so. it's about that time. I haven't had a truly bad day at the gym in a long, long time. In fact, I rather enjoy myself these days. I guess the universe owed me one.
Before I get to the real point. The rush is promoting shit left and right about new year new you and all that jazz and it pisses me off. Making people think that being a "new you" is as easy and simple as joining a gym is ridiculous. It's hard fucking work and the "old you" is right around the corner with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and mountain Dews at every turn. It takes a hell of a lot more than paying them 30 dollars a month to be a "new you" so stick that in your pipe and smoke it Larry Gurney.
I decided that I was going to try the step class at the rush, after I did my shoulders/quads/conditioning workout and that would be my cardio. Made it through my workout and hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and then went to step. Made it 32 minutes in and then had to leave. I couldn't do it. It was the biggest fucking mess I've ever participated in and I was getting sick to my stomach. I think a)I decided to take on too much and b)I didn't eat enough or I ate too much. STORY OF MY LIFE. Then I sat in my car and had a nice cry after I got protein powder all over my car and myself. I am just so frustrated right now. In the last 4 weeks I've gained roughly 10 pounds and you know what's weird? I don't give a shit. why? because my pants still fit just like they did 4 weeks ago, I don't feel like I've gained any weight and I don't see it in the mirror. The ONLY place I see it is on the scale. Legit, and I'm so over a piece of metal dictating how I feel for the day. enough. It's only taken 18 months for me to figure that out. While I'm bitching, I wish I was a normal human. I wish I had never gained all this weight to lose, and I just wish I could eat oreos and lose weight. It's been an off day, except I've eaten really well today...except temptation to eat the worlds shittiest foods is everywhere. I've lost 100 pounds, and I am literally changing my life and I'll be the first to tell you, that shit is hard. real hard. Because here I am eating egg whites and turkey sausage and there is pizza and chips to be had at my house.
but, in turn, there are pants sizes to be lost and muscles to be flexed. I have worked so hard these last 18 months and if I give up now, I'm just gonna gain the weight back and have to start all over again. So the conclusion that I've come to is this. I forgive myself. I place such high expectations on myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. I hit 105lbs on seated leg extensions and my first thought wasn't "hot damn ness, you did good!" it was "took you long enough". While I do have high expectations and lofty goals, I am a human being. I mess up, I skip cardio, I sleep too much, don't drink enough water, and numerous other things but I do a lot of things well. I try new classes when at this time last year, I wouldn't have ever thought about going to step. I make an honest effort to do better when I mess up and I can laugh at myself. One of my resolutions is to chill the fuck out, honestly. I'm the most anxious person in the world and a LOT of that is because I care so much about what other people are thinking about me, and if I could hear what the people I'm so concerned about were thinking, it likely wouldn't even be about me. I have this weird anxiety at the rush about taking up a squat rack to, put on your shocked faces, squat. I feel like because I'm just using the bar and maybe 10s, that I shouldn't even be using it and that doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I pay my membership dues every month, which entitles me to use of it just as much as it does the dude squatting like 49 different plates on each side...oh, and how do you get to use 49 different plates? you start with the bar.
anyways, my news years/long term goals are as follows.
1. chill the fuck out. this is priority number one.
2. lose 80 pounds. somewhat a lofty goal, but I feel like I can do that.
3. get my trainer cert OR my zumba instructor cert. if I use it or not is another thing but I NEED to finish something I start.
4. cut out the mountain dew, permanently. I feel like this is gonna be a lifelong resolution.
5. stretch 4 times a week. because 0 times a week is my current schedule. shame on me.
anywho, there you have it. I'm going to do those things this year and I'm going to do them well. I also want to make 5 new friends. I feel like it's weird to say that and put a number on that kind of thing, but I do. Don't ask me what I'm going to do to make that happen because I don't know, but it will happen. even if I have to buy 5 new friends from Russia. mail order brides are a thing, so I bet mail order friends are too. I'll google that and report back later this week.
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