hard to follow.

I just feel like talking right now, and this is the best way I know how. I do better writing than I do verbally. so here goes. it may be a longer post than usual and it may be hard to follow, but like I've said for the last almost two years. my mouth, my blog, my rules.

I was talking to Kirsten earlier this week about how much has changed. like, where I was at the beginning and where I am now. night and day. It's SO easy for me to be hard on myself and say that I got to -107 pounds then started fucking up and gained roughly a total of 20 pounds back. Well guess what, there's also this thing called life. My brother died (yes I'm still singing that song) and my world got shook up. It's weird because it's like because he was my brother I didn't see what everyone else saw. I didn't think the statistics applied to him. He was an addict, and I KNOW drugs kill people. But it was like everyone but him. He was always the exception to the rule, but he really wasn't. Addiction ends in 1 of 3 ways, sobriety, prison or death and I think I knew subconsciously that sobriety wasn't going to happen. I stopped counting Tuesdays. I noticed that yesterday. Every week since he died I would think "it's been 10 Tuesdays since I've seen him", that kind of thing. But I also realized that he wouldn't want me to be sad every fucking Tuesday for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt because believe me. losing a sibling is a pain you feel in the depths of your soul, but it just means that I'm moving on a little. I don't know if that's the best way to say it. More like maybe healing a little. It wasn't a little thing, and it took a while for me to really, truly realize that he's gone and I honestly don't think I still completely have. I have my regrets, but I also know that my brother did and would have forgiven me for anything and always wanted me to be happy, no matter what it meant. SO, I will spend the rest of my life learning to be happy missing a piece of my heart.

Anyways, today marks 1 week and 3 days of weight watchers. I've stuck to everything 95%, and I feel good about it. That's the first time that has happened since September. I got to the gym a couple times, did I do everything I should have? maybe not. Did I sweat for at least half an hour, and enjoy myself? absolutely. I'm having a hard time trusting that weight watchers will work, and that I will work. I try to remind myself constantly that it's better to be 100% consistent with a few little things, then add to that little by little rather than doing 5 HUGE things 50 percent of the time. I'm still using a lot of what Darin taught me and what I've learned and researched over the last two years. Like I use 3 points for a protein shake post workout and fruit is 0 points, so I eat a banana or some pineapple and keep it as close to 0 grams of fat as possible. I also noticed today when I was grocery shopping that a lot of my food was the same stuff I was buying when I was IIFYM'ing/meal planning/whatever. I get a little more freedom at the moment with weight watchers because I get a metric fuck ton of points on the daily but I've actually eaten most of them. I honestly think the points I get would equal out to roughly the same macros I got from Darin. Instead, I just keep track of 1 number and get a little extra flexibility in the fruit department. I'm supposed to weigh in tomorrow and I'm getting weird about it. Like I want to push it back a day because I used some of my weekly cheat points on some Chinese food and know I'm holding water and the scale will reflect that. I lost my "who gives a fuck" attitude, but I'm trying to remain calm. I just need to get back my weight loss game, even though I really already have. I've gotten my water in, tracked my food and got some workouts. IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER. Maybe not tomorrow morning, but eventually. I turned down papa john's pizza tonight because I had my Chinese last night. I don't feel deprived, papa john's is not going out of business and it won't be the last time I can eat pizza. I'm choosing to stay within my points and guidelines I've set for myself because it matters, and I would rather eat what I'm supposed to and NOT feel super guilty in half an hour than spend the rest of the evening wallowing in my fat girl guilt that once again I couldn't turn down pizza. Can't or won't? let that sink in for a minute.

I went to the gym today and did an old shoulders/bicep workout from back in August that Darin had written up, still just as kick ass as I remember. Especially all the lateral raises, good thing I love those or it would have been a rough day. I also ran half a mile, I probably would have sucked it up and continued but I am SO self-conscious about how loud I am when I run. It doesn't really matter, and I shouldn't care but I do. I ended up doing the biceps portion of that workout in the "ladyz" room at the rush because there were SO MANY freakin people there and once I noticed how many, I got antsy and had to go somewhere else.

speaking of the gym and going somewhere else. I went to zumba Saturday morning because Alan is my favorite instructor, and I was walking out and happen to see something that made my head spin. I understand that different things motivate different people. I really, really do. BUT, I walked out of the class to see a "fit coach" literally, legitimately screaming "I said come on" to this woman who looked like she was about to cry/pass out/throw up. I couldn't stop myself from talking to the manager, I just can't handle shit like that. If she had taken that yelling and cranked out a few more reps, I would have went on about my business but she physically looked sick. I don't know if homeboy had seen a few too many episodes of the biggest loser or what, but you are not bob harper and this is not a game show, this is her life and instead of yelling and embarrassing her how about some encouragement? shit like that just bothers me. Especially because she's PAYING for that. The manager said that it's always outsiders reporting this dude, never his clients. probably because they're scared they're going to get punched in the face or something equally violent. If I see this lady again I'm probably going to talk to her about it, mostly because I'm curious and I am honestly concerned. these are the things that keep me up at night.

anyways, that's my weekly rambling. I'm working on an epic video for next week full of stuff that never made it to my last video and things that you probably don't need to know. STAY TUNED.