too tight, that soon I would need to buy an extender just so I could fit in the car comfortably and safely. Realizing that walking through a couple isles in Walmart winded me. I couldn't walk from the parking lot through the store to get groceries without literally having to find a bench and sit down. Realizing that I was drinking a 2 liter of mountain dew in a twelve hour shift and then another 16 ounce bottle with my dinner, which of course was fast food. All the nights I sat at home crying, wondering what I was going to do, and why no one had ever mentioned my weight to me. All the pictures I saw and didn't even recognize myself, I didn't have a face or a neck. All the clothes I couldn't wear in my room because I had gotten too heavy. When I realized I stopped caring about myself, I realized things had to change. I had just gotten home from a graduation party for three beautiful girls I had went to church with for 7+ years, and I happened to see a picture that I had taken. I cried for almost 4 hours that night alone in my room. Wondering what it was going to take to "fix" this. I had tried countless, and I mean countless diets. The girl in that picture wasn't who I was. I was a wonderful 22 year old woman, who had her whole life ahead of her. I didn't want to be the woman people stared at because she was so big, and I didn't want to have to use a wheelchair to get around because my legs couldn't carry me anymore. I don't remember when I actually developed "a weight problem" because I'd been overweight all my life. I honestly can't tell you the last time I had weighed under 300 pounds, and I don't remember realizing that I was getting so much bigger than the rest of my family. The day that changed my life was any other normal day. I was driving to work, and saw the "O3 Health and Fitness" signed for the 582nd time, and decided to google it when I got to work because maybe it was a new gym that I could try. I had clicked on the "meet the trainers" button or whatever it was called and found a pretty friendly looking face, I mean he didn't look like the devil reincarnated but I couldn't be sure. His name was Darin, and he had his own web site. I clicked it, and read his biography and thought about it for a few days as I drowned my contemplation in chicken nuggets and mountain dew. I decided on a Friday to go ahead and fill out the "consultation request" around 2-3 o'clock ish, figuring it would be a few days before I heard back. It was only a few minutes, and in the "times you can come in" spot, I had written my schedule was flexible, and he had said "lets put your flexibility to the test, can you come in today?" and at that point I wondered what I was doing. I scheduled a consult for Monday at 4:00 I believe, and wow. I worried all weekend, thinking that "Darin" if that was even his real name, was going to likely tell me to go ahead and get a gastric bypass consult set up because he couldn't help shamou. really. OR, on the other extreme, he was going to tell me I needed to workout with him 9 hours a day, 8 days a week and all I would do is run on a treadmill until I threw up. So I think you can imagine how nervous I was before I even left work that day to go talk to the man. I threw up in the parking lot at work before I even left, because I was that nervous. I think it's time I throw a little bit of information in, I have social anxiety, and my anxiety was at it's all time peak when I was at my all time heaviest. I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was so big, that I had to be overly nice to people to make up for being overweight and them having to talk to me. It's a very, very distorted way to view the world and it's a really sad way to view the world. Instead, during what I remember of the consultation, I remember thinking "wow, he's really nice". The rest they say, is history.
I worked with Darin at least 2 times a week in person (for a few months I paired up with a friend and did 2 days a week with her and 2 solo workouts with Darin) until he moved away to Knoxville, TN. Then I moved to work with him online. I would love to tell you that my weight loss has been a steady downhill journey. It gets easier with time, and it gets more natural. That would be lying. Weight loss is an insane thing, and you're asking your body to change, quickly. Darin asked for a food log and when I try to diet on my own (not knowing ANYTHING except "the less food, the better") I think I was rolling on four to five hundred calories a day. Let me hit you with that again. 500 calories, a day. I ate like a bird, and lost a little weight, but then Darin started pushing me to eat more. I was a little resistant at first because the thought of eating "that much" made me think that I wouldn't lose weight as quick as I wanted to. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in 4 months. I mean they do it on the biggest loser. Why couldn't I? I had also turned off my "I'm hungry" part of my brain because I guess your brain gets to a point where it stops asking for food once it knows it isn't going to get any. On top of anxiety, I am really, really picky about food. I don't let my food touch, I don't eat vegetables of any kind (I recently started eating a little tiny bit of broccoli this year), I don't eat hot food at night, and I've self-diagnosed myself with selective eating disorder. I am the poster child for that disorder. When I say I don't eat vegetables, I mean I don't eat them. Carrots, peas, beans of ANY kind, sweet potatoes, corn, tomatoes, onions, asparagus, spinach...you name it, I don't eat it. And when I say I dont eat it, I mean, I do not eat it. at all. ever. So working with that has been an issue for all parties involved. Over the course of the last year and a half, I've tried a little of everything. Crossfit, zumba, classes at the Y and running. Nothing makes me happier than lifting weights. I never, ever thought those words would come out of my mouth but the power of exercise is insane. It really is the most underutilized antidepressant. I've had my best workouts on my worst days because all I can focus on is breathing. The weight of the world isn't on my shoulders for the hour that I'm in the gym. I don't have to think, I don't have to be anything, I don't have to pretend. I just have to use my muscles. Some days it's easier said than done, and some days I would rather get kicked in the throat than go to the gym, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I didn't lose 106 pounds in a month. It takes patience and consistency. Those are two things that whoever you work with can preach, but you have to experience the struggle first hand. When you've eaten nothing but "good" food for 4 days and climb on the scale to see the number be higher than it was 4 days ago. You really, really have to trust what you're doing is going to work (still an issue for me) and find another way to validate what you're doing is working, other than the scale. Still an issue for me. I'm an instant gratification girl. When I order things off amazon, I always pay extra for overnight shipping. I don't like waiting, and losing weight is a waiting game at best. The first 30 pounds came off pretty quickly, but after that...well, I think you know where I'm going with this. 1-2 pounds a week, 2 pounds is a GREAT week. I still have quite some time to go with this weight loss journey. My long term goal (and I mean long term) is some kind of bodybuilding competition. Will it happen? Eventually. I have my doubts but I'm much too smart to stand in my own way. I have my doubts that what's underneath is gonna be great, but you can always change the exterior. It may take longer than you'd like and be less than pleasant at times. It requires a lot of hard work, but if I can do this I know anyone else can, you just have to be ready to change. The quote that gave me the title to this blog (and hangs on the wall in my room) says "I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." I did, and it was the best choice I've ever made.
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